Wednesday, January 04, 2006

What parents can do to their children . . . .

I have an adopted son. He was born to a mother who drank while pregnant. I don't mean she had a cocktail or two before she found out, I mean she "drank like a fish". My son will live forever with the affects of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. It is not a fun thing.

He is permanently damaged.

"His brain is broken" as my 3 year old says.

Right now he is undergoing inpatient treatment due to his impulsivity. This stinks. It stinks for the fact that I feel like a lousey parent that I cannot deal with my own child. It stinks for the fact that he cannot come home right now for fear he will hurt himslef or one of us due to his impulsivity. It stinks for the fact that he has to go through this becuase his mother was selfish, and chose to drink when she knew it was harmful.

Not only is my son Fetal Alcohol, but he is also a child of abuse. Many abusers walked through his life and through his mother's door before he was taken from her home by DFC. I don't know how a parent could allow their child to be abused and not protect them with every means possible. I don't live in such a situation so I can't understand it. However, I don't think I'd ever put myself in that situation to begin with.

What it ends up to be is a child who is completely messed up BY his mother. We're not just talking about blaming your inabliity to commit to a marriage in later life being the affect of the way your mother stopped breast feeding you at too early of an age . . . We're talking about a mother purposefully doing something and allowing things to be done to her child that PERMANENTLY and TOTALLY will not allow this child to have a normal functioning life. I don't understand it.

Don't say that I am a "saint for taking this child into my family". Don't say he's "lucky to have you". Don't say, "you're a great parent for dealing with someone elses mistake". I don't feel like any of those things. I make mistakes sometimes, I get angry sometimes, I punish him for things he cannot control sometimes, I am HUMAN. Just think about it next time you see a child behaving poorly in a store or next to you at the restaurant. Think about the fact that they could be "damaged" by a mother's negligence. The person with them could be me. They could be caring for someone elses mistake. Don't assume the parents aren't good parents. My son presents as a normal child, he simply presents as a big brat. I want to put a sign on him sometimes that says "The family I'm with DID NOT make me this way". Yes, I'm embarassed, but we will continue to go into public that's the only way he can learn to cope in that situation.

Think about it . . . think about us.


one4JC said...

Ok So I won't say any of those things, but I will say that no matter what you think or anyone else thinks YOU are a great person. You are kind,loving (ok a little sarcastic),funny and an all around great person to be around.

Delete it if you want but that's what I think!

IT-Chick said...

ok. I agree with her. (for once)
Golly, Ned. I can't understand wholly what you are going thru. But know that in my heart, I ask God to.

Now, excuse me I have to stop my kid, he is exercising his superhero powers he got from the fountain at Glenbrook last fall when he threw a penny in. Funny, it didn't work for me...

Laura said...

I won't say those things either if you don't want to hear them. But God bless you and don't feel like a bad parent. I think you know that YOU weren't the bad parent. I'll pray for you.

FAScinated said...

I have 2 adopted children and 4 "homemade" children. My two adopted children both have FASD. I write in my blog a lot about how frustrating it is to parent kids with brain damage from prenatal exposure to alcohol. Last year an aide at my son's school was telling people in my community that the brat in her classroom would be a lot better off if his mother would stop calling his bad behavior a disability and start disciplining him. People just don't understand. I just wanted you to know that I understand. ~Kari