It astounds me how people can just do things without thinking. I think too much. I guess it was how I was raised, but I truly don't like to dissappoint people. Is it because I like to please others? Is it because I want others to like me? I think it's because I was raised that your word stands for somehting. When you give your word, you mean it. When I have to change that, and break that word, I really stress about it. I mean REALLY stress about it. I made a promise, that promise has to be broken. (I belive it is for a good reason, but that doesn't help relieve my stress) I will not sleep tonight, my stomach already hurts, I will run through it over and over in my head becuase I have let a friend down by breaking that promise.
My father passed away 9 years ago. He never got to meet my husband, he didn't walk me down the isle at my wedding, he couldn't hold my babies, he didn't have the opportunity to be called Papa. I regret that he missed so much. He would be proud of my life. He would have loved being a grandpa. He would love that I stress over something like this. Ya know why? He made certain that my word meant something. He wanted me to be a strong person that held commitment and loyalty sacred. My dad raised be to be a good person always. We tell my son, "you do the right thing even when no one is looking." My dad would love that statement.
I understand sometimes, things happen. I understand you can't always forsee when things happen that could chagne the situation. I have broken my promise because I feel as though I have to. I don't take it lightly, but I will still worry about it and fret about it, and wish it could be different.
I'd like to say I wish I was a wishy-washy person that could change at the drop of a hat and break promises and it wouldn't phase me one bit . . . .wait . . . I don't wish I was that person. I like being loyal and faithful. I like having a conscience.
Down to the River
19 hours ago