Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Is it ever gonna change . . . (or the one in which I curse alot)

Probably not.

Last night Dustin ran out of the house.


He was sitting on the couch with me while we prepared to watch Big Brother (I'm super addicted, even pay for the live feeds) I told him to go get his pills. He did. I proceeded to get his pill out and he ran toward the door. I said, "Dustin! I am not chasing you and I will not call the police again. If you walk out the door, you will be all alone."

Bad? Maybe. I have had enough. I am also getting concerned that if I continue to call the police and he is found hiding next door in the garage or in an abandoned house right nest to us, they will no longer think this is a big deal. I am afraid that if I continue to call when he runs out that when something really big happens they will simply take their sweet time and think we are crying wolf once again. (I have to wonder if this could have been the issue when the car hit the neighbors house and they thought it was no big deal. Do they track phone numbers or addresses?)

So he ran. Robert was gone, but thankfully when I called him he was on his way home. I kept getting glimpses of him running around the block. He was staying close. When it had been close to an hour and it was quite dark, I decided to go outside and call for him. At one point he came around a neighbors house and saw me and took off again. I was so angry at this point I could spit.

We have a pizza place that is literally in our back yard and one of the guys was standing out back. I asked him if he saw a boy and he said he did, he was hiding near the neighbor's garage and kept darting out. He was concerned someone would pull into the parking lot and hit him. As he was talking to me, the other employee came outside. He is a registered sex offender that I keep an eye on. That is when I began to cry. I lost it, right there in the parking lot.

That little shit (sorry, I have no patience for this anymore) heard me crying and still hid. The neighbor came home and asked if I checked his garage. I said I did and that I even went inside and checked the closets he uses for storage. He asked if I checked the back. I had no idea there was little cubbie-hole in the back, and lo-and-behold he was there, stuffed in a 2 foot space with gasoline and paint thinner surrounding him.

When I flung open the door he said, "Man! You scared the pants off me! I am really dizzy!" (the small space reaked of chemicals and I'd bet $50 he was dizzy!) In his world, the game was over and all was well.

Not so much for me. I think I am beginning to get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with his running away. I also think I am shutting down. I won't lie and say that I didn't think just briefly about what it would be like to put him in an institution somewhere due to the running. It is getting ridiculous. It is draining on us as parents and it is scary for the littles. It is wreaking havoc in our neighborhood and for yet another reason we are being dubbed as "those people".

Is it ever gonna change? Probably not. Over at The Missing Piece today the author was talking about her child lying. I hate to be a "Debbie-downer" but if that child has FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) you betch 'yer sweet ass that child will continue to lie. It is miss-wiring. She talked about lying over things that were not even asked of her and thngs that really didn't make a difference. Yep. Gotcha. Mine too. Chalk it up to failure to equate cause and effect, or grasp consequences, due to prenatal alcohol exposure. (Truthfully I don't even remember if her child has been diagnosed with FAS, so maybe I am just talking out my ear) Am I saying you don't combat the lying. Nope. I am saying you try "everything and a bag of nickels" to try to get it through the damaged brain that lying is not only unacceptable but wrong HOPING BEYOND HOPE that something clicks in their heads. But, you realistically understand this may be something that is beyond their grasp. This is something that may hang on forever. Maybe that is where we are with the running. I can do everything in my ability right and it still may never click that runnign away is wrong. There may be nothing I can do to change it, but I will still damn-well try, what choice do I have?

What makes me sad is last night, if I am honest with myself, I would've liked to just not have tried. I would've liked to lock the door and say, "To hell with him, he'll come back". The fact that those thougths crossed me mind makes me sick to my stomach. (You need to remember that while he looks 14 and may seem to the normal eye like a typical kid, he is really a 3 year old in that body, so just forgetting it and letting him run would be crazy talk!)


Cupcake Mama said...


As scary as it is, you can't change it. It's frustrating to hear and I feel like a shit for saying it.

I know exactly what your feeling. Not because I have a kid who runs...but because of my Hubbins.

I get sick to my stomach whenever something goes wrong or starts to be wrong with him. I can't take the thought of it anymore. Of him dying or ending up in the hospital. I have no one to help me with the kids. No one to step in if this happens. It scares me so bad that I just don't want to deal. Up until very recently, I wouldn't even look at Hubbins and did my best to stay away from him because something always seems to be wrong with him.

I shut down. I was thinking I had PTSD too. I tried to talk to him about it but he says I just think the world is against me.

At any rate, I figured out my problem was I feel responsible for keeping him alive. If something happens to him, I'm accountable to his family for it (aren't I?) They hate me and blame me for Hubbins wanting to have a life away from them. The idea of having to tell them he's dead is too much for me.

I told him either he set up someone else I can notify and they notify the family or something because I am not dealing with them. (If you think you're a monster, I actually said maybe I would FB it and let them know that way...long story, his sister friended me and like a naive dumb ass I accepted and apparently she didn't have "friendly" intentions...meh)

I know I am jumping all over the place... but what it boils down to is that I'm doing the best I can and I can't change any of what happens no matter what.

I think it's the same thing with Dustin. You can't handcuff him to the bed or endanger the rest of your family keeping the house on lockdown.

You can only do what you can do. You're only human. I didn't make Hubbins a quad and you didn't make Dustin FASD. We signed up to this with the best intentions and to do the best we could do, but sometimes, nights like last night ARE the best we can do.

It doesn't make us bad. It makes us human. I'm afraid some day I will have to make the same choice as you might...whether it's better for Hubbins to be in a facility where he can get the care he needs.

If I do, I'm going to have to realize that it's not my fault and I did what I could and no matter how much it hurts or may feel like I am is right...You know?

Anyhow... I was thinking, and I know this is long enough already (sorry!). If he is mentally 3...what if you made rules to the game. Maybe one of two things could happen... if you allow the game (with rules), the game will get boring...or if you have rules... "we can play hide n seek inside only, or we can play only in the backyard". Maybe if you told him the game had to be played when people wanted to and that he had to ask before and see if others could play? Or maybe if the littles played too (within rules, sort of like modeling it?) then if it were for attention, he wouldn't get what he wanted out of it because it wouldn't just be about him anymore. You can keep expanding on these ideas because you know him best. I don't know if reverse psychology would work, like making him play the game, etc...

I hope I am making sense. What do you think?

Hang in there, you are a good mother. *hugs*

FosterAbba said...

What happened to that cool locator watch you had in the past? Maybe you should just make Dustin wear it 24/7.

Sorry you are having so many troubles.

zunzun said...

Don't berate yourself for those thoughts...we get there because we are taken there...none of this stuff is the norm. I don't deal w/ half of that and yet feel like I'm contantly hitting my head against a wall hoping the wall doesn't.

I go through stages...

I fall apart (ugly thoughts, desperation, why me, etc.)
I gripe, complain, vent, etc.,
I realize that giving up is not an option for us
I put my thinking hat on...come up with a plan (usually read books or try different methods...I'm currently doing a combination of that Difficult Child thing and Yondalla's no punishing approach...but honestly...this is like attempt #5999)
I see plan work for five minutes...
I see plan not working at all
I get to still deal w/ the behaviors that set off the falling apart.
I get frustrated, contemplate leaving the country, and proceed to fall apart (all internal of course...since we don't have the luxury of having nervous breakdowns!LOL)

I repeat, repeat, repeat and hope that at the end it all makes a difference.

I, of course, don't have to deal w/ the extremes you deal w/ so I can't say I fully understand but I do understand the desperation and frustration...hang in there.

I have done some versions of giving up (like the lying...just accepted it otherwise I would have gone insane) that have worked for us (I no longer go bonkers over her spending four hours to do 20 math hyperbole here - have put the onus of homework responsibility on her shoulders after years of battles knowing that I'm risking bad grades...but I can't fight every battle...she'll have to find her own way later) - I guess I wanted to say that giving up (so to speak) sometimes does work (at least it has kept me sane).

My only concern though is that you might end up facing charges for not calling the check into that for your state. might need a record of it happening and police reports are good for that if this gets worse (sorry...don't want to go there w/ you already feeling crappy) and you need to show proof to medical help.

Sorry...I'm rambling...just wanted to give you a hug really...and if I lived closer I'd show up w/ some crazy hair dye and a pint of ice-cream!

Miz Kizzle said...

I don't look down on you for feeling that way. I'd want to lock the door behind him, too.
Is there any place in your house or your garage where he could get the impression that he's not supposed to go? I'm thinking of a cubbyhole under the stairs or something where you could tell your husband (pretending that you don't know that D. is listening) that you hope Dustin never goes and hides in there? If you could plant the idea that it's a forbidden place and you'd never think to look for him there and so on he might go for it. Than you'd know where he is and he'd have the fun of thinking he's putting one over on you.

King said...

Sorry for your troubles. I featured that sex offender in March of 2008 on my site. After reading this, I decided to do it again.

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

I am so glad Genea has not thought of running from the house yet. In public she has tried, but not from home.

On the other subject of your post, LOVE Big Brother! This season has got to be the best ever for lunatic freak show contestants. I am totally rooting for Jeff, then Michelle. I love how Michelle can flip, flop and roll over everyone but at the end, the males who do that win big and the women who do that get blasted. I really liked Chima but obviously there were issues there. I despise Kevin, and Natalie makes me want to listen to nails on a chalkboard for relief. I am glad Lydia is gone. I liked Jesse because he was just interesting to watch, smarter I think than he let on.

A said...

I wish I could hug you.

I have had those same feelings and haven't even been doing this as long as you.

I understand. You're not alone.

Jo said...

Aw hon. I am so sorry. I don't know what I would do, if I were in your shoes. You and I, we deal with a lot of the same stuff, with the lies and what not, but NOT the running away. Terrifying, when you have a kid who is so clueless. Prayers and sympathy.