Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Holy Kook-a-nut

I'm obsessive.

That is no great epiphany for anyone who knows me well. I cannot let anything go. I guess I'm like a terrier in that respect. I grab ahold of something or start worrying about something and there is nothing else I think about.

The first year of our marriage sucked. Plan and simple. I had lived alone a long time, even with a roomate I basically had the house to myself, then I spent 2 years alone. I enjoyed my routine. Then came Robert . . . I had to share everything. Things were not being put in the spots I wanted them, things were sprialing out of my control, and to top it all off birth-control makes me INSANE. That was one crappy year!

Then, I started learning about letting go of things. The counselor I started seeing pretty much said, "you've got issues lady" she sent me to my physican and she said "you've got issues lady, I think you're OCD"

The more I learned about Obsessive-Complusive Disorder I said, "Holy crap! I've got issues!" I am definitely not so much compulsive. I don't do the handwashing thing, or the checking the lock on the door 500 times and I don't worry about unseen germs, etc. I do however obsess. I cannot stop worrying, fretting, stressing . . .

Medication has helped. I don't let the little things bother me so much anymore. It used to be that I couldn't go to sleep with a sink full of dirty dishes, now I can. However, some things I cannot let go. The coffee table has to be cleaned off all the time, I have to vaccuum before I can enjoy television, I cannot relax if something around me is not straightened or cleaned up. My house is not immaculate, but certain things MUST be done. Things have to be in their proper place, or simply out of sight. I still FREAK OUT over big things. I lost something the other day. I haven't thought about much else since then. I check under things, in things, around things 2 sometimes 3 times if not more. I look places it know it simply can't be. I even go so far as to call places that I've been since I saw it last - even though I know it couldn't be there. It is as though "no stone can be left unturned"

After a while, I'll give up. Eventually, I will either find it or still stress about it being lost, but not look for it.

Anyone seen my navy Vera-Bradley bag . . .

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