F-You FAS . . .

I am tired. Tired of dealing with the impulsivity. Tired of the constant chatter. Tired of the fight or flight responses. Tired of the dysregulation. Just. Plain. Tired.

Dustin is really having a difficult time that I have attributed to the fact that we are leaving for vacation in a few days. While he enjoys going on vacation, he does still have some issues with leaving home. He does not feel as safe as he does at home. Things are different, routines changed, he does not know exactly what to expect. This all makes for a crazy cocktail! It does help that we are staying in the same exact condo we did last year. He has asked me about 100 times if it is the same. I have assured him that it is the same place.

Regardless of if I know the reasons, it is still really, really, REALLY hard to deal with on a daily basis. I am not sure that those of you who do not have kids with FAS or with trauma issues can possibly understand how very big of a pain it truly is. Logic does not work, no amount of patience can prepare you for it. You just have to live through it.

Right now I am in a good place. Two days ago I was not sure I could take anymore. We have gone from the obsession with food, to the obsession with the animals to stealing anything and everything he can get his hands on in a mere 3 weeks. Typically these cycles can take 4-5 weeks to ebb and change, but they are on full speed ahead! I am just tired.

Two days ago we stood in the middle of our street with the special ed bus blocking traffic with the STOP arm hanging out while I emptied his coat pockets of food he had stuffed them with. It was not fun and the screaming coming from his mouth was definitely drew the attention of the neighbors. Keep in mind that he is now a full inch or two taller than me, and I am going through his pockets in the middle of the one way street at 8:30 in the morning. Ugh! I called the school and gave them a head's up about the incident thinking he would get off the bus in a foul mood, and the teacher told him I called which made him even more angry at me. I cannot win!

I hope that with all this happening now that we will have a wonderful vacation. He loves the beach and the water and I expect to be planting my butt in the chair in the sand for the week. He can walk up and down the shore with his net and try to catch fish in his bucket all his little heart desires. He will talk to himself and ignore everyone around him all day on the beach. He will chase the sea birds and swear he sees sharks and dolphins in the water. I no longer care that he looks like a "normal" 16 year old boy and seems completely nuts! I want him to enjoy himself. For the most part, he will tire himself out in the pool before dinner and he will eat and go straight to bed after some tv. The smaller kids will sleep at my mom's condo so I don't have to worry about him bothering them in the middle of the night. He doesn't mind them not being there because he will get all our attention. The next day, we will do it all again. I pray he does not run, and I hope he has a good time.

We sure could use one.