Regret . . .

Here is some true honesty, if you don't wanna hear it run away now. . .

Sometimes I think about regret. Do I regret having adopted Dustin? Not in the least. I love him beyond words. There are sometimes that it pains me to be near him or I am so angry at him I don't want to look at him, but I don't regret adopting him.

He is frustrating the heck out of me right now. He is struggling with his school routine being uprooted for break and he asks "When are we gonna open more presents?" about 37 times a day. He cannot cope with the change and the excitement of the holidays. He will not leave the littles alone. He picks at them, torments them and thinks he is in charge of their every move. It drives them to yelling and me to tears. It probably didn't help that I had a 5 day weekend and so the kids were home during that time also.

I guess if you asked me about regret I would say that I regret that the little ones do have to put up with his behaviors. I regret that we as parents signed them up for this. We made the choice and it effects them. I worry that they will not have a "normal" childhood, then I wonder what is "normal" anyway. When I sit and think about it rationally I can see that they are much more tolerant of differences in kids from living with Dustin. I read Kari's blog and see that she is a more patient mom having grown up with siblings that were from special needs adoptions and her grown home-made children seem fabulous with her adopted kids with special needs. Then I read Cindy's blog and see that she has many successes and has to live through many failures as well. So, something must work. . . sometimes. . . eventually.

Right now we have a 5 year old and a 6 year old. Since Dustin is at about a 4-6 year old level, it is like we have 3 needy triplets. Harrison is terribly bright and can keep himself busy, but he likes to always show you his game, read you a book, have you come look at the computer game he is playing, and help him with this or that. McCartney is very clingy and always wants to be at my side. Stuck to me. On my legs, my lap, my shoulders. She is quite afraid to be alone, and will no longer play in the upstairs playroom without someone with her. Dustin needs CONSTANT line of sight supervision. It becomes quite tiring. The three of them wear me out.

I do not regret having Dustin in my life. I do regret his disorder. I wish far better for him than I fee like I can provide most days. I regret that I am not a better parent, mother, spouse. I regret being ME most days. Logically I know I am doing the best job I can, but emotionally I feel like an utter failure. I love my kids, I want the best or them, and I always feel like I an ruining them. Is that normal? Who knows. But it is my normal.