At my limit . . .

I am at my limit today. Yesterday I spent the day helping mom and stepdad trim the bushes at their two duplex rentals. I worked my tail off for about 6 hours. I am beat. This morning Dustin was in rare form early. I kept telling him to lay back down and rest some more. He refused. I caught him up several times and sent him back to bed. (He CANNOT be left unsupervised, so being up without a parent is absolutely NOT an option.) I caught him up one more time and decided it was time for me to get up. As soon as I walked out of my room, he thought he was in trouble and ran down the stairs and out the front door.

I got dressed in a hurry and headed out the door as well. He was standing one block away in his pajamas hollering at me. As soon as he saw me he took off running down the block. My first instinct is always to not chase him and give him a minute to come back. But for those of you who do not live with FAS have no idea how very impulsive these kids are. When he runs he doesn't look both ways to cross streets, he looks for front doors that are open to run into and he takes off through back yards to the alley. You see our neighborhood has a cross street every block and the main street tends to have speeders. I am always afraid if I don't follow him that he will get taken by someone, ran over or killed. So I ran inside to get my keys. I usually chase him on foot, but I thought maybe I'd scare him this time by getting in the van. I was desperate.

I got in the van and he did initially hesitate, shocked to see me in the van. But it didn't last and he took off through a backyard. I told him that I would have to call the police if I lost sight of him and he came back to the main sidewalk. But that was short lived as well and he took off again. I bluffed and told him I was going home and I expected him to come back in 2 minutes. I did actually drive around the bloc k and back home, but he was not fooled. He continued to stand on the sidewalk hollering about how horrible I was. I was seeing red by this point and got back into the van, went down the block, parked and grabbed him before his shocked little face could even register that I was so flaming mad!

I am beyond done. I cannot do this all fall. This is traditionally a BAD time of year for Dustin and it has lasted through the new year and I just don;t think I have it in me to do this for that long. I am defeated and down-hearted right now. I feel like i have been run over by a tractor and smashed into the ground. I hate looking at my child and seeing red. I hate looking at my child and knowing there is NOTHING I can do to make this better in a timely fashion. I hate the whining and the crying and the defiance. I hate this disorder. I hate his mother for drinking while he was supposed to be safe and warm inside of her. I am sorry, but I do. I hate this right now and I hate myself for hating her.

You may now return to your scheduled programming . . .