Yesterday the kids did not have school. I was not feeling well so I stayed home. Last week Dustin missed one day of school because he wasn't feeling well. I suppose that's not exactly true. Dustin has virtually no pain receptors or malfunctioning ones at best. He doesn't really "know" when he isn't feeling well. We typically don't know he is sick until he is hacking and coughing to sniffling or fevering. Then, he "knows" he is sick because we say, "You sound horrible." That is when the outward "faking" begins. He "knows" he is supposed to feel bad, but he really doesn't so he acts sick. Last week was one of those hacking and coughing times and he stayed home one day and begged to return to school the next. He's been sounding well ever since. However, I'm not so sure he is "feeling" well or better stated, I'm not sure sure his body is back to 100% whether he "knows" it or not.
He's been really "off" for a few days. This weekend was lots of whining and grumpiness. yesterday was AWFUL. His routine was messed up because of the school cancellation and he kept saying the "school people are bad for not letting him go to school". So he was angry about that and just about everything else. At one point in the afternoon I asked him to leave his sister alone. He stormed upstairs. I told him if he was going to storm away while I was talking to him, he could simply stay in his room for a while. He did and he came back down a little later with a much better attitude. . . briefly.
The remainder of the evening was much of the same. I could not get warm for the life of me. I kept getting chilled and I thought I was feeling a breeze coming down the steps. I sent Dustin upstairs to make sure all the windows are shut (we sometimes open the bathroom window because the upstairs get incredibly hot) He said they were all shut. I chalked it up to not feeling well.
When Robert went upstairs to put the kids to bed, we found a mess. Dustin had broken his window while he was mad at me earlier! There was however, very little glass on the floor of his room, I figured it had went outside onto the roof. I went upstairs to clean up and secure the window for the night and I discovered that he had removed most of the glass and HIDDEN it in his closet. He actually thought I wouldn't know he broke the window if he hid the pieces of glass! That is a brain that has missed object permanence. That is a brain that is affected be prenatal exposure to alcohol. That is my life.
Later in the evening Dustin and I were talking about how he should've told me because it was cold in the house. These were his exact words, "Maybe I should make a fire in my room tonight to keep warm." YIKES! Now, in all likelihood he is talking in imaginary terms and is being silly in the way a 4 year old would be. But, knowing that his brain is damaged from prenatal alcohol exposure coupled with the fact that he is definitely "off-kilter" lately, I ain't taking no chances! The boy slept on the floor next to my bed last night. There is NO WAY he is going to be unsupervised at all for a even little while.
I hate that I have to "fear" my son of more precisely, the choices he may make. I hate that he is so "damaged" by the simple fact that his bio-mother was selfish and drank while he was growing within her. I hate that I can't trust him to be unsupervised. And, I hate that I have to pay for a new pane of glass. I hate Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. . . but I love my boy.
One year since he's been gone.
1 week ago