Knock off . . .

My brother moved into a new apartment yesterday and my mom and I helped. It is a cute apartment and made me long for being single again . . . not really hubs! *wink* He mentioned needing some art for the living room and I told him I would make something.
I love this canvas from World Market. I like the color and the vertical lines in it. I also love polka dots so this fill that bill too. With a price tag of $129 I figured it would be fairly simple to recreate for much, much cheaper. I like the progression in this one of the colors, but I decided to make mine consistent colors across the whole painting.

I started with 2 16x 20 canvases that I bought at the Mart of Wallls for only $7.97. I bought some acrylic paint because I wasn't quite sure what I had at home and I didn't want to make another trip to the store. The paints were $1.27 a piece. I also used some circular pouncers that cost $3.97. I already had a brown paint pen at home, but you could easily do them stems with brown paint and a brush.

Obviously the first thing I did was draw the stems. I simply drew them with the paint pen. When I was done I went back and added some bulk to the stems and added a bit of a triangle at the tips. You can see the original lines on the right and the finished stems on the left in the picture below.


I did not want the colors pristine. I wanted the colors to be combinations and have some depth, so I simply worked them together while I was working. You will see the original colors squirted out in the first picture below and then the mess after I was finished painting. I didn't even wash my pouncer out between colors, I just added and added and got a mixed effect for the spots.



Here is the finished project as it is drying. I am pretty sure I an going to add a bit of an antiquing effect to the canvas so it is not sao white, but that frightens me! I am afraid I am going to ruin it so who knows. It depends on how brave I feel later.


Okay, so I went for it and tried to tame it down a bit. I used a tan paint I had and dipped a paper towel in it. I ran the papertowel through the water and squeezed it out into a container then I just wiped the papertowel on the canvas. I then took a dry towel and wiped over it all adding a bit more paint on the corners and edges.



Here she is. I am not sure you can see the antiquing, but it helped a lot! Not bad for under $20!

Downtown Saturday night...

Standing up for yourself . . .

My daughter is exposed to a couple kids who aren't always kind. It is difficult to teach her how to be assertive yet kind at the same time. I don't want my child being made fun of or mocked, but I also don't want her being one to do the same to another child. I don't think 2 wrongs make a right. I also don't want my child being the one who always runs to the adult without attempting to solve the problem herself.

I hope to teach my child to be out spoken. I want her to feel free to say things like, "You know, the way you are acting is not very nice." I want her to be able to tell people that it's okay if you don't like what I am wearing, I do. I want her to know it is okay to be different. I want her to feel good about herself and confident in her decisions no matter what others may say. I want her to be kind and considerate, but able to stand up for herself. If not, she will end up being a doormat who has no idea how to handle herself when she is wronged.

When I was a PreK teacher I had a philosophy about kids who did not play well together. It would be easy to say, "Just stay away from him" but that solves nothing. I made certain those children were in a small group together. I made sure those kids were on the same team in a cooperative game. I made sure that they learned how to work together. Now, I always made sure it was times when I could be right there, near them, guiding them and helping work through anything that came up because I am not totally stupid. Those kids may have never been the best of friends, but they learned that when they had to work together they could. It not only gave them skills to do this, but confidence that even if you don't like someone, you can work together. That is a particularly important skill as a adult.

My daughter was not very fond of her teacher this past year. To be honest, I was not either. She was very good at imparting skills to the class and did have a knack for teaching, but she did not let kids be kids. She seemed to squelch fun in the classroom. She did not seem to value kids for kids. My son had her a few years back. It would've been really easy for me to go in and request a change before school started, but I knew that it would be a good learning experience for my child to learn to behave and thrive in an environment that she would exactly care for. It is good a good life skill to learn. We may not always like our boss or our co-workers, but graciousness and kindness get us far in this world. And who knows maybe we can even make a difference in the way they view the world.

Those are the skills I hope to impart to my kiddos. I want them to be assertive and stand up for themselves, but I want the to do it in such a way that honors other people. I want them to know that most conflicts can be resolved peacefully. I want them to know that you don't have to agree with someone to respect them and their opinion. I don't want to think that they can come crying to mommy and I will rip them out of the situation without trying to make it work first just because I can.

I want them to know that we are all in this together . . . and that takes work.

Blessed . . .

I am pretty blessed. I need to remind myself of that today. How you ask? Let me tell you (and more importantly remind myself) . . .
Harrison has a fabulous sense of humor. I love that he can find just about anything funny. He loves to see people laugh and he likes to be the one to put a smile on your face. He is brilliant and never ceases to amaze me with his intuitiveness. He is my snuggly child and I love the way he melts into me in the mornings as he struggles to wake up.
McCartney is very loving and loves me tons. (and reminds me several thousand times a day) She is kind and thoughtful, thinking of other people most of the time. She loves to shop and loves to find a bargain just like her mommy and Nonnie. She loves to write letters to people she loves and she makes sure that people feel special to her. She is my velcro child and I don't know what I would do without her stuck to me the vast majority of the day.
Dustin is very helpful around the house. He will do anything he is asked to do if he feels like he is being helpful. He likes to feel necessary. He is kind hearted and loving. He wants people to like him and he is polite and has really good manners. He has developed a sense of humor and uses sarcasm well. He loves to please and will do so as long as his impulses don't get the best of him (or thinks you are not looking).
Robert is a wonderful daddy. He is kind to the children and very forgiving of their faults. He is patient and listens to them no matter how long the story. He "gets" Dustin and his issues and doesn't let it get to him (or if he does he knows when to "tag" me). He is well aware of his own limitations and makes certain he is not in over his head. He puts up with all my OCD issues and will help with all my crazy projects when he is needed. He has learned that when something gets in my head, much like a freight train, there is no stopping it and has come to embrace it. (for the most part *wink*) He revels in his children and their desire for knowledge and fun.

Nonnie (my mom) is my best friend. No matter how much we butt heads, she loves me no matter what. She understands that I am a MICROWAVE and she is a CROCKPOT and humors my need for fast resolution when she can and helps me work through it when there is no quick fix. She loves me no matter how crazy I can get and she understands that sometimes I just get nuts and need have a good cry or a crazy vent and then it is better. I love to watch her with my kids and see the pure joy on her face as she loves on them. She is giving and kind and I hope that I make her proud in everything I do.
My Step-dad is an amazing man. He understands my kids and all their various issues. He is the kind of man who sticks by family til the end. He has welcomed my brother and I (and my family) into his own family as if we were his own. He loves us and prays for us and I know he will always be there for us. He is kind and gentle and loving. He is an amazing man and a wonderful husband to my mother (no matter how crazy she is at times, she is my mother after all *wink*)

I have a job that I love. I have a bit of flexibility which is important in a family like mine and I am blessed to work in an environment that celebrates the importance of family. I get to touch the lives of children and their families every day. They put their trust in us to care for their children when they are away and that is pretty important. The fact that we get to share the gospel with them and be an example of Jesus' love is icing on the cake.

Sometimes it helps to remember how very blessed you are. I have a rotten headache and am in a really bad mood today. . . this helps more than ibuprofen. Give it a try, I bet you will smile.

Cycling . . .

We are cycling around these parts. Dustin had 4 FANTASTIC days of really great behavior and now he is on a cycle of sleeping about 16 hours a day. He is tired and moody. I said something to my mom and she reminded me that he does this in summer. I think the change in routine makes him cycle more frequently and I am pretty sure he was manic last week so now we are onto the depressive side of his mood disorder.
He is pretty compliant once I get him awake enough to function so all is well. I suppose when he is super sleepy we have less of a a chance of him running out!

In other news, I am in an air cast for a month! I have a really stubborn case of plantar's fascitis in my right foot. The doc wants me to constantly keep my foot flexed for a month to give it a change to heal. He thinks there may be a tear of the tendon. If this does not work I have to have surgery. I have 78 field trips this summer for my job! 78! Lugging around this boot is not going to be fun. He did say that I can take it off to swim which is a blessing since I do 4 swim trips a week at work. The bad news is that this means no Couch to 5K while I get this resolved . . . boo!

Gymnastics . . .

McCartney has started her first gymnastics class. She is thrilled and she did a really nice job. My kids have never done any sort of lessons so this is all new territory for us. They are doing really well. I hope they continue to enjoy it and maybe feel a little more "normal". We have spent so many years just trying to hold the family together with all of Dustin's issues we have not done too many typical things. Hopefully this is just the beginning.

Tennis and ice cream . . .

Harrison is taking tennis lessons this summer. Tonight was his first lesson so the whole family went to cheer him on. He did great! One of his instructors said he was a natural. I am happy he enjoyed himself. He looked awfully cute.



i

McCartney hung around in some trees . . .

Then we all went for some ice cream. . .




We had loads of fun!

Rules . . .

I am a very rule oriented person. I think it is partially related to my OCD, and partially because my dad was a stickler for rules. I was raised to respect rules and follow them always. I was the kid that was no fun. I was the kid who said, "You aren't supposed to be doing that!"

We have a situation in our town that has got some people up in arms. A local high school graduate finished school early and went into the Marines. She recently finished boot camp and came back for graduation. The school district's policy is that all students must wear a cap and gown to take part in their graduation ceremony. She wanted to wear her dress blues. They said no. She decided to wear her dress blues and sit in the stands.

Military protocol says that her dress blues are fit for this type of ceremony. The district has rules.

I think the rule is that you wear a cap and gown to graduation. If you want to participate, you wear the cap and gown. If we let her wear dress blues everyone would want to wear something different. I agree that what she is doing is honorable. I don't think that a high school rule is more important than military protocol, I just think that rules of the event she is partaking in should be followed.

I don't mean to sound argumentative at all, my husband is a veteran and I am proud of his service, but I guess that my question is that if it is a rule, why should it be allowed to be broken? I get that she was proud, I'm sure her school was proud of her. I know her fellow students were proud of her, but why does that entitle her to any different treatment. It is not that I am against her or her wearing her uniform, I am just saying a rule is a rule. If they begin to add exceptions, then it just snowballs.

This same situation happened in Pennsylvania last week. Congressman Jason Altmire says that the Marines have told Starr not to wear her uniform. Marine higher-ups told Starr to follow orders and wear the cap and gown, enjoy herself and prepare to serve her country. The school said Tuesday that she could wear the uniform and she chose to wear the cap and gown.

What do you think?

I may be on to something . . .

Dustin is constantly messing with our animals. He is particularly obsessed with the dogs. Yesterday, I was upstairs doing a project in the bathroom and I sent him downstairs for something. The dogs were in the hall because they prefer to be by me when he is around since he torments them. When he came back up the steps, my back was turned. My quiet dog, who never barks and is particularly mellow let out a very alarming couple of barks. It was the kind of barking you expect when someone is breaking into your house. I whipped around to see Dustin cowering at the door to the bathroom.

I asked him if that shocked him. He said yes. I asked why Cayenne was barking like that and he said he was coming up the stairs making an angry face. when I asked him to make it for me I realized why she was barking. He was bearing his teeth to her and looking pretty menacing. The bark alarmed me because I could hear the fear in her "voice". While I don't think she would ever hurt him, I know she felt threatened and was telling me about it.

We have talked a lot of times about the dogs and why we don't mess with them. We have explained that dogs cannot tell you to leave them alone, so they bite. We have tried and tried to get through to Dustin. It has not worked. He is constantly calling them to him and holding them even when they are done. He hits and swats at them as they walk by. He swings his feet under the table and kicks them. He grabs their tails. I don't think he is trying to hurt them, I just think he likes the sense of control he gets. He has to be constantly watched around the dogs as well as the cat and the birds. Yesterday I had an idea.

I took him downstairs and googled images of dog bites. I showed him what could happen if he is bitten by a dog who is provoked. He was visibly shaken. Later he did try to grab the smaller dog, Wiki. I asked him if he wanted to see pictures and he said, "That's only for big dogs" so I googled small dog bites and he learned that even small dogs can do quite a bit of damage.

He did not touch an animals the rest of the day. He did not even call one over to him in his chair. That my friends is PROGRESS!

Will it hold through to today? Who knows? Perhaps the visual will last for awhile and he will remember there are consequences to his actions.

The lawn . . .

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. That is Underwear Boy mowing the lawn for the first time. Now, I have to tell you that I LOVE to mow the lawn! I love looking back and seeing the finished product and feeling a sense of accomplishment. It is a true love. I also think I like it so much because I do not have to hear whining, crying and arguing while I am mowing.

Today, Dustin asked if he could mow. He had been having a wonderful day so I agreed. While I understand he looks perfectly "normal" to most people, allowing a child who has no impulse control and an IQ under 50 to wield a piece of equipment that could cut his toes off if not careful was a bit daunting. (And don't look too carefully as he does not have shoes on! My dad would have a fit!) I stood right with him and held the cord. When I backed up to take this picture he ran over the cord! D'oh! He got lucky and it did not cut through. He did finish (and even do the abandoned house next door) with me next to him and he did a great job!

It's funny how the things that so many families take for granted are such an accomplishment for us! He was very proud of himself. And so was I.

I have overtime this week so far. I don't usually put Dustin on the bus, his dad does. Today I am because Robert is dropping the littles off for me. This has been what I have been hearing for about 20 minutes. This is just the last 4 minutes or so.

You made me miss my bus.
It's never going to come.
I have to go to school!
Can you call the bus place and tell them to come back.
Oh my gosh! The bus is never cooooming.
Mooooooooom, the bus isn't here.
Mom, is it almost time?
I told you we were going to miss the buuuuuuuuuus.
I haffffffffffffff to go to schoooooooooooool.
Come on buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus. Commmmmmme get me.
Mom, I am mad at you the bus isn't coming.
Where is the buuuuuus?
Will you drop me off at school?
Mom, Mom, MOM, I hate you!
Mom, I love you will you take me to school?
Oh my goooooodnesss! Where is my BUS!
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh, I want my bus!
Holy Cow! My bus is late.
Mom, you made me miss my bus. My teachers are going to be mad at you.
I'm telling on you! Do you hear me?
Mom, Mom, Mom, you're ignoring me!
I hate you! I missssssed my buuuuuuuuuuuuus!
Mom, I hafto go to school today. My friend's will miss me.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh Busssssssssssssssss! Where are you? Come get meeeeeeeeee!
Mom, I am mad at you. you are going to jail.
Mom, Mom, Mom, are you listening. I'm telling my teacher on you!

Oh there it is! Nevermind, I love you have a good day mom!

The entire time I was just sitting here typing. If I said anything at all he would get more agitated. Lord, I could barely control myself. Help me.

Random Monday . . .

I am doing the Couch to 5K progam. I started week one over this week because my mom is doing it with me. We look ridiculous, but we are moving!

I went to see a friend's band perform Saturday. I took McCartney because it was in a restarurant. She started getting all starry eyed and said the words every mother dreads . . . "Mommy, I like boys with guitars". Ack!! (like mother like daughter!)

I went the same night to see another band from Nashville. Their front man is a local guy. IT was a fun time. I love me some rock-a-billy on a Saturday night! Of course I took my camera and I had a fun night out.


We had another power outaga in my area last night. No storm, so it must have been a fluke. We are on one of the city's oldest grids. A few yeas back we had an awful summer where we were without power quite a bit. I cannot handle it! I hope this summer is not bad, I may have to runaway (definitely not in my underwear)

Perspective . . .

It's all about perspective. I have a friend who is going through some mighty difficult things right now. It puts all the running that "underwear boy" does in perspective. It's rough, life altering stuff. I just have to phone the police, be embarrassed and do some chasing. It's all about perspective.

I read a blog post today from a momma who has a medically fragile child who is on a ventilator. They were getting ice cream yesterday and someone asked her "What's wrong with her?". She was angry that someone could be that rude. Of course there is nothing "wrong" with her child, but this lady was asking about her difficulties and why she is in a wheelchair hooked up to tubes and wires. There should've been a better way to ask without being so blunt. It might be easy for me to tell this mom to CHILL and get over it she will likely get this more than once, but I am not in her position. It is all about perspective.

In the same frame, it would be easy for her to tell me to CHILL about the running out that "underwear boy" does because at least my child can run and play and breath on his own. It's all about perspective.

Funny thing is, I always thought I would prefer my child to have a visible disability so people would know something is "wrong" with him or different about him, but perhaps that would change my perspective and I would like a hidden one.

Who knows? We have to live with what we are dealt with. It does make it easier to read about other people perspectives and take a look at our own positives and negatives and how they fit into the world around us. This makes us better people, more compassionate and willing to help others. This is what blogging and reading other blogs does for me.

For that I am thankful.

New blog . . .

When the last Orlando retreat was over and Christine made that map of all of us trauma mommas, Kathleen Benckendorf decided to create some closed groups on facebook for people in our same states to connect. Fabulous idea!

I met an awesome momma named Becky who lives in the southern part of my state. She has started a new blog and you really should go on over and visit. Head on over to The Radical Life and give her some love. I promise you will not be disappointed.

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlando . . .

I am here to announce that I am going to Orlando 2012.

Yep, that's right, I will be attending the Third Annual Early Trauma and Attachment Annual Meeting.

I did not think this was something I would ever do. This past month has been extremely difficult and I have received some very kind and encouraging words from some momma's around the blogosphere. I really NEED to see these women. I NEED to spend time with women who have read my malarky, cried tears with me, thought of us in difficult times, prayed for my family, and given so very much to their own families each and every day.

I spoke to the hubby last week and he told me to go.

He told me to run.

He told me to enjoy.

And I plan to.

I am staying in Enchanted Suites with the incomparable GB's Mom as our house mom. I can't hardly wait.

Are you going?

Wooohooo . . .

I decided yesterday that I was going to do the Couch to 5K program. Today I actually completed day 1 week1. This one was a 5 minute walk then 90 seconds of walking followed by 60 seconds of jogging for the remainder. The workout was 29.5 minutes.

It was easier than I thought it would be. I was amazed at myself. It is 90 degrees outside and I didn't even need my inhaler. I am certain it was not pretty to see, but I DID IT!

I'm taking you along for the ride so I need some lovin'! :)

Amazing . . .

So, the hubs and I went out this past Saturday. We did not tell the kids and Dustin and McCartney were asleep and in bed before my mom got here. Harrison is our night owl so he was still awake. He is really struggling with the turmoil that Dustin's issues bring so it was nice that he got some one on one time with his nonnie.



She came over with her laptop and Frosty's for her and Harrison at about 9:00pm. We got her online, and showed her how the alarm system that alerts you to when Dustin leaves his bedroom worked and we headed out.



We had a great time watching a friend's band. I am trying to build some business for my photography so I asked if I could shoot some pictures. I am learning how to shoot in low light, but I was pleased with some of the pictures I shot. (tips and critiques are always appreciated)

We returned home shortly after midnight. Dustin had not gotten up one time, which lead me to an amazing plan. This was the first time my husband and I had been out together without children in well over a year. A year people! I have decided that since this worked so well we are going to try to go out once a month. I figured since we had such a great time seeing our friend's band we would try next weekend! Woot! Two times in two weeks . . . unheard of!


I posted a request on facebook today and a friend led me to a young man who is coming next weekend. We shall see if this is a good plan or not. We will only be about 10 minutes from home so if all hell breaks loose we will be fairly close.

Wish me luck!

Ssshhhhh . . . .

Don't tell the kiddos, but I am having a date with the hubby tonight. I say Woooooo the the Hoooooo! You all know how much we desperately need this! We have not had a night out without the children in well over a year. I am thrilled.

We are going to see a friend's band play at a local bar and grill. Rumor has it, my hubby has been asked to sing a song or two. It will be awesome. I haven't seen my husband on stage in a long time! I know we will have a good time!

The storm . . .

While I know it is all relative and many people are having hard times lately, whether it be financially, their trauma-kiddos, or the recent tornadoes across the nation, it's been pretty rough in my world. That is not a secret (because I do air my dirty laundry out for all to see . . . and one boy who shall remain nameless runs down the street in some of it!)

Today there were storms predicted all day. The storms were pretty intense this morning around these parts and I went out to run an errand at lunchtime. The storms had broken and there was a gorgeous sunny and warm day underneath. It was awesome. Had I not just stepped in a puddle that cleared the top of my sandal and soaked my feet, I may not have even known a rough storm just blew through.

They are saying that these storms will likely last through the evening and even have the possibility to spawn some tornadoes in our area. It could get ugly. It might be a rough night.

But right now . . . I choose to be thankful for the sunshine.

I think about how that mirrors the life we are living with a child with very specific needs like ours. He is organically affected by his mother's prenatal alcohol abuse. He is emotionally affected by the early trauma he experienced in his bio-home as well as with the many moves he experienced in foster care. Which one of us wouldn't be?

He has cycles of really rough behavior and then just when you think you cannot handle anymore . . .

Just when you think that the raging will destroy you, your family, and the life you live . . .

Just when you think that you are unable to maintain any sort of normalcy . . .

The sun breaks through.

It could be the behaviors diminish. It could be your way of thinking changes, his behaviors mellow due to your attitude shift, and you are better equipped to deal with the behaviors that linger. It could be that you talk to some heavenly women who are traveling this path with you and you get filled up to the point of overflowing with kind gestures, words and encouragement. It could be that you just put on your big girl panties and learn that this too shall pass and the storm will subside (even for a bit) and give you a chance to breath in the fresh air and soak in the sunshine.

Even though you know what COULD be around the corner. What could be blowing in from the west could have a horrendous impact on you and your family. But being able to have those few moments of sun can help fend off the worst of it. And perhaps it may just blow over altogether and you get a reprieve . . . until next time.

And you will deal with that when it comes.

Help me Lord . . .

Dustin went back on his full dose of Abilify this morning. He is much happier. He is less impulsive.

The constant chatter is back FULL FORCE. He absolutely cannot control sounds from coming out of his ever-loving mouth. He is talking NON STOP, making no sense, making fart noises, saying "Did you hear me?" every fifteen seconds, repeating what everyone says.

Don't get me wrong. I will take this over the running out and hitting me anytime. But my ears are already tired and I have only been home one hour.

Anyone else notice this with Abilify? Or am I just lucky?

Just to clarify, I will welcome this with open arms if the underwear boy stops his daily trek out into the wide world.

Crispy . . .

Just when you think that you cannot handle anymore, God tends to throw you what you need. I received several life preservers this morning in the form of emails and facebook messages.

I can keep doing this. So many are travelingthe same road. So many have gone before and paved the way. It may have been paved with blood, sweat and tears, but it is still paved.

It may be hard and ugly, but it is what I am called to do.

My new favorite motto is: I can do this... even if I get a lil singed on the edges! Afterall - it is the "crispy" ones that are the best

I should not say it . . .

I have been blogging for nearly 6 years. I have gone through spurts where I blog numerous posts daily to only posting weekly. Sometimes I think no one is reading these and I should just stop and other times I don't care who is reading because I need this place to vent. Sometimes I worry about saying too much and other times I think I need to be honest for others who are going through the same thing. Sometimes I think what I am writing is falling on deaf ears, and then I get a fabulous comment that makes it all worth it.

Today is a day I really should not be blogging. I have a lot of things I really should not say.

I should not say that sometimes (especially after a weekend where he ran out 3 times) that I really don't want to be around my child. I should not say that it is hard. I should not say that I blame his birth mother for mucking up his whole existence and sometimes I hate her for it. I really should not say that although I love him to pieces and would not ever change the fact that we adopted him that I wonder what our life would've been like had we not.

I should not say that I hate my house. I hate plumbing issues. I hate the fact that we live paycheck to paycheck. I should not say that although I love my job and feel it is my calling that the pay rates SUCKS. I should not say that I envy those who do not have to worry about money and paying bills.

I should not say that I really want to crawl into bed and sleep for about 5 days straight. I should not say that I couldn't care less if my children eat chocolate cake for breakfast and wear the same clothes to school for 5 days if I could just sleep. I should not say that the husband should take care of things so I could just clock out for 5 days and do nothing. (mostly because then he would want a turn!)

What should you not say?

Again? Seriously . . .

I am sure you are sick and tired of hearing about our trials with the running. Personally I am tired of living with it. I feel like I need to document it, so if you want you can totally skip this post, however, we did get a very big gift this morning in the shape of a possible "community" that I will talk about too.

I woke this morning with an awful migraine. I used to LIVE with migraines from the time I was 10 until about 10 years ago when I went on a preventative. I went from having 4-5 a week to having maybe one a month. I have been having them with much more frequency and I hope it is stress related or linked to my back injury. I really don't want to go back to having them so often. Anyway, I stayed in bed to try to sleep off the migraine and Robert and all the kids went downstairs.

About an hour later Robert burst into the room and said he had to chase Dustin because he took off again, in his underwear. I could hardly believe it. This was the third time in as many days. I got dressed and headed downstairs.

We have a new set of neighbors that live next door. Until now we have only seen glimpses of them since they moved in during the winter months. They have a boy who visits every other weekend who is super polite and a really good kid who comes over to our yard and plays with my littles. I knew that any parent who had a child this pleasant had to be "good people". The mom was standing at my door when I came downstairs.

She told me that he husband and son were helping Robert chase him. She said she could tell we were stressed and that she wanted to help. She asked if her son could help entertain Dustin some days. I told her that she needed to rest of the story and she said she understood. She said, "I can see he is not normal, honey, he is running in his underwear!" We laughed. She said, "Honey my son is 22 years old and has a passion for helping others. He works third shift and I know he would help you out by playing games with your boy." I nearly started crying. This family really knows nothing about us and they were concerned about us. She was concerned with our stress level. She kept saying, "we need to get YOU some help." It was sweet. They said to come get them every time he runs.

The best part is that this family is african american and Dustin has always been extra-respectful to african americans. When he came to us he was fearful of them due to his prior family's misconceptions, and we have worked hard to change that. I think his initial fear has turned to cautiousness.

They caught Dustin at the end of our block. Scarily, he was trying to walk off the path that heads directly to the riverbank. They hollered for me and I walked my underwear-clad child home.

This is tiring. This is embarrassing. Perhaps we have a community who is willing to help, we can hope.

Rough day . . .

Today was not good. Dustin was off from the minute he got up in the morning. I tried loving on him for a bit this morning, but he was combative. I knew it was going to be ugly. When I left the house to go to the fabric store he took off. He was unseen for close to an hour. Usually when he runs he is easily spotted as he juts all over the neighborhood. Today he hid. We called the police after about 45 minutes. They had to chase him and tackle him again.

At least this time he had clothes on.

I don't know how we are going to make it through the summer.

Finishing the porch . . .

I decided last week that I wanted to paint the trim on the porch. I chose a soft sage green and an even lighter color of the same swatch. What a pain! I have about 60 feet of railings. Ugh. I finished on Thursday evening and I had some touch up to do today.

I deiced our old table needed some love. I went and picked out some outside fabric and considered making a tablecloth. I knew it would drive me nuts if it was always hanging crooked. The kids play on the porch a lot and I knew it would be crooked a lot so I thought about making on that is fitted.
First, I brought the table inside. I laid the fabric out upside down and flipped the table upside down on top of the table, on top of the fabric. I cut about 4-6 inches from the edge of the table.
Then I pinned the fabric around the circle so that I could sew a channel in it.
I tucked as I went along so the channel was pretty uniform.

I put elastic in the channel and sewed the ends together making something that looks like a giant shower cap.
I used the remainder of the fabric to cover two outside pillows I had already. I simply sewed an envelope slip cover and tucked the old ones inside.

Cute huh?

Thoughts for Friday . . .

What is with all this rain? I am about done with it and my grass is going to reach my armpits before I get to mow it.

Dustin ran out again yesterday. This time he was fully clothed. Robert chased him on our moped and he finally came over to him. Robert took him to Dairy Queen for complying. I hope we havn't started something, but he already runs out so maybe this will help. I have a feeling we are gonna need stock in ice cream.

I signed Harrison up for tennis lessons. We have never really done anything like this with the exception of a horrible experience with T-ball. We shall see if he likes it.

I signed McCartney up for gymnastic classes. She is the klutziest kid on the planet. This should be interesting. She will however rock the leotards and the hairbows!

I finished painting the trim on my front porch this week. What the heck was I thinking? That was a lot of work. It did however give me a break each night from the children and my porch looks great. Sorry hubby.

My crazy summer starts in a few weeks. I will be doing 2 field trips each day with the exception of Wednesday mornings. That means 9 field trips a week! Fun times. Busy, but still fun.

EPS . . .

I was asked after the last post about EPS. EPS is extrapyramidal symptoms. It is a reaction to anti-psychotic medication. The first medication Dustin had a reaction to was trileptal. He broke out in a massive rash. He was fine in the morning when we sent him to school and within an hour or arriving he was covered in a rash from head to toe. The nurse said you could actually watch it grow. It was freaky. This was after about a week on the medication. It is unclear as to whether the reaction would've gotten worse and developed into EPS. We gave him Benadryl immediately and for about 5 days after and he never took it again.

The next reaction was to Trazadone. After he had been taking it about 4 weeks he began to have problems with him bottom jaw. I thought it was simply a tic and had become a habit. Within a few days he was slobbery and talking funny. He complained of a sore throat and he talked like he had strep throat. A cough started so we gave cough medicine. That Thursday at school (he was attending an alternative school on the campus where his former psychiatrist was) they called the psychiatrist over to the school because he was complaining of his neck hurting. At this time NO ONE told me this was a group of dangerous side effects called EPS. They just said he was having a reaction. The doc gave him Cogentin and said it would get better.

By Friday he was a bit better physically but he was very paranoid and very distracted. He kept looking up to the place where the ceiling meets the wall. He was not sleeping. The p-doc visited with him at school again and upped the Cogentin, still leaving him on the Trazadone.

By Saturday morning we were in deep. His neck was so wore he could not move his head downward. He was constantly looking up. He was displaying Dyskinesias, Akathisia and Dystonia.

Dyskinesias are movement disorders and can include any of a number of repetitive, involuntary, and purposeless body or facial movements like :

• Tongue movements, such as "tongue thrusts" or "fly-catching" movements
• Lip smacking
• Finger movements
• Eye blinking
• Movements of the arms or legs
  

He was doing ALL of these. He had no idea he was doing them. He was clueless. You could tell him to stop and he would just say what and keep doing it.

Akathisia is an extreme form of internal or external restlessness. It may be a complete inability to sit still, with an urge to be moving constantly. I think this was why he was unable to sleep. I have been told that this can lead to suicide because it is so unbearable.

Dystonia is a muscle tension disorder involving very strong muscle contractions. These uncontrollable muscle contractions can cause unusual twisting of parts of the body, especially the neck. The condition can be extremely painful and can affect any part of the body, including the eyes. He would be totally okay then he would look like he was having a seizure. He would just start jerking his shoulder or his leg or his arm. It was frightening.

It was so bad, my mom came and took him to her house so we could have a break. While there he started have awful hallucinations. He was saying that "they" were coming from the ceiling. By about 9:00 at night he was screaming and running saying that the demons were coming to get him. He was pointing and screaming. At this point he had not slept in about 56 hours. My mom called scared. I came over and we took him to the ER. They admitted him and we removed him from the Trazadone. It took 3 days in the hospital and lots of shots of Geodon to dope him up while his body recovered.

He has had a few other instances of this reaction. The first time he had the reaction I called our current psychiatrist (who was new to us at the time) and told him that we had this happen before. He called it EPS and had me immediately remove him from the med. He told me that if we ignored the reaction it could be very dangerous. One time it happened in the psych hospital and I noticed it while visiting. Two other times we had recently had a dosage increase and reverting to the old dosage worked to stop the EPS. He has a very touchy system and dosage increases have to be done very small. I am thankful that our psychiatrist understands this and is super careful.

Scary stuff.

Thank Goodness for meds . . .

Shortly after we came home from Florida we had to remove Abilify from Dustin's medication regimen. I have never thought that his Abilify was particularly helpful anyway so I was okay with it. Our state-sponsored insurance in Indiana is FABULOUS. I have very little to complain about in that area of our lives. The kicker is that a portion of psychotropic drugs need a prior authorization. Meaning that your doctor has to provide documentation that the meds your child needs once or twice a year is necessary. It is a tedious process for the psychchiatrists office who is already receiving payment at a reduced rate. They will not cover two meds that do the same thing without a bit of difficulty.

Dustin's system is very sensitive when to comes to upping dosages on medication. He develops EPS very quickly and it can be life threatening. For this reason, he is on Chlozaril and Abilify. Both are anti-psychotics for his schizophrenia. I did not think dropping the Abilify would make a huge difference.

Boy was I wrong.

Last week we went back on the Abilify at a half dosage. I had a bit leftover from a previous refill. I wanted to try going back on it since we were having such a HORRID time of it lately. I wanted to see if it was a typical cycle of rotteness or if it was truly the lack of Abilify. Within 2 days we knew the verdict. He was back to "normal". He basically stopped the UGLINESS we had been seeing and reverted back to the normal ugliness that we are used to dealing with. He has stopped yelling and has not had to be restrained since we restarted it. I couldn't be more pleased.

Robert took him to the doctor last week and they are going to begin the process to get it approved. I am thankful for a doctor who is willing to do this. I am pleased that his behavior is changed a bit for the better. I know this means he is feeling a bit better in his own skin too.

Just like chemo can cure a person's cancer, psychotropic medications can be lifesavers.

Bathroom redo . . .

Wednesday afternoon I came home from work and walked toward the kitchen. I stopped in the dining room to talk to the hubby and I felt a "plunk" on my arm. I happened to be directly under our upstairs bathroom. We have had major issues with that bathroom over the years and have had to rip the ceiling out a couple times so now we have a panel up there covering the hole. I ran upstairs just to make sure the water had not been left on, but no such luck.

At this point there was just a small little drip forming on the panel, but I knew it was not good. I unscrewed the panel and it dumped a couple cups of water on the floor that had been storing up there. Oh no.

Thanks for the power of facebook, I had just found out that a friend was a plumber and has his own business. I messaged him and he said he would be out on Friday morning. I stuck a bucket under the drip and tried to forget about it. Since it was coming from a supply line it was pretty consistent, but it was not very heavy.

Here's where my OCD comes into play. I could not sleep. I kept thinking that the supply line would just let loose and flood the downstairs. So I laid in bed thinking of projects to do! When I was pregnant with Harrison we had some problems with that same bathroom. The floor around the toilet had rotted and had no DIY skills back then. I took a 3x3 foot piece of plywood and simply put it on the floor. I didn't cut out the bad stuff, I just went over the top of it. So there was a little step up to our toilet. It has bugged me for years, but I have never wanted to attempt fixing it. Until 5am on Thursday morning, then I could think of nothing else! (my mind is a scary place! LOL) When I get something in my head, it must be done and done NOW.

I decided that we (my husband loves me!) would take on this project Thursday after work. We would, remove the trim, remove the toilet, rip up the current floor, place the bad spot, re-vinyl the floor, and reset the toilet. Easy peasy! I figured if I screwed anything up I would have a plumber there the next morning to fix it for me.

I would've taken before pictures, but I just couldn't bring myself to show you the nastiness of my bathroom. This is bad enough. You must remember I live in a 120+ year old fixer upper.


This was after the trim and old floor was removed. I had already patched the floor (a huge piece of almost 2ftx3ft). I was about 1/2 way into the project at this point and just past the "What the heck was I thinking" part. I made a template of the entire floor with newspapers. I have neer done this, but I have seen it on HGTV (my old favorite show Decorating Cents) and filed it away in brain for future use. Note to self: next time don't skimp on the tape.


Then I took the template downstairs and laid out the vinyl remnant I got for half price (woot). I traced around my template with a marker and cut the vinyl with an exacto knife (scissors work too). I then took vinyl upstairs and simply laid it on the subfloor. I did have a cut some areas a bit more carefully upstairs, but all in all it only took about a half hour to install the vinyl. I love the no-glue Dupont vinyl they stock at lowes. This one was originally 11.28 a linear foot and the rolls are 12 foot long. Really inexpensive and super DIY friendly.



I had some white quarterround trim before, but I like it chunkier. I simply used 1x3's. I did not even miter them. I will caulk and paint them later. I need to refresh some wall paint in certain places too.


I still need to caulk around the tub, that lovely blue monster is my fabulous cast iron tub. It really needs resurfaced, but she is a beauty!

While I would love my bathroom to be perfect with awesome materials, that is not my life. For instance, that awful vanity really needs a home in the dump! I have realized that I can only do so much and I find ways to make do with what I have and what I can afford. In the end, I think it turned out fabulously!

On to the porch . . . the husband doesn't know it, but he's gonna help me paint . . .

Blow out . . .

Tonight was a bad night. I came home from work and immediately started mowing the grass before it rained. Dustin had to go get his every-two-weeks blood work and he was in a foul mood. Robert took him and he came home in a worse mood.

I came in from the yard work and took a quick shower, then began to work on dinner. Robert started the dishes and asked Dustin to dry them (which is ALWAYS his job) he refused. He refused. He just stood there staring at Robert. He calmly said, "Come on. Grab your towel and dry the dishes bud." I came out of the shower and he was standing there with his arms crossed and a foul look on his face. I said, "It's okay, I will dry them for you since you are grumpy." I thought he could use a break and adjust his attitude. He flipped the heck out!

He began kicking at me and trying to run from me. We have a 2/3 door in the kitchen and I pulled the lock closed. I asked him to take of his clothes, which typically stops him from running. He started flailing and kicking me. I had my hand on the waist band of his pants because he was trying to run out the back door. He was twisting and hurting fingers. I asked him to stop. He was out of control. He was hitting and trying to hurt me. Typically he doesn't really try to hurt me, he just flails. He ran to where Robert was and started hitting and kicking him. I was trying to get him in a hold and I couldn't really get a grip on him. I got him to the floor and got him into a bit of control. I asked him to go sit on the stool and settle down and he tried to hid between the wall and fridge still screaming at me. He ran into the laundry room and was throwing his sister's shoes at me. I stood my ground and gave him the "stink eye" and he stopped. He is still pretty afraid of me, so I think I still have the upper hand. He settled down after about a total of 15 minutes from start to finish.

The whole time he was yelling, "You hate me" and "You don't want me to live here" and the ever present "I should've said no!" (talking about when he said he wanted to be adopted to the judge) All this because I decided to dry the dishes for him because he didn't want to.

I have dealt with lots of fits and many, many restraints of the course of life with Dustin, but this one was U-G-L-Y. It kinda scared me. I could still handle him because although he is as tall as I am, he is scrawny and I am a big girl! I don't really recoil when he hits me (except when he slammed his elbow in my boob! OUCH! which I think was accidental) I have worked in daycare for 21 years and I have had my fair share of being spit at, kicked, hit, etc. But he was actually trying to inflict harm tonight and that is new.

I am tired, and my boob hurts! My back hurts and my hand hurts where it got twisted in his waistband. The sucky part is that within about 5 minutes he is fine. Once he is calm he thinks all is well. He holds no grudges. He thinks that once he is over it everyone else should be too and that is disconcerting. I hate it.

He wanted to hug me about 6 minutes after he was hurting me. I struggle with telling him no and explaining that people don't want to be around people who act like that and understanding that is how his very childish mind works. Do I hug him and reaffirm that I still love him no matter what, or do I say "later" and explain why? Thoughts?

Our miracle . . .

Harrison and my mom, his Nonnie.

We celebrated my baby boys NINTH birthday on Friday night with a trip to our local Japanese hibachi place. I was thrilled when he picked that particular restaurant because we hadn't been there for a while. I had had a rough day and it was perfect end to an otherwise craptastic day. He is a joy. He is our miracle child. I love my boy!

For those of you who don't know our story, I had tried to get pregnant for several years. The reason I have a son and a daughter today is due to an eye exam. You see, my husband went to get an eye exam since we had brand spankin' new insurance (which we had not had for many years). While there, the optometrist noticed a problem with his peripheral vision. She suggested we go see a neurologist. I thought she was crazy. A neurologist? We ignored her recommendation for several months. My husband began noticing that he really was struggling with his peripheral vision and thought we should schedule an appointment with an actual ophthalmologist. We did, and he said, "You need to see a neurologist right away. I think you may have a brain tumor."

We of course freaked out. It just so happens that ALL the neurologists in Fort Wayne are in the same group and they did not take our insurance. We scheduled an appointment in Kokomo (about an hour away) for the same week. He did some tests and said he thought that Robert had a tumor on his pituitary gland. An MRI confirmed it later that week.

The next week we were in Indianapolis meeting with a neuro-surgeon. It just so happened that he was the pioneer of the surgery for this particular problem that allowed them to remove the tumor without opening the skull. It was pretty amazing. Robert was his last patient. We had the man who pioneered the surgery AND his man who was taking over his practice as his doctors. We were blessed. The surgery was scheduled for the following week.

I remember standing in the doctor's office and telling him about our difficulty in getting pregnant. He said that since the pituitary gland regulates hormones it was likely that while Robert was creating "swimmers" they we probably not fertile. He said it that was our problem, I would be pregnant by Christmas. I was pregnant by August. The removed two tumors the size of walnuts off Robert's pituitary gland and he had a quick 4 week recovery.

It was a blessing that all this happened at the perfect time. We had new insurance which had awesome coverage. The surgery cost nearly $200,000 and we ended up paying $100 out of pocket. We were irritated with the neurologists in our city not being covered and we ended up with the best man in the country to perform the surgery. AND we got our babies out of the deal!

It matters to this one . . .

I have to force myself to stay away from the post I spoke about earlier in the week that was posted on Babble about it being okay to drink while pregnant. I want to rip my own head off my shoulders. But the most wonderful things happened this morning.

I receieved a comment on that post from a mother who also respectfully disagreed with the author. She is an adopted mother. Here is part of the comment she left for me. . .

I was actually directed to your blog from Monica's post. I love reading her blog but I must respectfully disagree with putting the word out for others that it is OK to drink during pregnancy. The reason I am here is that I have an adopted son whom I have always thought had problems related to his birth mother's extreme use of crack cocaine during the first trimester (she was incarcerated during the final months--thank God!)
...

Apologies for the length of this post. I appreciate the knowledge that I know this blog will provide. I have been looking for something like this for a long time. So, although Monica has lost a reader, you have gained one! Thank you and I look forward to becoming a regular reader.

Absolutely made my day! Welcome Sue!

Yearly IEP . . .

Yesterday I attended Dustin's yearly IEP meeting. I expected it to be fairly uneventful and for the most part it was.

There was one thing that disturbed me about the meeting. Dustin's para-professional ( his 1:1 aide) mentioned that she would like us to address the poking issue. Dustin tends to poke people when he wants their attention. He drives my mother nuts with it when he first sees her, but a couple firm redirections and it stops right away. He no longer pokes me because I don't allow it.

I turned to Dustin and addressed it. She said it was "real bad". I told her I knew what she meant and that he used to do that to me but I put a stop to it. She said, "How?" I wanted to say "Because I am the adult and I told him no in no uncertain terms to touch me like that." but I was kinder and told her I just put my foot down about it. Then she began to talk about all the ways he touches her. She said that he rubs her arm and her shoulder. She said he likes to put his arm around her when they walk down the hall and that he rests his head on her shoulder when he doesn't want to do work or when he is in trouble. She also told me that he tends to pet her shoulder when he is done eating and is waiting for the lunch hour to be over so much so that he gets food on her clothing everyday. This apparently has been going on for a LONG time and I was never made aware of it. The teacher had no idea how bad it was either.

I was appauled. I turned to Dustin and raised my voice giving him the business right there in the assistant principles office. I told him that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is he to touch her again. I said, "She is not your friend, your mother or in your family. You are her job. She is your boss and you may not EVER touch her." She began back-peddaling saying she was his friend. I said, "I understnd you care about him, but you are not friends. He needs to treat you with the respect of an authority figure." I was fuming angry.

I am not in any way insinuating that she was being inappropriate. She was frustrated with the behavior as well. But OH MY GOODNESS allowing that behavior to continue for all this time is just unacceptable. We have had many conversations with the staff about attachment issues and getting "too close" to others outside of the family, and she didn't think telling me this was a good idea? For all these years?

Seriously. Should I even have to have this conversation?

All I know is it better stop. No hugs. No "petting" no touching her period. The kid has to have limits. Boundaries have not been set and it will be difficult to fix that, but it better be done.

Anyone else think that this could be part of the problem we are seeing at home with some attachment issues? Him not wanting to "live in this house" and him always saying, "I wish you didn't adopt me" are coming from something and I am wondering if it is partially from the attachment he feels with her. Ya think?

You must be joking . . .

Unfortunately she is not.
I was directed to a blog about a week ago by the lovely and talented Mamapundit and I have enjoyed reading Monica's posts. Today she posted an article for Babble in which she says drinking occasionally while pregnant is okay. The Girl Who has lost this reader forever! For all that is holy, spend one HOUR with my son and tell you you want to take that risk for your precious babies!

Her premise is you COULD drink a bit while pregnant and you COULD get a perfectly fine child. My premise is, you COULD stab yourself in your pregnant belly and your child COULD totally be fine, but why would you take that chance?

She says "Come give me The Business. Or save me from The Business I'm about to get from a lot of folks." I gave her the business. It was respectful too. (shocker I know!) Head on over and do so, of course if you have high blood pressure you may not want to read all the other commenters. I kinda threw up in my mouth a bit.

Just a thought. . .

Probably not something that is of supreme interest to others who read this blog, but I feel like venting here so I will.

While I think that what the special forces troops accomplished in finally finding Osama Bin Laden and while I think he is a horrid man and really needs to stand and answer for his crimes, I find it distasteful that we as a country are rejoicing in his death.

I got into a conversation on a friend's facebook page about this. She had posted a quote from Pope John Paul II who was recently beautified. It said, "Forgiveness is above all a personal choice, a decision of the heart to go against the natural instinct to pay back evil with evil."

This actually puts into words what I was thinking tonight. While I am pleased that this part of our history has been concluded, I find it a bitter pill that we are rejoicing in a death. It is not sitting well with me, even within myself. I have no problem celebrating our troops and their accomplishment. Something within me just gives my spirit a check that we are celebrating a death. But I suppose it is also why I am anti-death penalty.

I was asked "What is odd about celebrating the death of a man who wants to kill you ALL and your children???" And I answered, "The celebrating part." I am not celebrating. I'm not mourning, but I am not celebrating.

"We can no longer afford to worship the god of hate or bow before the altar of retaliation. The oceans of history are made turbulent by the ever-rising tides of hate. And history is cluttered with the wreckage of nations and individuals that pursued this self-defeating path of hate." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Just a thought, I welcome your opinions, they will be respected.