I worry. It is who I am and who I will likely always be. I worry about things that I have no control over. I worry about things I cannot change. I worry abut worrying.
Lately by biggest worry has been my 2 younger kiddos. I worry that raising them in a home that is as chaotic as mine and as crazy as ours can be will "break" them. I worry that all the attention given to Dustin will make them feel "less". I worry that they are not getting what they need from me as a parent. Are they getting a tired, grumpy and on edge parent? They deserve better.
Logically, I can tell myself that no one grows up in a optimal environment and that this life will make them more compassionate, more patient and more loving. Logically, I can tell myself that I am doing the best we are doing the best we can and it will all come out in the wash. But it is HARD. It is hard to see them struggle. It is hard to see them get frustrated that their 17 year old brother is on the porch in his underwear when we come home from daycare. It is hard to see them get angry that he can't just do what he is asked. I hate seeing them grouching at him. I hate hearing them say "Can't you just listen for once!?" I hate denying them the ability to go somewhere as a family because it is a place that Dustin can't handle the sensory aspect of. I hate saying no to sleepovers and play dates at our house because of what I would be exposing other children to.
Today is teacher conferences at their school. I know that both kids will get talked to about not completing homework. In reality, that is more my fault than theirs. Typically they get fabulous grades and do well in class. Our life is so chaotic in the evenings, homework is one of the last things I push. Most nights we scrap it in order to have some semblance of family time or Dustin is so out of hand that nothing would get done anyway. It is my issue and something I am going to have to address with the teachers. I hate airing our "dirty" laundry, but sometimes I feel like it has to be done. I hate feeling like a failure not being able to juggle it all.
Both of my kids have definitely inherited a piece of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I think that s where the problem lies. The way that is presents itself is different in each child, but our household and it's atmosphere is not helping. I have to come up with a way to calm the entire house and to make each child feel as though they are an integral and important part of our home. And maybe they already feel that way and these are my own insecurities spilling over! I thought as the kids got older, it would be easier, and it seems to just present new challenges and hiccups.
There are no easy answers.
One year since he's been gone.
1 week ago