Beat down . . .

Right now I am feeling beat down. I am so tired of constantly supervising Dustin that I cannot even tell you. We get no assistance, no PCA's, no respite, nothing. I am so tired of being on high alert and constant vigilance. He cannot be out of our sight for more than 2 seconds without causing an issue with the other kids or animals. He is absolutely unable to control himself in any way shape or form. And to top it all off I can tell he is moving into the "run away" stage. It started last weekend with this glint in his eye and him stepping in the other direction when you called him, just threatening him with his eyes for us to chase him. He did run into the large doghouse last weekend from me, and I got the "Gopher" to grab his ankle and drag him out since I cannot reach the back corner (yes it is that big). It shocked him and it worked, he hasn't tried running since, but I know it is short lived. I would kill for a babysitter that could handle him. This weekend Robert and I are supposed to go to a party and my mom is supposed to watch the kids, but if he is this off, that may not happen. I soooooo need a break. I could just cry.

My mechanical life is not helping in any way shape or form either. First it was the A/C in the van which ruined our possibility for a vacation, then the refrigerator which we will pay off later. Our houses needs a fairly large repair as well, and to be quite honest I am afraid to call a repair guy. When we chose to keep Dustin we knew one of us would not be able to work, we knew it would be a sacrifice, but money issues do not help in the stress department . . . And get this, I am up for a raise at work and it would help a little, but I could lose my insurance from the small pay increase, being poor sucks.

I have a sore throat and the glands in my neck are so swollen it hurts to move my head from side to side. That is probably the real reason for my rant, I feel so terribly bad. But here I am at work, because my summer is so busy. All you faithful readers will recall I do 9 fieldtrips a week. One each afternoon and one every morning with the exception of Wednesday. When I cannot come, groups miss their trips and no one wants to ruin the kid's day. So here I am . . . And as long as I am whining, I will tell you that I am having issues with the girly bits and have to have a procedure done that does not sound fun. I hope that is part of the funk I am in and once it is over I will be back to myself.

I am just tired and whiny and I am sorry you all have to "hear" this. Parenting special needs kids is hard. It takes a toll on your health, your sleep and your marriage. Some times we lose it. I am just done right now, I will be fine later. Thankfully Robert and I don't ever lose it at the same time. Thankfully I have you to whine too.

Aren't you lucky?