Patience . . .

Patience is not my strong suit.

After the explosive evening last Monday when Dustin ran away Tuesday was even worse. Tuesday evening, Robert came to bed and rolled over. He immediately clutched his chest and began panicking. I sprung out of bed and began asking him what was wrong. He said he felt like he was having a heart attack. After some questions, I called for an ambulance. A fire truck was here within 3 minutes (we live around the corner from station #1) They gave Robert some aspirin and began checking him out. The EMT's arrived soon and they did a quick EKG. His heart looked ok but they transported him to the hospital. My mom came over to stay with the kids and we spent the night in the ER. Turns out, he pulled a muscle in his chest wall probably when chasing Dustin the night before.

While taking some Xrays, they found what they described as a mass in his lung. I was really proud of myself. I did not FREAK OUT. I stayed calm and listened when they told me it was probably nothing. It was small, they initially thought it was a shadow of his nipple. They wanted him to check it out immediately.

We were in the ER until 6:00am. Robert slept most of the next day and I called the doctor. The doctor wanted to see him the next day (Thursday) and sent him for an immediate CAT scan on Friday.

It was a long weekend. I thought about the mass a lot and what that would mean for us. I lost my father to cancer and most of his family. I fear cancer. We did a quick, impromptu trip down to Kentucky to visit Robert's family on Saturday which kept my mind off it for the most part.

Today we found out it is a benign nodule. Nothing to be concerned about.

I couldn't be more relieved.

Perspective . . .

Last night was not a good night. I have a sneaking suspicion that it was because he got called out on snowing the new worker. He was in a rotten mood. About 1:30 in the morning Robert woke me up and said Dustin ran. He was in his skivies. While our neighborhood is not terribly bad, I fear him running around the neighborhood in his underwear in the middle of the night. I just looked it up and we have 9 registered sex offenders in a .5 miles radius of our home. Scary.

Anyway, he had been gone about an hour and a half before 2 officers chased him done in a dark alley. The officer actually had to run after him. That was new one. Typically he comes to the car when asked.

He spent the next hour telling us how he hated us and wanted to go to "kid jail" because he didn't want to live with us. Once he finally broke down and starting crying he kept saying, "I am afraid you will get rid of me." We reassured over and over that this is his home and he is family. There is no getting rid of him and why on God's green earth would we chase you if we wanted you gone?

Anyway, I posted on facebook and a friend said she had just spent the afternoon at the ball diamond with a toddler, a baby and two preschoolers who were less than happy to be there. She said this put her trauma in perspective. I suppose it is all about perspective and we have no idea how anyone else lives and goes through daily. I am sure there is much worse than my trauma as well.

But, we'll keep plugging away because he is my son.

Snowed. . .

So, we have been visited by our services coordinator 2x so far. This week we will meet with his mentor and set some goals for the program and for Dustin to work on. We have sat in the living room and talked about Dustin's strengths and weaknesses. She told us how the program works and we chatted about our needs. Both times Dustin has been present while we chatted. He got approximately 1500 stink eyes from me during this time. He has however been decent. He usually is when he is the center of attention.

Today she said, "Honestly I am surprised he qualified for this program since he is so well behaved."

BWA HAHAHAHAHA !

I said, "He has you snowed!"

Understanding . . .

I am probably opening myself up to a whole slew of criticism here , but I cannot let it go. . .

I have spoken about disruption and my ideas about it several times If you are tired of hearing my opinion just move along, but I truly mean to be respectful and I want to understand.

One of the blogs I read occasionally posts about children whose adoptive parents are needing to find them a new adoptive home for a myriad of reasons. Mostly their behaviors make them difficult to deal with in a particular family situation. This time it is about children who have been home for a week and a half and they have some significant, yet treatable, medical issues . . . here is part of the text. . .


We adopted a sibling group, brother (7-8 yo) and sister (4-5 yo), from Ethiopia. When we started this process with our agency in November 09, we stated we could take children with minor, correctable medical conditions... Two days after we passed Ethiopian court, when they became legally ours, we were told the little girl had a heart condition, Tetrology of Fallot, which is correctable with heart surgery. Her prognosis after surgery is a normal, healthy life... ...we were told he (the boy) had 4 cervical vertebrae fused, a condition which may or may not need treatment. As previously mentioned, we went into the adoptive process stating we could only accept minor, correctable medical conditions based upon our existing family situation...

...

We are looking for a Christian family to take these two children as their own. Back in Ethiopia, the Uncle made us promise that his niece and nephew would be raised in a Christian home and we want to honor his request. I know it seems as if one and a half weeks is not enough time to make this kind of decision but we feel certain that this is what needs to be done for the sake of everyone involved. We feel that it would be best to move the children into their new family as soon as possible so that they can begin bonding with their forever family sooner rather than later.

Wow. I truly mean to be respectful, I do, But HOW does a family do this? How can they go through all that they did to get these kids and treat it like a "return" at the store? I will never understand. What will these kids feel? How can they not feel broken, returnable, unimportant, disposable?

I have an adopted son who is VERY difficult and 2 bio kids with their own issues. I cannot return them or find them another home if they are not what I expected.

I understand they said they needed a certain thing, but medical issues can arise at any time. . . these children could've been involved in a very bad car accident and required medical intervention that far exceeds their expectations . . .

I guess what I am saying is that life is not predictable.

Adoptions cannot be ordered off a menu.

Help me understand.

(Out of respect for the other blog, I will not link to her site. I respect what she is doing in posting this, but I do not understand the intentions of the primary family. I am sorry I just don't)

PBJ . . .

A couple weeks ago I was reading a blog (forgive me, I cannot remember which one) and they were talking about Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches. I LOVE PBJ's! I am slightly addicted to them. I would take them to work everyday if I could. We have a child at work who is HIGHLY allergic and we cannot have them in the building. So I have to get my fix in the morning and evening . . . usually I have one for breakfast and one for a nighttime snack.

Anyway, this blogger was talking about hating when the jelly is lumpy. I also hate lumpy jelly. It is a travesty! Even worse, I hate when I am trying to spread lumpy jelly and it tears my bread. Ugh. This blogger decided to put their jelly (or jam) in the blender and make it smooth. Then they put it in a squirt container.

I felt stupid! I had never thought of blending my jelly. I did however imagine a terrible mess in the blender (I do not have a dishwasher) and I couldn't bring myself to do it. Since then I have been putting the jam in a small dish and stirring it briskly for a minute to smooth it out. Woot! Works perfectly! Even better, when I use my Pampered Chef sandwich cutter it turns out all even. (meds only treat so much of my OCD!)

My husband laughed at me for taking pictures of my sandwich making process, but here it is :

Mmmmm, Schmuckers Concord Grape Jam. . . is there any other kind?? (Grape is strictly for peanut butter and strawberry is only for toast in my world)

Mmmmmmm, smooooth!

Look at the even-ness.

Oh deer . . .

While we were in Washington DC, we experienced an odd sight. One that is still haunting me and Robert as well. We were leaving DC about midnight Monday evening and traveling the Clara Barton Parkway. It is the road we took most out of the city to Maryland where our hotel was. This road is a divided road that is full of trees and has a canal to one side. It is truly a beautiful piece of road.

I had just gotten that feeling that we should be careful to look for deer. Do you ever do that? Get this wonky feeling in the pit of your stomach that deer are nearby and you should be cautious as to not hit one? I said to Robert, "Honey watch out for deer" and just then we saw a very small deer laying in the other lane. A larger deer, that we assumed was the mama, was standing at the side of the road completely still looking at the baby in the middle of the road. It was heartbreaking. It was as though the small deer was not yet dead and the larger animal had an instinct to not leave until it was over.

So we were shaken. We traveled down the road a stretch and saw a fawn standing half on the road half off right to the side of our van. Robert slowed and I hollered out the window for it to run away. Dustin starts clapping telling me, "You did good mom!" and then he says, "I think we should raise it!" I said, "Oh good Lord, Dustin, we are not raising a deer . . . and we are on vacation!" Then he says, "Mom! It's the only way!" That is when we lost it and began laughing. It was pretty funny. He is a piece of work.

Robert starts really laughing and says we should call a "Bambi-lance" . . . any Bob and Tom fans out there? Ever heard the "bambulance" bit? I was laughing so hard I could hardly breath.

I ♥ my family . . .

Fabulous . . .

What would happen if Ain't That Sherific never existed? (my new favorite street in DC)

Monumental . . .

Lincoln

Jefferson

Iwo Jima

Franklin Roosevelt

Washington

The Fourth of July in D.C . . .

Washington DC family fun . . .

Busy mama . . .

I am one busy mama! Things are crazy around here as we cruise into the second month of summer. My summer program at the daycare is in full swing and I am doing 9 field trips each week. This week for instance I am going to a pottery place to paint tiles with the kiddos (a different group each day) and then the pool in the afternoons on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday mornings. On Wednesday we did our rotating trip with one group, this 4 week period is Zestos, a local ice cream place. It is FUN, but it is sooooo tiring! My days fly by and I still have some desk work to do the hour before each trip, the hour at lunch and the hour after the pools, so it is full to the brim!

Dustin is doing okay. Last week he had special needs VBS at a large church so we had something to look forward to and also to threaten with. It sometimes works when he has something he cares about. . . not always, but sometimes. We also increased one of his meds (abilify) last week so I am holding out hope this will help things around here. He has not ran, a couple times he has made threats about it, but he has resisted for the most part.

We are having an adventure this holiday weekend so I look forward to that!

Apparently . . .

posting from my phone apparently doesn't work! LOL

I am without internet at the house due to a blown booster and my lovely friends at com.cast could not get here for FOUR days! I think I have lost my mind. What did we do before the World Wide Web??

Anyhoo, I am at work and I am stopping by to holler from the rooftops!!! We got approved for services for Dustin! We applied for a program last week that takes the slack from the BDD waiver program (not sure if that is just an Indiana thing?!) that we have been waitlisted for 7 years with. It offers some in home services, some flexible spending, RESPITE care (woot!) and some care similar to the PCA program that I hear about from all of my Minnesota buddies.

There was some concern that we would not qualify since they require hospitalizations in the recent past, but he did score the best possible (worst?!) on his assessment at the highest level so we did slide in! I have never been so thankful to have horrible behaviors to deal with in my whole life! He should qualify for the largest amount of services that they offer if we are wanting him to have them. We get to pick and choose what we would like to take advantage of and what we think would not work with him.

You have no idea how thrilled I am. I feel like we have been floating around forever with nothing to reinforce us for so long. I really hope this helps! I really hope it ends up being a beneficial program not only for our peace of mind, but something Dustin will enjoy!

Summer Storm . . .

These were taken this past Friday about 6:30, of a storm that sprung up pretty fast and got ugly. They look pretty cool.

The Tin Caps . . .

A wonderful friend gave us some tickets to our local baseball team's game the other day. The littles went with daddy and I stayed home with Dustin. We were concerned he would run given his streak of bad decisions lately. They had a blast!




Their mascot is Johnny Appleseed, hence the name, Tin Caps. Here is a giant bobblehead of Johnny.

She's a beauty . . .

A week or so ago, I answered a friend's question on her facebook and I won something from her etsy shop, The Vintage Lane. I arrived today and it is gorgeous!

Head on over and check out Rachael's site . . . she does great work!

Going off the rails . . . .

. . . on a crazy train. (Are you singing Ozzy yet?)

The crazy train has not only pulled into the station, but it has left the tracks. School has been out two days at it has sent Dustin into a tailspin. I am hoping and praying that this is simply a reaction to the transition of school (which he ADORES) to being home for the summer.

Yesterday he slept until 4:00 in the afternoon and he was a little wacky when he woke up. I got home about 5:30 and he was not quite "normal". And trust me, we are rarely "normal" so if he is not even "Dustin normal" we are really concerned. I could see it in his eyes. It was not the typical vacant expression it was one of pure crazy. (probably offended several people with that, I don't mean it disrespectfully) It was deer in the headlights, confused, borderline teary, anxious, and just plain crazed.

He would NOT leave the little ones alone. I called him into the living room to talk to me and I had the laptop on my lap. He knew I could not easily chuck it and chase him so he took off. He left about 9:15 pm. We did not chase him out the door, I was hoping he would come right back. I started panicking becuase I did not even know the direction he went so I got into the car. We had not yet called the police, I usually try to wait about 20-30 minuted before I call. I drove a few blocks and I was rounding a corner back toward home and I saw him. He was on the sidewalk, near a tree, not too far from home with a stray black cat hanging from his arms. It was a little disconcerting. He was wearing an orange striped shirt and blue fleece pajama pants with giant polar bears on them with no shoes on. He saw me and you could see the anxiety in his eyes and he really wanted to dart across the street. He looked confused and burst into tears which was a new reaction. He got into the car without much trouble and we chatted. He was NOT in reality. He kept talking about the cat being the one we lost a long time ago. He was obsessed with the cat and kept saying he rescued it. The rest of the evening we made sure we were strategically placed between him and the front door.

Today I got home from work and Robert was out of breath. He had been chasing Dustin who had just ran out about 5 minutes before I got home. I got in the car and took off to look for him. I suspected he would go back to where the cat was so I headed that direction. He was not there, but he was across that street up on the River Greenway (a trail system in our city that winds around the rivers) which scares the living crap out of me, because from there it is one stumble away from drowning in the river. He saw me and initially started to dart and I told him to get in the car and we would go home to get ice cream. He sat in the car and wept. Real big tears. He was talking about wanting the police to come, almost being taken by two big men, not wanting to leave our family, being taken away, going to jail, having our dogs go to the pound, wanting to go to the hospital for 5 days etc. All of this was disjointed and crazed. Do you see a pattern? It seems like a lot of attachment and neglect stuff to me.

I have a plan to deal with the running. We are going to try it tomorrow. I am not even going to talk about it because I am afraid I will jinx it or it will end really badly. I will blog about it if we see some success then you'll think I am nuts AND a genius!

I know other things need changing if we are going to survive the summer. We need to find more ways to say yes since NO triggers the running more times than not. I think we are simply going to have to figure out a way to say yes even if it is not answer to his question. Does that make sense? Let's say he asks, "Mom can I have a buffalo for the backyard?" we are gonna answer something like, "You can have a popsicle, but the buffalo won't work!" I think it will be referred to as creative redirection from now on. We shall see if this works. Maybe more positivity, even if it is misdirection, may work. Hey, it works for magicians doesn't it? Maybe I will create a new behavior modification program called "slight of hand", hey, it could happen! LOL

Tonight when I left to find him I pulled around the corner and had to park for a few minutes. I was crying too hard to drive. I am just so tired of all this. I am tired of searching for him. I am tired of having the trauma for the littles. I am tired of feeling like we cannot keep him safe. It is NOT time for a group home, it is not time for residential, we HAVE to be able to find a way to make this work. I will not give up. (I mean no disrespect to those who had to make that decision, I don't live in your shoes, I just really don't want that right now for us)

Wish me luck with this hair brained idea tomorrow!

Yummy chicken . . .

A few weeks ago we were at Sam's Club, or as I like to call it The Appetizer Bar, on a Sunday afternoon. One of the things they were sampling was Weber's Canadian Chicken Seasoning. My kids went back for seconds so I finally tried it. It was fabulous!! We got the last container of seasoning they had and we have made it several times since.

All you do is put some boneless, skinless breasts in a gallon zip lock bag and add some olive oil. Sprinkle liberally with the Canadian Chicken Seasoning and mix it around. Throw it in the fridge over night and grill it up. It is so YUMMY!

PC . . .

Today I was talking to someone and I used the phrase, "my special needs child". They corrected me saying, "he is NOT his diagnosis, you should say 'my child who has special needs'". I know this. I have even done a training on using Person First Language. But to me I really couldn't care less.

Take me for instance. I am OCD. Everything I do revolves around the fact that my brain is wired different than others without OCD. I don't get bent out of shape about the phrasing.

I am well aware that my child is more than a sum of all his parts. In this particular instance I was talking to someone who had really no concept of my child's abilities. I was attempting to make them aware that this was not a neuro-typical child. Dustin IS my special needs child. Dustin IS my FAS child. It controls who he is and what he does. It makes him who he is. In our case, it is all encompassing and pervasive.

Does this language offend you? What is your take on it?

Where are you . . .

I don't know where it is. I have lost my blogging mojo. One would think that with the crazy crap I deal with daily I would have some story to tell you. One would also think that with as much as I like to talk I could come up with something, but I got nothin'.

Dustin is still Dustin. I am kind of in avoidance mode. Tomorrow is the last day of school. I am terrified for the summer. He is on this screaming loudly kick. You know, just because the windows are open and he knows others can hear him. We have new neighbors I really need to go talk to.

The littles are doing well. They are growing up too fast. They get up on their own and head downstairs to fix their own breakfast. Seriously! Not my babies! They need to stay littler longer.

I am heading into the crazy busy time at work with 9 field trips a week. (2 a day with the exception of 1 on Wednesday) I will be busy and the day will go quickly, but it is so crazy and disorganized and tiring! I love my job, and I don't think I could be a stay at home mom, but the older I get I wonder!