Anxiety . . .

I have OCD. I self-medicated myself and took 2 pills today. I probably won't make a bit of difference for real, but it helps me cope. Dustin has a med review today and we have been counting down the days. He is exteremely impulsive and been a true pain in the arse lately. I want medication changed, but I fear the unknown.

We usually know when the meds aren't working other than simply behavior issues because he is in what I call "internal turmoil". He can't make up his mind. Here's how it goes :

He will ask for a pop-tart.
We say, "of course. Go make one"
He will scream "I don't want a stupid pop-tart."
We reply, "Okay, you don't have to eat one if you don't want."
He jumps up and down, screaming "BUT I WANT A POP-TART! You are starving me, you want me to die!"

I am certain that the neighbors think we are crazy. They certainly get tired of hearing him holler and curse and throw things. Lately he has been running from the house hollering, "I don't want to live here, you hate me!" I end up running down the street chasing him. Nice. Oddly enough Robert and I have been totally and completely calm throughout these rages lately. We know he is not doing them to be bratty. He has no concept of what is going on in his body. The next minute he can be calm and loving and totally forget all the trauma he just caused in the house and the nieghborhood. It's not easy. It's frustrating and makes me angry.

I've said it before and I will continue to say it . . . His mother was selfish. Drinking during pregnancy has ruined my son's life. I believe she took the life he could've had from him just as if she had aborted him. This is not the life he was meant to live, but I will make sure he is healthy, safe and as happy as I can make him! I love you Dustin!