Monday, December 29, 2008

Regret . . .

Here is some true honesty, if you don't wanna hear it run away now. . .

Sometimes I think about regret. Do I regret having adopted Dustin? Not in the least. I love him beyond words. There are sometimes that it pains me to be near him or I am so angry at him I don't want to look at him, but I don't regret adopting him.

He is frustrating the heck out of me right now. He is struggling with his school routine being uprooted for break and he asks "When are we gonna open more presents?" about 37 times a day. He cannot cope with the change and the excitement of the holidays. He will not leave the littles alone. He picks at them, torments them and thinks he is in charge of their every move. It drives them to yelling and me to tears. It probably didn't help that I had a 5 day weekend and so the kids were home during that time also.

I guess if you asked me about regret I would say that I regret that the little ones do have to put up with his behaviors. I regret that we as parents signed them up for this. We made the choice and it effects them. I worry that they will not have a "normal" childhood, then I wonder what is "normal" anyway. When I sit and think about it rationally I can see that they are much more tolerant of differences in kids from living with Dustin. I read Kari's blog and see that she is a more patient mom having grown up with siblings that were from special needs adoptions and her grown home-made children seem fabulous with her adopted kids with special needs. Then I read Cindy's blog and see that she has many successes and has to live through many failures as well. So, something must work. . . sometimes. . . eventually.

Right now we have a 5 year old and a 6 year old. Since Dustin is at about a 4-6 year old level, it is like we have 3 needy triplets. Harrison is terribly bright and can keep himself busy, but he likes to always show you his game, read you a book, have you come look at the computer game he is playing, and help him with this or that. McCartney is very clingy and always wants to be at my side. Stuck to me. On my legs, my lap, my shoulders. She is quite afraid to be alone, and will no longer play in the upstairs playroom without someone with her. Dustin needs CONSTANT line of sight supervision. It becomes quite tiring. The three of them wear me out.

I do not regret having Dustin in my life. I do regret his disorder. I wish far better for him than I fee like I can provide most days. I regret that I am not a better parent, mother, spouse. I regret being ME most days. Logically I know I am doing the best job I can, but emotionally I feel like an utter failure. I love my kids, I want the best or them, and I always feel like I an ruining them. Is that normal? Who knows. But it is my normal.

7 comments:

Lisa said...

I think all moms of special needs have regrets from time to time. I think it's normal because our lives are difficult beyond measure and unless someone has walked in our shoes they have no idea.

Wishing I were there to give you a hug and swoop in with some respite for you.
This cyber hug will have to do {{{{Sherri}}}}}

Accidental Mommy said...

I can tell you what you've just described is my normal.

I do regret the adoption. It is my biggest regret. Perhaps I shouldn't say the adoption but rather how fast we adopted and how we let them push us into it.

I am so worried that I did the wrong thing by adopting them now. I was in such a hurry to get those people out of our lives that I let it happen. But what if by adopting them,I screwed them out of the help they needed?

So many questions and what if's...you are not alone.

FAScinated said...

Sheri,
I personally believe that there are no accidents. I guess that's how I get through most days. I believe that God is working on faults and impurities and refining them by fire...and they aren't the faults of my children with FASD, they are my own.

I do wonder sometimes about the other children in my family. I worry that I don't spend enough time with them. I worry that our resources often go toward Ben and Anna's extraordinary needs. I worry that I'm not the kind of parent that my kids need, that I'm not strong enough to do this. I worry that I will end up losing my mind in the end...

But, on the upside, my prayer life has improved dramatically! I have deeper and more meaningful friendships than I've ever had in my life, and my family strives to live what we believe. We screw up all the time, all of us, but we forgive and move on.

It's OK if your kids see you lose it sometimes...it's what they see after you lose it that really counts, though. And what they've seen is that you are still their mom no matter what. I think you are wonderful, by the way. And I love your honesty. ~Kari

Kevin Knuth said...

Sheri,

There is no such thing as "normal". We all have our own version of "normal"- that which is what we are accustomed to.

Your "littles" are learning some valuable lessons- what FAS does, what it is like to have a special needs child in the home, etc.

You should take great pride in the fact that when NO ONE ELSE was there for Dustin, you and Robert were...you are good people!

Torina said...

Oh yeah. That regret thing. I regret and think and rethink and then think what the hell am I doing thinking about all this so much...then I start over again. ...And think some more :)

My husband shares your concern about Tara harming our boys or them not having a normal childhood because of her. But I, the silver lining freak, twist it around and look at it as how much tolerance and acceptance they are learning. They have to be patient with this 13 yr old annoying, hurtful person who does not have the same mental capacity as them. Sometimes, I wonder if they have more patience than I do. Yesterday, I was so utterly frustrated like you sound today...wondering how much patience I could squeeze out of the dry washcloth that is my reserve. Today...I eat chocolate...

Marla said...

Beautiful post.

Janie said...

I read your blog regularly but don't comment too often. I think you will wear a very beautiful crown in heaven for the things you have done for Dustin and your other two. I am not a mom of special needs kids, but I too have regrets... It is not an accident that God put Dustin in your life. Hang in there!