Worst mother ever . . .

Today I feel like the world mother ever. Those of you without children who require constant in-line supervision have no idea how tiring it is. I am done. Check me out. I'd love to pack my children up and send them to grandma in Florida. I am frustrated, tired, disheartened ad stressed.

Dustin's behavior has escalated recently. He has begun to do anything and everything we have asked him not to, but he has also refused to do anything he is asked. He used to be able to help me put away laundry, in fact he loved to help in that way. Recently he has begun to just run up the stairs and throw the clothing on the floor, telling me it was done and asking for more, apparently wanting to contribute to the pile. The defiance pee-ing I blogged about earlier has increased and he can no longer go to the bathroom without supervision. He has found that he can make us crazy by telling us he has to go to the bathroom ALL THE TIME so we have to get up and escort him to the bathroom every 15 minutes or so. He escalates from I have to go the bathroom to I'm gonna pee myself in about 35 seconds. He knows it gets a response, so it continues but if I let him go on his own he pees randomly in the tub, the shower or God forbid the sink. * He whines about being starving. makes food and then throws it away saying he is not hungry. The defiance has gone off the charts. We have also added this noisemaking thing too. He claps all the time, bangs on things, makes noises with his mouth, and my favorite, moves his feet quickly back and forth on the carpet to make noise.

I cannot deal with it anymore. My limit has been reached. I am done. Please God can we over medicate him for a break? See I told you I am horrible. I could use respite like you couldn't imagine, but those services are not available here and I would kill for a PCA.

Things have been far worse. He rarely throws fits that require restraint anymore. He hasn't been screaming so the neighbors call the police in a very long time. He is not hallucinating. He has not threatened us or anyone else with bodily harm in over a year. School has not called and told us he is suspended this entire year. He has not awoken in the middle of night for months and he has not stayed awake for days on end since late 2006. Things have most definitely been worse. I suppose it's all relative. I should be thankful he is doing so well (I actually typed that with clenched teeth)but I really can't deal with much more right now. I need to remember how far we have come, and not stress over the daily crap.

I hate FAS.

I hate defiance.

I hate being an awful mother.

Tomorrow I will feel better. Tomorrow will provide a new day. Tomorrow will mean I get to work and spend 8 hours away from him! LOL

*as I was typing this blog he kept telling me he had to go to the bathroom, I ignored him because he went less than 20 minutes ago. I ignored and ignored and he pee'd on my living room floor. ARGH!