Friday, July 31, 2009

Happy f&#(*@ng birthday to me. . .

Okay, so I am pushing 40, officially 39 today. I am feeling terribly sorry for myself. Not about the age, I couldn't care less how old I am, but right now my life seems to be spiraling out of control.

Robert is down for the count. He has necrosis in the other hip (opposite the one from January) and from the looks of the MRI it is quite extensive. Dr. Arrogant says he has never seen anything like this. Transient osteoporosis doesn't typically repeat in an opposite joint. It doesn't typically repeat at all and certainly not in 6 months. He could have regional migratory osteoporosis, but Dr. Arrogant doesn't think so. We shall see. Anyway. he is on no weight bearing restriction indefinitely until it heals or the bone marrow weakens to the point of collapsing and he gets a new hip. Fun times. I am back to doing everything on top of the killer summer schedule and it sucks.

Dustin is also in a downward spiral of behaviors. He has been running out of the house. In true cyclical fashion it had only been into the backyard and into the doghouse until today. Today he ran outside to the front yard this afternoon. Tonight he took off at 10:00pm and was GONE. I waited 10 minutes. Hollered things like, "Honey, come home. No one is mad at you." and "Dustin, mommy is worried about you, come on home." When I wanted to scream "You better run and not come back or I will tan the dickens out of you!" Nothing worked. Caught a glimpse of him once around the block, but he saw me and ran down an unlit alley. I had to call the police. Sgt. Perturbed did not seem to think it was his business to search for him and seemed quite irritated at the fact that he had to. He was missing for over one hour altogether. One of my neighbors had seen him a couple times running around the block. At one point I saw a skinny person get in a car with 2 adults and I freaked out thinking it was Dustin. He was found hiding in my neighbors garage.

I feel like such a failure. I feel like there is nothing I can do to change this behavior. I hate that he runs from us. I hate that I cannot keep him safe. I am terrified that he will run into traffic or into someone's house of get into someone's car. I am fearful he will tell someone a whopping story and cause trouble for us. I hate that the police don't get it. I am scared and I am pissed and I hate it.

I am whiny.

I am feeling sorry for myself.

I am pissed off that his mother drank while pregnant.

I am 39.


Lisa said...

Happy birthday! I'm so hating things are so rough right now. You're most certainly not a failure.

FAScinated said...

Here's a sorry-your-birthday-sucks-but-wishing-you-brighter-days-soon Hug. And you are young, girl! I'm pushing 44!

NOBODY can do everything you are doing without help. Just having a PCA for Dustin would take an incredible load off your shoulders...and he would have someone 1:1 to help him be safe. It so easily could have been him getting in that car with strangers! Is there ANYTHING offered through the DD or Mental Health departments in your county?!

We're losing PCA services in MN soon for kids who can physically walk and brush their teeth but who need constant supervision because of behavioral needs. Once again I'm wishing that the brain was visible. I've heard that we may have the option of mental health behavioral aides after we lose PCA for kids with level one behaviors, but it's a new program and our state has a huge deficit. We'll see.

Let's start a FASD commune somewhere tucked away from the rest of the world and wrapped in razor wire to keep the little darlings safe. You could make all our clothing and knit cute little purses for all the girls, I could bake (and sing!), Mike could decorate the place with dead animal heads, Bart could make our meals while Claudia and your hubby talked politics and religion, Linda and Cindy could tend to the gardens.... sigh. Anyone know of a few hundred acres we could get cheap?!

I know it doesn't feel very happy but I am celebrating your birth today. You are a gift to us all, Sheri! I'm glad we met (and I'm looking forward to actually meeting in person someday!)

Blessings! ~Kari

Dia por Dia said...

Happy Birthday Sheri!
Nothing feels worse than when we feel so helpless with our kids. But you aren't a failure--you are smart, witty, talented, caring, and an awesome mom to your kiddos and what would do out here without you?

Tiruba said...

Happy effing birthday! (((HUGS)))

Miz Kizzle said...

I'm sorry that everything sees to be imploding for you.
What happened with the GPS bracelet you got for Dustin? They should make one that delivers increasingly, um, uncomfortable shocks until the little scamp returns to where he's supposed to be. But I guess that would be cruel.

King said...

I feel for Bob and you given his health issues. I've been going through a few myself lately and at makes you aware of your age, (in my case 51).

Since you've let politics take a rear seat, it's refreshing to look at a blog that talks about the tribulations of life and raising a FAS child, not to mention all the other stuff.

You're an inspiration when it comes to Dustin, and I look for updates most everyday to see how he's doing.

Just so you know who I am... remember the basketball hoop.

Oh, and happy birthday. Now, don't fall off your chair.

Sheri said...

Thanks King. I had a feeling I may know who you are. And we are still enjoying that hoop!

51 eh? Old timer.

zunzun said...

My computer caught some sort of bug so I'm been "off" these past few I'm late...Happy (very belated) Happy Birthday..I'm going to be joining you this month (my b-day...and I too am turning 39).

Lots of hugs...and you are most defintely not a failure!!!

Miz Kizzle said...

Have you considered putting something really scary in the doghouse without telling Dustin? Something like a big rubber snake or, better yet, a motion-activated gadget that sets off a loud alarm with flashing lights? It would freak him the hell out and stop him from running into the dog house. That is, of course, if the dog isn't using the house.