Ain't That Sherific?

In line supervision . . .

2012-01-25T07:30:00.000-08:00

I write here often that Dustin is on constant supervision or I sometimes call it In-line supervision. I am not sure that everyone quite understands what that means. Let me tell you what that is like for us and why that has to be the case.

Dustin has not impulse control issues. He also lacks object permanence. He cannot connect cause and effect and struggles with empathy. His issues with attachment also causes him to act out in ways that can be a danger to himself, others and animals. His flight or fight response is always on high alert and he tends to take off or lash out. All those things combined make for a child who cannot make good choices and his need for an "external brain" to help guide him in those decisions is very important.

Dustin ahs to always be within 3 feet of us or less. If he goes to the bathroom, we go with him. I stand in the kitchen waiting for him to be done, or at the end of the stairs. If he needs a drink, I go with him to the kitchen or I make sure that one of us can see him. If I am cooking dinner, he is sitting on his stool or helping. If the littles are not home, he is sitting at the table next to Robert playing his Nintendo or he is 3 foot from us in the kid's TV area watching television. When he is in his room, there door is always shut and his door alarm is on so we know if he leaves the room. He has to be able to be seen at all times. If he is particularly ramped up he has to be within arm's reach in case he decides to bolt toward the door.

Even with this type of supervision proximity is not enough. I cannot tell you how many times a night he is sitting with us watching television in the living room, and he makes a poor choice and tries to hit the dog RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Or I catch him out of the corner of my eye watching me while he tries to scoot across the floor to take my scissors off the coffee table to cut up his pajamas or try to cut the cat's tail. Those are the time when he has to move to come sit on the couch right next to me. While sitting there, within inches of my leg, he will STILL try to smack the dog, or kick the kids as they walk by. When I tell him to stop, he says, "I didn't do anything." It is absolutely frustrating! Supervision is not enough, constant vigilance is necessary to keep everyone safe.

So what other reasons make it necessary to keep this tight a rein on him? He has gone to the bathroom upstairs unsupervised and intentionally shoved a rag down the drain of the sink and turned on teh water to make it rain in my dining room. He likes to pee in places that should not hold pee like the shower, the corners of the kid's bedrooms, the sinks, drawers, toy cubbies, etc. He LOVES to pick the plaster off the walls of my very old house and make holes big enough that you can drive a truck though. He hides things that he can use as weapons like : thumbtacks, paperclips, screws, nails, etc. He takes other people's belongings like watches, game cartridges, stuffed animals, pencils, etc. I am afraid he will hurt himself or others or leave the home without anyone knowing. He has some issues with showing parts of his body that should not be shown to others.

Thankfully most of these issues have not happened in a long time. Why? Because he is constantly watched! I have him make sweeps of his room and throw away trash from his food hoarding and clepto ways that he somehow still gets past us (usually tucked in his underwear - ick!). He is simply asked to return it to it's place or to the trash as necessary. I know this is a product of his trauma and we deal with it on an unemotional level.

We do our best to make him feel safe and happy while we are keeping everyone else safe and happy as well. I am not certain he would be able to be in a home without the level of supervision we use. Yes! It is tiring, and it wears on us all, but it is necessary to allow him to live in a family. As my children get older they have begun to help with the supervision. I have struggled with that as I don't want them to feel as though they need to be a "warden" and I don't want him to think they are in charge of him. We have worked hard to strike a balance. I told my daughter the other day that I could do it when she offered to take him toward he bathroom. She said, "It's ok mommy. I am helping you." I told her she was not in charge and she said, "Dustin is it ok if I help you? Mommy could use a break and I know you need some help to be safe." He agreed and I was ok with her understanding of the situation. And he was okay with it too.

The life I lead is not NORMAL, but I don't regret what we are doing.

Daily . . .

2012-01-25T06:25:00.000-08:00

My blogging has slacked lately and I need to get back on the train in order to keep myself sane.

Life at our home is chaotic right now. Dustin is absolutely bonkers. As his birthday looms and the nasty weather keeps changing, it gets worse and worse. He does not do well with change. He likes his routine. Winter is supposed to be snow and we have had one crazy winter this year. It messes with his head. He is confused and confusion makes him angry. Not a good combo! On a good note, it has either been snowing or really wet from all the rain and melting snow so he has not rain out of the house is a few weeks (you know I just jinxed myself right?) so that is a plus. He did go out into the backyard and sit in the mud in his underwear a couple weeks ago. Good times.

My foot is still massively jacked up. I am 27 weeks post accident and am dealing with a torn tendon on the inside of my ankle. I am back in a boot. Boo. I do not want to have tendon repair surgery so I am trying to baby it and I have had a custom orthotic made. Hopefully when that is done, it will help with the support that will allow the ankle to heal properly. One stupid move, and 7 months later I am still in pain. Ugh.

The littles are doing well. School will always be super easy for one and somewhat of a challenge for the other. I fear for my baby girl as she will always live in the shadow of her brother. It does not help that she has also had his former teachers so she is really held to his standards. She is doing well, just not on his level and her behavior is MUCH different. It breaks my heart that she realizes this and it makes her sad. I have been trying really hard to make sure she realizes she is a wonderful, kind and special child in her own way. Dustin's behavior also tends to stress her out more and she is very troubled that he is not typical. I ache for her. She has begun saying things like, "I don't like myself." I am hoping she learns quickly to love herself and that being different is not only okay, but better than being like everyone else!

I have only a short time until I leave for Orlando to meet up with other Trauma Mamas and revel in 4 days without our children to meet with women who GET IT in ways that others cannot. I also have a short 3 weeks until I get to love on a Soul Sister who is traveling to Indianapolis and we are making a weekend of it with our kiddos! Life is good, even when it stinks!

Parenting . . .

2012-01-24T07:44:00.001-08:00

Parenting styles differ with every personality and people's own experience. I understand we all differ in what we find acceptable and comfortable in regards to parenting our kids. In the community I am in with kids who were traumatized in their early life either through abuse, neglect, organic brain damage or many caregivers through the foster care system, it varies even more. Each child brings their own issues and baggage that has us parents searching high an low for a parenting strategy that fits and works for our child and their many issues. Therapeutic Parenting is a process that helps kids grown and reach their potential while still allowing for attachment and safety to grow.

I am well aware that my opinions are just that. I understand that what I have to say may not work for you. The reason I decided to stick with blogging is that I felt a wonderful connection to people who had differing opinions than I do and offered those opinions and skill sets to me in comments and personal emails. While I may not have always agreed, I took those comments and sometimes changed my view of certain things. There have been times when I have recalled a comment many months later and given it a second thought and changed how I did something. Other times, I can file them away under the "not going to happen" file. I have always been one of the opinion that people who share their life on the Internet cannot get twisted out of shape when others offer an example of how they view things of the same nature in their own world.

I try my best to parent my kids with compassion, love, gentleness and kindness. But my husband and I am also the boss. I believe that offering my children, both bio kids and my child from trauma, the safety of knowing that I am the one in charge and will make decisions according to that premise, I am offering them peace. My son who was adopted never really had anyone who was in charge and cared about his well being. He often did not have food and his basic needs were not met. He was also abused. There are those that think that in order for him to attach to me that I should allow him to make many of his own choices and not push him too greatly when it comes to certain things. I could allow him to act like a 4 year old since he really wasn't afforded that as a 4 year old. And to some extent we do. He enjoys shows on TV that geared to a much younger audience. He enjoys playing with children much younger than himself. He makes lots of decisions when it comes to food, clothing etc. But I am the one ultimately in control. If I feel he is acting too young and has the potential to change that I tell him so. If I think his behavior is something that will get made fun of in the grocery store, I tell him to knock it off. If he does not want to do something and I feel he should, I push the issue. If he says, "I don't want to go upstairs because I need to be near you, I love you." I tell him "I love you too, but it is time to put your laundry away. You don't need to always be near me in order to feel my love." It would be easy to play into him and allow him to stay with me, or go with him upstairs, but I believe that is teaching him to continue to think my love is only there when he is near me. It feeds that need to be physically close to feel attachment. It would also become something he uses to get away with not doing his chore. It becomes manipulation.

It is similar to the process we go through when he has to change his sheets. He struggles with the fitted sheet. I know he can do it. I know it is a struggle. It always go the same way. He tries and quits after 10 seconds. He says, "I can't do it." I say, "Yes you can, you have to take your time and give it a try." He tries again and stops in 10 seconds. "Mom, I can't. Will you help me." I say, "Dustin, I could do it for you, but I have faith that you can do this if you give it time. What will you do when you live in your own apartment?" He tries again and this time takes his time and does not give up. In about half a minute the sheet is on and he is proud of himself! Could I have helped? Sure! It may have been easy to do it and convince myself that I am doing it to show I love him and Mom's help their kids. I could convince myself that it would help him attach to me because he would know that I will help him with anything. In my opinion I AM doing that by showing him he is capable, I have faith in him AND I am preparing him for his future. And for me, the most important thing is that I am not being manipulated! Are there days when I will do it for him. Sure. There have been times where he says, "Mom, I have tried 4 times and I am frustrated, can you please help." You bet I will. That's what moms do.

There are things in our life that are not negotiable. He takes his pills. He does not get to choose what medications he takes and whether he takes them or not. That is not his to decide. He will do whatever a doctor feels necessary. He may not like getting blood work or peeing in a cup, but it is part of life. At one point, it was absolutely imperative that he get a rectal exam after an illness several years ago. I knew it would play on his early trauma of abuse. I knew it would be a difficult issue. But it was necessary. We talked about it. I prepared him. The doctor prepared him. We told him we understood it was uncomfortable, but it was necessary. I would've been much easier for him and me if I had refused. But the information we received we pertinent to his care. Did he like it? No. But, he learned some things are just necessary. (and, say it with me, he could not manipulate his way out of it)

Why is the manipulation thing so important for me? Kids that come from backgrounds like my son did whether it be in an abusive home, multiple foster care placements, or group homes and residential treatment facilities, learn that manipulation is one of the only things they can control. It becomes not only a way of life for them, but their go-to reaction for every situation. By me curbing that it allows him to relax and stop trying to change everyone. He can rest in the knowledge that I have his best interest at heart and I will be the one making certain decisions for him like no one else has. In my opinion this allows for more growth and less drama.

Once again, just my opinion . . . and Lord knows, I could be wrong. :)

Medication and Healing . . .

2012-01-20T05:41:00.000-08:00

This is an oldie but a goodie . . . I thought it was a good day to repeat it.

While I would agree that far too many Americans are on medications for mental health issues I think that, as one of those "using" I am thankful for them.

There are a couple different issues here. Let's talk about kids like Dustin. Dustin's issues go beyond "traumatized kid". They are stemming from organic brain damage caused in-utero by alcohol consumed by his mother. We are also dealing with mental illness that has been passed through his birth family. Schizophrenia is nothing to scoff at. Both his Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and his Schizophrenia make him a danger to himself or those around him when un-medicated. It is fairly safe to say that people would not argue with giving psychotropic meds to a child like this. That's not to say that we do not have to be careful and walk a fine line between safe amounts of medication and drooling, overmedicated zombie. Dustin in particular is VERY VERY sensitive to med changes and dosages. He suffers from a particularly dangerous reaction to higher doses of theses meds calle EPS. It can be life threatening and is NOT fun to witness and sometimes hard for professionals to diagnose.

Whenever Dustin is placed on a new medication I ask these questions:

1. What is it used for?
2. What positive results should I be looking for?
3. What negative results should I be looking for?
4. How long before I should see a change? When should I call you if I don't see a change?
5. How long does it take for the medication to get out of his system?

The last 2 I find particularly important since I need to know if a medication should begin working right away, or if it will take 3 weeks before I see the wanted results. That way, I can see if this medication will be effective or a dud. For instance, medications like Adderall are "in and out" in one day, where Zoloft may take 3-4 weeks before you see if it is effective. I also like the last question, so that I know if the medication has a half-life in his body. That one is particularly important for me since he typically has EPS reactions to medications. I need to know how long after he stops taking it will it still be affecting him.

The other issue is kids like my youngest son Harrison. Harrison is 8 years old and brilliant. This child was talking in full sentences at one year old, and reading words at three. He was reading for comprehension and enjoyment by four. When he was a kindergartner, he really started struggling with keeping his body still at school. He didn't look at you when you were talking, yet he could tell you everything you said. He was full of energy and was ALWAYS moving. I chalked most of it up to immaturity, because he was young for his grade and he had always been a little extra emotional. He started getting frustrated about not being successful in the social and behavioral aspect of school. He began getting very emotional about it. We started him on meds for ADHD. It made him a wonderful student in ALL ways. It has given him his self esteem back. It has been a blessing. Could he have lived without this medication? Sure. But he would not be the happy kid that he is now. He would not have the friends or the self confidence he does now. He would be "that" kid in the classroom. We have him on a fairly low dose and I do not think it is effecting him negatively. I think of it as giving him tools to be productive and the ability to restrain himself. Perhaps he can learn this on his own later after he masters how to calm his own body down, perhaps not.

Then we have the issue of my medication. My OCD went undiagnosed until I was 28 and married. I am so very thankful for the meds that helped me get that part of my personality under control and allow me to live my life to the fullest. I could survive with and OCD diagnosis and not have medication, but I would not be "free" to have the life I have now. I would be a slave to the compulsions and the obsessions.

I know that not all meds prescribed by doctor's are necessary, but wow, who am I to judge whether or not a drug could be helpful to someone. Would anyone ever begrudge a diabetic their insulin? Or a heart patient their blood thinner? It would be a no brainer. That medication is needed for them to live! Why are psychotropic drugs looked at as options by so many people instead of necessities?

And don't even get me started on people who say things like, "If your depressed, don't count on medication to help you, you just need to rest in God." Please! I have no issue with the power of prayer, but when we are dealing with a chemical imbalance, medication can help. Most of those people would never say to a cancer patient, "If you have cancer, don't do chemo, you just need to pray more."

Life is hard. Our world moves faster and faster each year. We strive to be better people, to make more money, to provide for our children. We struggle to keep up the pace and to not get weary. Marriage is difficult. So many of us are raising kids with issues. Our lives are spinning out of control in our fast paced world. In my opinion, it is okay to acknowledge our faults and our issues and treat them just as we would an illness. I don't see the harm in that.

Perhaps it is because I have lived it. I can see the danger or not medicating children with difficult issues. I have lived as that child trapped inside my own struggles with OCD and am now living virtually free of those chains as an adult. I have seen both sides. I can see the benefit and, gosh darn it, if I can help my child live a better life I will!

Let me fill you in quickly on my beliefs. I believe that Jesus is the son of God. I believe that he was crucified and rose again to save me. I believe that it is my responsibility as a Christian to follow his teachings. I believe that I am not infallible. I sin daily. I ask for forgiveness when mistakes are made and try the next day to do better. I believe God is a God of healing. I believe I will go to heaven when I die. That's it in a nutshell.

In addition to that I believe God is a God of peace. I believe he tells us to love others. I believe we are supposed to show people love and understanding and have tolerance. I believe that people have free will and while I may not agree with their decisions, I cannot judge them for making them. I believe that they will not consider my view on things if I choose intolerance. It is my job to be the hands and feet of Jesus on Earth with kindness, charity, benevolence and love being of supreme importance. I also believe that God knows what is best for me. I believe that things are done in His timing and because He knows the big picture, it's always best. I believe it's not my job to question that.

All that being said, I would love for Dustin to be healed. I have no idea if that is in the cards or not, but I don't pray for that. He was born with organic brain damage. I don't look at him like he is ill. I see him for who he is and who God allowed him to be. I accept him and his disability. Do I pray that he will get better, yes! But I never have prayed that the FAS goes away in the same way I have never prayed that Harrison's ADD goes away. Could God do that? I believe he could. Does that mean I don't have faith that he will do it for Dustin? I don't think so. God doesn't need me to heal him if he wishes.

I have faith that our life will get easier. I have faith that things will work out. I have faith that while I continue to trust daily in God that life will go easier than if I didn't. I rely on therapy, medication, kind thoughtful doctors, and lots and lots of patience. I pray for guidance and direction. I pray for peaceful spirits and a hedge of protection around my family.

Does that make me less of a Christian. I don't think so. I think God gives us things like therapy and medication to facilitate what he has for us. I think refusing psychiatric medication, chucking away therapy and simply relying on God to fix things is just as dangerous as those religious zealots who refuse medical treatment for illnesses.

On a cleaner note . . .

2012-01-08T09:38:00.001-08:00

About a year or so ago, I decided to try a dry version of homemade laundry soap. I was intimidated by the liquid versions that made 10 gallons at a time. That is quite a commitment, and I have a very small laundry room, so finding space for 10 gallons of soap gave me the hives!

I liked the dry version. It was a bar of Fels Naptha soap, a half box of Arm and Hammer Super Washing Soda and a half box of Borax. Sometimes I added a dry bleach alternative because I found that my whites got pretty dingy.

A bit ago, Jayme over at Tale from the Coop Keeper, shared her liquid laundry soap recipe that did not make enough to drown a cow. I tried it and we LOVE it. I think her observation is correct, while the dry version work ok, I don't think that the washer water will ever get hot enough to melt the Fels Naptha well enough to clean the clothes. This is her tutorial on how to make her recipe, seriously, you will not be sorry.

When I made my liquid batch I still have a bit of the dry version left. I have been using it for cleaning sinks, toilets, tubs and showers. It works great as a replacement for a scouring powder. It is abrasive but gentle. Today, for instance, I scrubbed my stand-up shower that was seriously covered in soap scum and hard water stains. I sprayed the stall down with a strong vinegar and water solution and then took a wet rag, dipped it in the dry mixture and scrubbed. I oculd not believe how fast the scummy, filmy stuff came off. The entire stall (that had not been cleaned in am embarrassing amount time) only took me less than 5 minutes to clean and that is with a bum leg! A quick spray with the shower head and it is sparkly and ready for stinky, dirty kids to mess it up again!

Controversial . . .

2012-01-05T17:02:00.000-08:00

I have not been very controversial here for some time. I have given up on the political talk here because it is just not worth the hassle. This is probably not the one thing to jump back on the controversial bandwagon, and honestly it may not be very well written, but I feel like I need to get some of this stuff out of my head, so here goes . . .

I live in the town that dear little Aliahna Lemmon was murdered in. I heard about her being missing just before leaving for church on Christmas Eve. I was disheartened and worried like any normal person would be. It tugged at my heart that this child was missing during the holidays and it wore on me the entire Holiday weekend. When it was finally found that she was murdered by a family friend I was sickened. Even before we heard all the gruesome details, I was sickened that this child's life was taken from her. I of course hugged my kids a bit tighter and gave them many more kisses that weekend.

Within a very short time people were not just horrified that this ~~man~~ monster had done this, but they began saying that the family was to blame. Almost immediately people began to point fingers at the mother for allowing her children to be watched by this man, for living in this trailer park that housed 15 sex offenders, for not taking care of her kids during her flu, on and on and on. When did we as a society become so very judgmental? When did we stop feeling empathy for the victims families and start immediately digging for dirt on them?

I will not argue here about the family and the choices they made. I will not argue if they are guilty of putting her in harms way. I will not purpose to know anything about that situation as I do not live in that woman's shoes. She does, and I would hate to be in those shoes tonight as she sits through her daughter's memorial service. Is she blameless, probably not. But I am not the justice system. I could have very well been the one to make those terrible mistakes. I would hate for someone to be searching the internet for all my known associates, their associates and all my family members looking for the very bad seeds. I am certain there may be a few spoiled ones in my bunch as well.

I am also not going to judge the ones looking for these things. This is the day and age of media. You can do whatever you want. If indeed there was some issue and someone needs to be brought into the situation, more power to you. You have that right. I have a child who's life was saved because someone chose to butt into the issues happening in his birth family's home. I am pleased that someone brought that situation to light. I am by no means saying mind your own business.

I guess the issue I am having is that people were so very quick to villainize the mother. There was a very obvious villain in this scenario, it was Michael Plumadore. He confessed. He led police and FBI investigators to the several places where he had disposed of her remains. A local journalist who had spoken to MP several times during the search was astounded that he had been fooled by his sincerity. The family continues to say they are distressed that he could've done this, that they had been duped by his kindness and his gentleness. Is it really so hard to believe that this monster had fooled them? Do you really want to believe that this mother knowingly and willingly put her kids in his care knowing he was looney? Does that makes more sense to you? It doesn't me.

Then we have the whole sexual predator angle. It is spoken about in every conversation there is about the murder. There has yet to be anything that has told us that Aliahna was sexually molested. We may never know. Dear Lord, how I hope that was not the case. But the sexual predator part of the equation came into the picture because there were so many living in this small trailer park. Does that need some attention? Sure. Did the mom know? Yes she did. From reports, she had no other choices. She seemed to be in a cycle of poverty. I will not argue if that ws something she could've fixed or something she chose. What I am saying is that some people have no choices. When you are caught in that world, there seems to be no escape. Some people know much else and everything they deal with seems to be the norm and there is nothing else. Once again I am not defending, I am just thinking out loud.

I guess what I struggle most with is the fact that we have no idea what living that life is like unless we have been there. Pointing fingers and shaming will not fix the situation. I think the people that are hollering the loudest about the situation saying that the mother should've made better choices are likely the same ones who would use words like welfare whore, white trash and lazy but will talk about how Aliahna should've had a better life? How do you think that would happen without public assistance? The ones having such a problem with her life and choices are the same ones who would likely be against public assistance programs. This child was born in a bad situation.

If you want to point fingers . . . where were you? What do you do when you see a mom struggling in the grocery? What do you do when a child at your kid's school needs a warm winter coat? Do you donate to the Food Bank? Do you give to that Salvation Army bucket? The people who villainize the parents who cannot take care of their children tend to forget that by you not supporting public programs you are not only punishing the adults but the kids by default.

Lets be pissed. Lets be angry. Lets make sure that laws are changed. But lets get angry at the one who committed this horrible crime, not the ones who have to live with it forever. I am sure they hate themselves enough for all of us.

Flying needles . . .

2011-12-19T08:02:00.000-08:00

About a month ago I decided I needed to try to crochet a hat for an infant photo shoot I was doing. I had never worked with a crochet pattern before, and it a learning experience. I posted the finished product on facebook and my brother posted a picture of a viking hat he wanted crocheted. I bought the pattern and decided to work on it for Christmas. That was a tough one! (pattern from Mamachee on Etsy)

Then I received a wonderful gift from a dear blog reader. She contacted me and asked if I would like a few infant sized hats for my photoshoots. What a kind gesture! She sent me a package in the mail of the most adorable infant sized hats and an angry birds hat for my son! Adorable! It was just the inspiration I needed to sit down and make more hats!

I began posting them on facebook and making them for friends! What fun I have had. It has been nice since I cannot get around right now. I have another surgical consult about my broken ankle (the prior surgeon missed something that is causing a MAJOR problem) and have been ordered to stay off it as much as possible. This gives me something to do while I sit on the couch!

Kermit

Toy Story alien

Owl

Angry Bird

Elmo

My favorite adult size beanie pattern is here. I use this as the base of nearly everything. I learned how to make the balls for eyes and noses here. And the best toddler size beanie pattern is here (except I eliminate the last 4 rows or it tends to be too long)

I taught myself to croceht through YouTube videos and some pointers from my mom a couple years ago. When I came across something in the pattern that I did not know how to do, I simply checked on YouTube and learned the stitch. It was surprisingly easy!

Ears, Pain, and FAS . . .

2011-12-09T18:18:00.001-08:00

Dustin does this weird ear thing. He sticks his pointer finger in his ear and scratches up and down about 60 times. He looks like a dog. Drives us batty. It has caused problems in the past by him scratching his ear canal and causing inflammation. This is compounded by the fact that the boy makes more earwax than any other person on the planet. When he does the dog scratch, he tends to compact the wax into his ear.

This Tuesday, he got out of the shower and began carrying on about his ear hurting. Some nasty dark wax was on the outside of his ear and I cleaned it up with a Qtip. He went to school the next day and went straight to the nurses office and said I had crammed a Qtip in his ear and has hurt him. Nice.

After speaking with the nurse, I assured her that I did not do that. She did say that his ears were VERY compacted and that she could not see the ear canal at all. I went to pick him up and headed to the clinic. The doctor said the ears were VERY bad and they needed to lavage them out. This involves a waterpick type instrument and a convenient little water & goo catch-y thing. The doctor also said that he has very odd, narrow and twisty ear canals which complicates things. They did the lavage 6 times on one side and 4 on the other. Not much came out. They still could not see any part of the canal, but his pain was relieved. We left with 2 prescriptions and need to head back in 4 weeks for another go at the lavage.

Dustin has been complaining about loud noises for a month or so. I truly ignored it because he decides to complain about things in a cyclical pattern. He finds one thing to focus on and then he will not let it go. I thought this was the complaint du jour. I was wrong and I feel badly.

The worst part is that because Dustin has lessened pain receptors, he rarely complains about things until it is VERY painful. This doctor told me this amount of compaction would be quite painful for anyone and he could not understand how it got this badly before he complained. He was very kind. He was understanding and kind to Dustin. I really liked him. I feel so terrible that it got that bad before I took care of it. But, I suppose it is what it is. This is exactly what happened earlier this fall with his bowel obstruction. He does not know he is in pain until the damage is far greater than normal.

I can only hope that this is the reason that the last month has been so completely and totally wretched behavior wise. He has been impulsive, explosive, grouchy and grumpy. He has been over-the-edge nasty. I can only hope it was his body reacting to the pain, even if he did not feel it completely. Today I kept him home from school. Last night's behavior was particularly bad and I thought he needed some extra sleep. Tonight has been 1 million times better . . . I hope this trend continues!

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome . . .

2011-12-08T11:40:00.000-08:00

Pregnant Women and Holiday Drinking: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder Lasts Forever - ABC News

You must watch the video above.

Please.

Wood Shim sunburst mirror . . .

2011-11-27T22:00:00.000-08:00

Mom's birthday. What to get? DIY to the rescue.

I have seen these floating around the web on several DIY sites and decided it was time to give one a shot.

All I purchased was a $3 package of wood shims, some gorilla glue and a 6 inch mirror.

I did prepaint the shims. Mom recently too the plunge and put COLOR in her white walled world. The mirror is a gift for her bedroom so I snuck over while she was on vacation and retrieved the accent color that is in her bedroom. I decided it was be way easier to prepaint than paint when it was completed.

I cut a piece of cardboard for the back just a smidge larger than the mirror tile. I simply began hot gluing the shims in a circular pattern and layering them. I did have to snap a few off so they were shorter and they would lay nicely.

I used the gorilla glue to glue the mirror on and simply placed the paint can on top overnight as a bit of weight to help hold it in place.

Ta da! I will take a picture of it in place when she hangs it.

Mmmmmm Icing . . .

2011-11-23T16:53:00.000-08:00

There is a family that makes terrific cakes. The icing is to die for! I have always bought cakes and cupcakes from the daughter who is also a co-worker. She is pregnant and no longer doing cakes and her mother is retired. Aaaaaahhhhh! My icing! I decided to try a few recipes and this one was a SUPER close substitute.

Buttercream Icing

2 egg whites (large eggs)
3 tbsp. water (omit water when using food coloring)
1 1/2 c. Crisco shortening
1 tsp. salt
3 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. almond extract
2 lbs. powdered sugar

Mix well with a mixer on low. You can add Karo or Corn Syrup to make it a bit more fluid, but I did not need to.

I believe I have posted this video before about filling icing bags without mess, but it is worth it's weight in GOLD so I will post it again.

Shooting stars . . .

2011-11-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

I caught these on Pinterest too and decided that they were easy enough to make and I already had felt laying around begging to be sewn.

I think a few of these and a small metal bucket (or perhaps a painted coffee can) would be an adorable gift for my kiddos (shhhh! Don't tell them!)

All I did was cut out a bunch of large stars and a different color small star. I simply stitched the small star on the larger one and then sewed two large stars together leaving the edges raw, it is felt after all! I cut a bunch of ribbons and used a lighter on one end so that they would not fray. I stuffed 4 ribbons in each star while I was sewing them up. Leaving one point open, I used a funnel and filled the stars with rice and finished off the sewing. Adorable!

(The only thing I would do differently next time is leave the large stars as a square and trace the shape on them. I would then sew them and cut around the seem. Those little points got stuck in my machine quite often.)

Poppers! . . .

2011-11-23T15:50:00.000-08:00

I always like to try something new for family gatherings. The kicker is that it has to be EASY! I hate long and involved recipes with items that you don't normally purchase. These looked awesome on Pinterest and I gave them a shot . . .

Seperate crescent rolls and add a dollop of cream cheese to the middle of the triangle.

Add bacon and jalapeno pepper slices.

pick up three corners and twist together then pinch the sides together so the ooey goodness does not leak out.

Bake on a slightly sprayed cookie sheet for 10-15 minutes at 350 degrees.

Thankful . . .

2011-11-23T10:22:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for my kiddos. They love me unconditionally (even if one was mad at me when I made him put lip balm on his lips in the car pool line this morning because he "HATES that stuff! Argh!"!) They put up with my craziness, my OCD, my DIY whims and my mood swings!
Thankful for my husband who doesn't beat me when I bring home a 100+ pound foster dog for "just a little while" and he eats the seat off his scooter! He puts up with so much!
I am thankful for a job I love. I am thankful that I have been at my job for 21 years and panic at the thought of ever leaving. I love what I do. (I am not saying I always want to get up and go to work though . . . )I am thankful for friends new and old. When I began blogging in 1995, our family felt so incredibly alone raising a special needs child with attachment issues and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Blogging gave me a village of families who do this same hard work EVERY. FREAKING. DAY. They understand me, stand by me, pray for me, listen to my complaining, encourage me when I want to give up, and virtually hold me when I cry. I could not be more thankful for my community of Trauma Mamas!
I am thankful that while I joke that we are "poor" that we have a home to live in, a car to drive, clean water, and food to put on our table. It may not be easy, but we make ends meet.
I am thankful for my mother, step-father and his extended family. My mother's family is not close and his has taken us in as one of their own. I appreciate their love, support and prayers.

I am thankful for my fur babies. I love the snuggling, the wet doggie kisses, the cat head-butts, and the sweet head tilts that melt my heart and make me forget you just pooped in the foyer. (almost)

Dustin update . . .

2011-11-13T16:52:00.000-08:00

This weekend was strange. S. T. R. A. N. G. E. A friend came from a couple states away to spend some time with me. Friday, Dustin was having a very bad day. I sent him to bed early before she even arrived. I figured she would not need to put up with his ugliness.

She and I ran a bunch of errands on Saturday and attended an adoption event for a dog we were fostering. When we went home, Dustin and Harrison were playing wonderfully at the dining room table. They were not fighting. They were not yelling. They were not doing anything inappropriate. It continued that way for well over 3 hours. It was amazing.

Now, I must say that they were within eye sight at all times. I was constantly aware of their conversation and making certain that things being said were appropriate. I was still on alert, but it was nice to see them playing well together. I hate that I still have to be so vigilant, but with Dustin's past issues, he has to be supervised at all times. I can calm a bit as the kids get a bit older because they know right from wrong and will not allow certain things, but I am still very careful as he is taller than me and has NO impulse control.

It was a nice break. Today, it continued. there was a bit more bickering, but nothing like normal. Dustin is mild mannered today and quite pleasant to be around. I am savoring it, since I know it will not last. Sigh. We take all positives we can get!

The good mood Dustin was in definitely contributed to my good weekend with my dear friend. It was a nice break all around.

DIY Beaded Chandelier . . .

2011-11-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

McCartney and I were shopping at Goodwill a few weeks ago. It was 50% off day and when we were leaving, we came across a big tub of mardi gras beads for a quarter each.

We bought a bunch and I immediately thought about making a light fixture for her bedroom. I knew I had a hanging light kit and an old fabric lampshade cover for it that had seen better days.
I knew I could do something with it. . . I simply used small small gauge wire and a pair of wire cutters.

I started by pulling off the old fabric from the outer layers. I decided to keep the inner layer so that the light bulb would have a bit of a covering. Then I simply started using the wire to tie the beads to the metal frame.

The chandelier turned out so cute. I used a plant hanger screwed into her window frame to hold the lamp kit. She thinks it is spectacular and I think we spent a total of $3 on it!

It really is the perfect bling for my little diva!

Crock Pot Baked Potato Soup

2011-10-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

I have seen this floating around Pinterest and thought I would give it a try! It is amazing!

5 pounds of potatoes
1 medium size onion
32 oz of chicken stock
6 cloves of garlic

Cube potatoes and put in the crock pot with chicken stock, onion and garlic.

Cook on high for 6 hours or low for 10 hours

Remove 2/3 of cooked potato soup and puree. Add back to crock pot. Add 2 packages of cream cheese cut into cubes. Continue cooking until cream cheese is melted.

Garnish with cheddar cheese, green onions and bacon. Salt and pepper to taste.

(Don't freak out in the initial 6 hours, it smells REALLY garlic-y. I thought for sure it was ruined and was already thinking I would try it without soon, but once it is pureed and the cream cheese is added, it is not so harsh)

Attachment . . .

2011-10-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

We are having a rough go of it right now. Dustin typically has a difficult . . . DIFFICULT . . . D I F F I C U L T . . . time in October. This year will apparently be no exception. He has been pretty decent in recent weeks. He has not ran out of the house since just before school started, he has been sleeping well, and he has been quite helpful. The biggest issue we have been dealing with is a very smart mouth and a difficult attitude. I think that someone at school has been serving as a negative role model, the way he has been lipping off at home is new. His attitude is very "teenagery" yet he is still acting like a 6 year old much of the time.

The thing that I cannot stand the most is that when he hears the word no he melts into craziness. If he does not get his way, the crying, the whining and the jumping commences. It is almost always followed by some attachment junk that spews out of his mouth . . .

"You hate me."
"I don't want to live here any longer."
"I wish I would've never let you adopt me."
"I want you to call the police to take me away."
"Just kick me out."

It bothers me that after 9 years and countless stuff we have dealt with, he still thinks that leaving the family is an option. It breaks me heart that this is even a viable option in his mind. It hurts that he is that "broken" that he even thinks that it is possible.

I respond is mostly the same way . . .

"We love you."
"You have no choice, this is your family and your home."
"You needed a family and we love you."
"The police have no place to take you."
"Where will you live? This is your family. You are my child."

Agh! It makes me nutty. It kills me that we do this nearly every day. He truly thinks that you can simply throw someone out. He feels disposable. It also makes me crazy that he would rather live in a box on the street or ask to go to the psych hospital than live in my house. I know that neurotypical teens want to leave etc, but the difference for me is that he truly believes that it is possible for a mother or father to just be done and toss him out like trash.

Sometimes I believe it is for reassurance. Sometimes I think he just needs to hear that we will not do that to him. I think it is a dance that he feels is necessary to feel attached to us and know that we care. Other times, like tonight, he really thinks he would be better off without us.

If I wanted to be all selfish about it, I would be truly frustrated that he feels this way even after we have sacrificed so much of ourselves to give him the home he has. I would feel like it is a slap in the face that he had no one else who wanted him and we were willing to take on all these issues because we loved him and now he doesn't even want to be here. Of course, I know that he is not doing this to torture me, he is in more internal turmoil than I can ever imagine.

But sometimes, not feeling that way is hard.

Fun artwork . . .

2011-10-08T14:35:00.000-07:00

I am still loving me some Pinterest . . .

Button art is all over the place. I love buttons. This one struck my fancy so I made one for my daughter's bedroom wall. Good stuff. The canvas is 8x10 and a two pack at the Mart of Walls costs less than $6.

I painteda small canvas with turquoise and a bit of white and navy thrown in to create some depth in the color. I let that dry for a few minutes while watching a movie.

Then I took a paint pen and drew a tree with some swirly branches and let that drip for a bit longer.

Lastly I took the glue gun and glues on some fun buttons. Voila! Cheap, easy, fun artwork!
(I was too lazy to get up and get my camera, so phone photos will have to suffice!)

Home . . .

2011-10-06T08:54:00.001-07:00

We are home. Dustin is a pooping machine. Just a brief update while I get my world back together over here:)

Briefly home again . . .

2011-10-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

So, my son is still in the hospital in Wisconsin and I am home. I left him and my husband there and I came home to get supplies and bring the littles home for school. My mother is graciously watching them for me until this is resolved. I will be returning north at some point to retrieve husband and son or to sit with them if surgery is necessary. Right now, we are still about 50/50 chance that surgery will be a necessity. Prayers still welcome. Thanks for all your good thoughts!

Wisconsin . . .

2011-10-01T20:55:00.001-07:00

So I am in Wisconsin visiting a dear friend. Dustin began vomiting on the way here, just past Chicago. He was quite ill all the rest of the way here. It was quite a traumatic trip. By the time we got here last night he was acting fairly normal. He had stopped vomiting and I thought that perhaps we had turned the corner and it was just some motion sickness. This morning he had a small episode.

We traveled to a very large farmer's market and enjoyed downtown Madison. Within a couple hours it was obvious that he was not doing well. After more vomiting started I called the pediatrician at home and she directed us to the ER if it did not get better. About an hour later we were at a satellite hospital and having a CT scan done with contrast. things started moving quickly when they came in and said he had a high grade bowel obstruction meaning NOTHING was moving through his system. They transported him to the main hospital by ambulance and admitted him. He is laying downtown at a hospital in Madison with the hubby sleeping in the bed next to him.

Tomorrow I plan on taking my two littles home and sleeping at home. I need to collect some medication, hug my dogs, get some clean underwear and head back up here. My babies will stay with grandma so they can get to school.

One of two things will happen with Dustin. He will either start moving things through his system with the help of his IV fluids and his NG tube emptying his belly, or he will need surgery. Surgery will mean quite a stay and I hope we can avoid that. They said we will likely know what way we are headed in 48 hours. Prayers would be appreciated.

Johnny Appleseed 2011 . . .

2011-09-18T16:06:00.000-07:00

Headed out to Johnny Appleseed today. Not such a bright idea with the broken leg! The uneven ground, the gravel and the crowds were not so easy to maneuver with the boot on, but I got some beef vegetable soup which made it all worth while!

Oh my he is getting so big!

Momma and her girl!

Sarsaparilla!

Apple Dumplings . . .

2011-09-18T15:48:00.000-07:00

Today after we returned from the Johnny Appleseed Festival, I made apple dumplings. While I am sure theirs were good, I know mine are equally as good and I did not have to stand in line for an hour!

I made a half batch which makes 8. This is plenty for our family! If I am taking it to a carry in I will make a full batch. Here is the half batch ingredients:

1 can of crescent rolls
1 apple (I used one Granny Smith and one Macintosh)
1 stick of butter
1 cup of sugar
sprinkle of cinnamon
About 6 oz of Mountain Dew

All you do is roll a few apple slices in each crescent roll triangle. Place in a 9x13 baking dish.

Melt butter and mix in sugar and cinnamon. Pour over dumplings.

This is what happens when you try to pour a 2 liter of Mountain Dew over the dumplings while trying to take a picture with your other hand. It is not pretty! You end up crushing the bottle and shooting MD all over the stove.

Pour Mountain Dew over and bake for 40-45 minutes at 350 degrees.

Ham and Egg Cups . . .

2011-09-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

Made these for dinner tonight, they are all over pinterest so I though I'd give them a try.

All you do is take thin sliced ham and fit it into a muffin tin that has been lightly greased. I sprayed mine with Canola oil. My ham was a bit thin so if there was a tear or a small hole, I just ripped another peice of ham into small bits and layered it on the bottom to "plug" the hole.

When the ham is all nestled in the muffin tins, crack an egg and pop them into the ham cup. I sprinkled with salt and pepper an added grated cheddar cheese on top of some. I also added green onions on a few others. I left a few plain in case the kids preferred those.

Here they are on their way to the oven . . .

They were yummy and the kids loved them! We ate a whole dozen! They called for 15 minutes in a 400 degree oven and the yolks were over done. Next time I will get them out a bit sooner to make the eggs dippers. But they were still yummy!

No Flour Peanut Butter Cookies. . .

2011-09-13T17:45:00.001-07:00

I made these for my mommy tonight. She has been gluten free for some time as they found out she has Celiacs Disease. She feels so much better than she ever has. She doesn't really crave baked goods, but every now nad again she pines for cookies and cakes. I know you can bake with gluten free flours, but they are far too complicated for me. I thought I would give these a shot.

Totally gluten free peanut butter cookies.

1 c of peanut butter
1/4 c brown sugar
3/4 c sugar
1 egg
1 t baking soda
1/2 t of vanilla

Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper. Remove cookies from oven but leave on cookie sheet to cool.

Colors, Colors . . .

2011-09-11T17:05:00.000-07:00

Today is my brother's birthday. What do you get a man who buys what he wants? He just moved into a new apartment a couple months ago, so I decided the kids and I needed to make him a piece of art!

This is floating around the internet and is all over Pinterest. (If you want an invite, send me an email or leave a comment with your email and I will send you an invite) I decided I could so do one and I thought Uncle Josh might like it, so we gave it a try.

I bought these wrapped canvases at Walmart for $6 for two! The crayons were only 40 cents. I definitely bought Crayola because I know that they color better because they are made with better wax so I thought they would melt much better.

First thing I did was to line up the crayons in a basic rainbow order. I hot glued the crayons on the end of the canvas (being careful to line up the label) and hot glued them on. You take a blow dryer on hot and melt the crayons letting the color drip down the canvas.

Watch yourself, the wax is hot and if you use the high setting it does tend to fling the wax around. See my hand? I used low and it was much more controlled.

This was our finished product. While I like it, I thought that the crayons looked a bit too kiddie for Uncle Josh. So I decided to try it a different way . . .

This time I glued the crayons onto a piece of 1x2 I had in the closet. This time I wasn't concerned with the labels so it was much faster. I glued the crayons so they are just barely off the wood peice and then glued the wood onto the end of the canvas. I once again melted the crayons with the blow dryer.

I also blew wax all over my arm!

The crayon-wood combo came apart from the canvas easily and I think I could use it one more time to melt onto another canvas. The crayons are less than half gone.

Here are the two different versions. I think the one with the crayons is fine, but I like the one without the crayons much better!

What do you think? Sound doable! Super easy, trust me. And for only $7 for two prints . . . totally affordable!

Happy Birthday Uncle Josh!

Thankfulness Project Monday. . .

2011-09-05T17:08:00.000-07:00

I have recently started reading Musings of a Counselor. She sponsors a Thankfulness Project Monday post and I thought I would start today. . .

Today I am thankful for:

1. Soul Sisters who travel 6 hours one way to come hug my neck!
2. Soul Sister's kids who don't think my kids are crazy!
3. Husbands who understand when I want to spend lots of time with said Soul Sister.
4. Medications that work without too many side effects for my babies
5. Being able to walk on my broken leg, even with a very heavy "boot".
6. Being able to spend time with some pretty great family today at mom's cookout

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.

-- Epictetus

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.

-- Rabbi Harold Kushner .

Medication update . . .

2011-08-31T18:16:00.001-07:00

We are so far thrilled with the Daytrana patch. Harrison is doing well and he is much happier. I spoke with the pediatrician today and she wants to up the dosage a bit since his teacher and family both noticed that he is a bit sporadic and still hyper. He is focused enough to get his work done at school but he bounces all over the place. We have noticed the same at home. He is able to focus, but he is still all over the place when he is not doing something that captivates him.

A bonus, he is getting along with his sister much, much better. They have always fought like cats and dogs and he is so much more agreeable on the patch that they are getting along famously! I think it is because he is a lot less irritable and he tolerates so much more. I am so happy to see them playing together for hours without arguing and smacking one another! I think they have only gotten mad at one another maybe twice in a week! That is a miracle!

It actually makes me sad that a medication he was on for 4 years made him so irritable and I did not notice it. I feel horrible that he had to live feeling like that and not understanding that it was preventable. We, as parents, have such an awesome responsibility to advocate for our kids and when we fail them in some way it is very sobering. I hope this medication continues to serve him well and always his mind to be calm and peaceful.

Free fabric and leather sofas . . .

2011-08-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

We bought a leather sectional last winter. I love it. I wanted leather because it wipes really clean and with 3 kids, that is important. I love the way it looks, but I hate sitting on it. It is slippery in the summer when I am sweaty and cold in the winter. We usually put a blanket on it, but it slides around and I am constantly fixing it. It drives me bananas!

I was gifted some fabric from a friend who was purging her house. I scored a large curtain made out of this wonderful stripe and a bunch of left overs (at least 3 yards). I actually wavered between taking the left overs or not and finally decided that I would. I am so glad.

It has been sitting in my closet for the summer and I finally decided to break it out and do something about the sofa.

I made a couple coverlets for each side of the sectional. They were basically made from large rectangles with a smaller triangular top and I just hemmed the edges. On the tops, I made a channel similar to a curtain rod hole so I could tuck in a 1x2 peice of wood. That wood tucks into the crevice of the couch between the top and bottom cushions. The wood helps hold it in so it won't shift when we sit on it. (I learned that years ago on Decorating Cents on HGTV, I loved that show!) For the bottom, I simply made little straps that hooked on the legs of the sofa. I am hoping this helps the fabric not shift around and drive my nuts!

This is the top where the board tucks into the channel. This just got wedged in between the top and bottom cushions. Works great!

I was too lazy to take the bottom straps off to take a picture, but see how well it holds the fabric straight and taut.

The pillow covers are a simple envelope type and are made with the strips on the back and a pretty complimentary flowered on the top. The old pillows simply tucked right inside and are easily washable for the pesky kids.

Here's one side of the finished sofa. What'cha think?

Let it "bee" . . .

2011-08-29T14:35:00.001-07:00

So, Harrison has been off his Focalin for 5 days. Yesterday I announced that we would be going to the park. He was less than thrilled. I forced the issue and he promised to give it a try.

My mom picked us up and we headed over to the splash pad. At first he was a little leery and I reassured him that the fear was from his medication and the last time that he was at the plash pad he was fine. He looked around and ran off to the playground equipment after his sister promised to stay near him. After about minutes I did see him screech about a bug but he recovered quickly and kept playing (without the hollering, the stiff body and the major vigilance). Within about 10 minutes he had left his sister's side and found a couple friends to play with. He played for 3 hours, ate fruit and ran like a maniac. He only noticed a bug 3 times and each time it was a quick recovery. I think we have this thing licked!

I do not know yet how school recess went, but I have confidence we can get through this! Yay!

*Update: he told me "I had no freak-outs at recess." He was so proud! So am I!

Side effects . . .

2011-08-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

My bio-son has been on Focalin XR for ADHD for 4 years. From the first day he started it, it has been a perfect match for him. He did had some minor side effects such as no appetite and minor stomach aches, but for the most part it has been a god-send.

Over the summer we started seeing some difficult break through behaviors and I did not want to up the dose over the summer. The pediatrician decided to increase the dosage in August so he could get a good running-start into the new school year. Prior to the increase we started seeing a bit more agitation and some fears creeping in. The biggest fear was of bugs. He was not able to sleep at nights until after 1:00 pm some nights. He also started picking his fingers, his lips and any sores. You could tell there was some anxiety there and I thought it was simply that the increase was needed.

With the increase the symptoms just kept getting worse. The fear of bugs took over to the point where he refused to go outside. This is a child who lives to be outdoors. He would FREAK OUT if he saw a bug and was in constant vigilance for about a half hour after. There was no calming him down. When he as not with me it was even worse. He would scream like I have never heard before. It was as though he was being kidnapped. He was absolutely hysterical. He is 9 and in 4th grade. It was totally out of character.

With school starting I really thought the peer pressure would stop the behavior. He begged me not to tell them and swore he could control it at school. I was wrong. Three days into the school year and I was getting a call from the case manager at school. She was very concerned. They had just had a very severe reaction and I called the pediatrician. She asked me to bring him in the next morning concerned it was a reaction.

I googled Focalin XR and fear of bugs and lo' and behold, it is a common irrational phobia! Forums were packed with info about this. The ped said that it is fairly common and that his body was simply "saturated" with the drug and it was time to switch. He is now on the Daytrana patch. Yesterday he had a bit of a hiccup about 2 hours into wearing it and was complaining of chest pains. The ped said to remove it and he had an EKG this morning. Everything was fine so they put him back on it.

Hopefully this med will do the trick. She did say that it is known for less side effects concerning appetite since it is not going into his stomach. Another positive is that we can remove it earlier and the effects will stop so he can get more sleep. I am hoping the transition is an easy one and we get back on track quickly. The school is being very cooperative and quite kind about the whole thing. The bug thing should stop as the Focalin is cokmpletely out of his system in 4 days unless we end up dealing with it as alearned behavior. Last night I told him that his medication was causing the fear and he said, "Oh! That's why I am so afraid. I have never been afraid before so that makes sense." He is a logical kid so maybe it will be that easy! Fingers crossed.

Fifteen years ago . . .

2011-08-25T05:01:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 15th anniversary of my dad's passing. I will never forget those last 5 days in the hospital that seem like just yesterday in so many ways. My dad went into the hospital in the early morning hours of Wednesday, was moved to a private room on Friday and lost his fight cancer on Sunday evening.

Friday evening was the last time I saw him conscious.

That Sunday evening is emblazoned on my brain. He had a corner room and it was filled with family and friends. We were all sitting around telling stories and just being with one another. I had something and we all laughed, and dad opened his eyes. Several of us jumped up and went to his bedside, but it was painfully obvious that he was not with us, but looking at something else, a better place. He was not seeing the hospital room filled with family and friends, but I like to think he was seeing the face of Jesus. The nurses came in and checked his vitals. His breathing was shallow and his heart was still beating. I hope he could feel us and the love we were sending as we waited patiently for his body to shut down. I recall my mother sitting on the right side of his bed and stroking his face while I held his hand, my brother was at our side. Our Sunday night church service had just ended and my parent's close friends came over to see how we were holding up. As soon as they walked into the room and up to the bed, my dad closed his eyes and it was over. I still believe he saw them and knew it was okay to give up. It was time to rest.

Leaving the hospital was surreal. Going home to my mom's house was even worse. Our new world had begun.

My dad was young, only 45 when he lost his fight with cancer. He fought hard up until the very end. I married the following summer. My biggest regret is that dad did not get to meet my husband or walk me down the isle. I did not get to have him walk me down the isle so I chose not to have a traditional wedding ceremony. I never got to see his face light up as my babies came running to him or get to see him lift them up into his arms. I know he is in the presence of Jesus and I know, one day, we will see him again.

My kind of town, my kind of people . . .

2011-08-22T05:12:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the car coming back from a whirlwind trip to meet another trauma mama in Chicago for the weekend. It has been a much needed break from feeling so very alone. It was more needed than I knew.

This summer has been difficult. Dustin has run out more times than I care to think about. My injury to my leg has been pretty catastrophic to the remainder of my summer. Being immobile with a child like Dustin simply invites him to misbehave. A child who is under constant and total supervision around others is difficult at best, let alone when one adult is not able to get up and see what is going on. I had no idea how depleted my stores of positivity were.

On Saturday, I was having a texting conversation with a momma who understands what our family is like because she has lived it. She has been through hell and back. She has survived so I know it is possible. Corey placed up in the same home for next year’s Orlando retreat and we started emailing. Emails turned to texts, texts to phone calls. Phone calls turned to middle of the night blubbering sessions on my end when I was medicated and laid up on bed rest for two weeks. We have become closer than I thought possible with someone who I have never laid eyes on. Saturday that all changed.

Her family decided to take an impromptu trip to the Windy City and we decided that since it was midway between us we would join them for a quick overnight trip. We ran around and packed quickly while she searched for rooms on a very busy weekend in Chicago. We found a really nice place that was just about exactly half way between us a bit out of the city.

When I hugged her neck I felt like I was hugging a long lost sister. The best part was that I knew she understood my family. I was completely relaxed around my kids’ behaviors because I knew she understood. She was completely relaxed around my kids’ behaviors because she has dealt with the same things. Oddly enough, Dustin sensed that feeling of at ease and did really well. He really only had a couple of issues and of talking back and being difficult which are so minor in the scheme of everyday life that I could not truly ask for better. It was amazing! Her bio kids and m biokids got along swimmingly (and not just in the pool! Har Har!) The hubs both got along well, it was slightly miraculous. I do however think that sticking all the kids in the car with her hubs while we rode in my car with my hubs was not so welcomed and we likely won’t get away with that one again!

The best part of the weekend is when I called Dustin back to stay behind me. He said, “Mom! I am okay with Gala, she can handle me. She is just like you!” The look of defeat on his face was priceless. It was fabulous. I did not feel like I was sitting with a mom of perfect children who was judging my kids and their not-so-perfect behaviors. She was real. She got it. And she loved us anyway.

I am not sure you understand how priceless that is. I am not sure I understood how priceless that was until today. I am not certain that I can live the remainder of my life without her in it. I am thankful that I don’t have to.

(In the craziness I forgot to take my camera. These pics are from my phone, not too shabby!)

I am not alone...

2011-08-20T21:50:00.001-07:00

I am sitting at a hotel 3 hours from home and next door is a family who gets us. We spent a couple hours in the pool and I didn't worry about Dustin's behavior. He was actually quite well behaved. I think it was because I was relaxed and he could sense that.

Do you know what that is like? It is pure gold.

And my soul sister? I knew her before I hugged her neck.We have cried together and laughed together. It is like meeting a long lost friend. Tomorrow we will travel into the city and have some fun.

This is NOT the last time we will be together. I have a feeling I will be putting lots of miles on my car to spend time with someone who gets us and loves us anyway!

RRSAHM speaks out . . .

2011-08-19T08:56:00.001-07:00

Random Ramblings of a Stay at Home mom.

Last night's adventure . . .

2011-08-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to bed at about 11:00pm. I woke up at 4:00 and my husband was apparently still downstairs. I am still unable to walk on my leg for another 2 weeks so I sent Harrison downstairs to see if he was asleep on the couch. He was no where to be found . . . neither was Dustin. I thought they had ran an errand of went out for a soda. (they have both been nightowls this summer) My husband did not have his phone on him but I wasn't too concerned since Dustin has not ran out of the house in over a week.

I said it. OVER . A. WEEK. This is a record of sorts for us. He was attempting to earn an upgrade to his hand held game system and had done a really nice job of not only not running, but not threatening to run in almost 10 days. I thought it was a milestone. He got his upgrade on Wednesday.

He ran out shortly after 2:00am last night.

He was gone for nearly 2 hours.

My husband kept catching sight of him while he tried to follow him in the van. He ran to the van without knowing his phone as at home and he didn't want to go back to get it knowing he would likely lose sight of him and not know where he was in the middle of the night. (He has the patience of Job!) Apparently Dustin grabbed a large stick (about the size of a baseball bat in diameter, only longer) and was hitting the metal railing of our River Greenway (a trail system that runs ear our house) and screaming "Heeeeeeeeeeeelp! I don't want to go with him!" Eventually it likely woke someone in the house along the street where the Greenway is and they called police. An officer who is familiar with Dustin's shenanigans came around the corner nd hollered for Dustin to "Stop! And drop the stick!" He did, but it took some coercing for him to come down off the hill of the Greenwway.

Once down, the officer asked him why he did not want to go home and Dustin answered, "He too my remote!" The officer asked why and Dustin said, "Because he wouldn't let me watch Pokemon."

Swear. To. Goodness.

The officer shook his head and sent him home with Robert.

Oi, my life! Thankfully this time I was blissfully unaware and sleeping . . . .

Lessons . . .

2011-08-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

Anyone who reads here regularly knows that I am a go-go-go kind of girl. I love projects and if something needs to be done I jump right in there and figure out a way to accomplish it. I love to figure things out, organize and step back and see the end of a project. I do not like sitting still.

This injury has taught me to be still. And it is killing me!

I am not able to do much of anything in the way of projects. This week I went back to work and I am able to do my desk work. Of course my field trip days are over as our supervisor has picked up my slack. (my tan is nearly gone!) I have been able to get some much neglected desk work done and I am helping with the enrollment for the new school year. But home is another story, I sit around and see so much that either needs done or could be done that it drives me crazy!

This week I did scoot on my knee-scooter and pull weeds while my husband did my favorite job of mowing the lawn. And last night we had to replace the handrail on our front porch steps. It was falling down and I needed it to get down the steps with one leg. I knocked it down and my hubby went to pick up materials to fix it. I sat on a little stool on the porch and ~~ordered him around~~ watched as he made a new rail. I did do a couple cuts of the circular saw since he was not understanding what I was saying. I drilled a few holes, but it was not the same. These kinds of things are usually MY projects and I didn't get to do it! Boo!

I guess God is trying to teach my patience and to learn to rest. I am apparently not a good listener! My kids are also learning to be helpful and dilligent in cleaning up after themselves. They have always done what they were asked, but they have never been very good about putting things away when they are done. They are learning that that behavior makes for more work in the long run and when mommy is not around to do it for you it takes effort. That is a good life lesson.

Last night my husband said, "You need to get better soon. I am starting to see things that need to be done and take care of them! " LOL I think he is finally understanding all I do around the house and he is getting good at learning to multi-task.

We are all learning lessons. The biggest lesson I learned is that I am not 16 anymore and I don't bounce as well as I once did!

True Servant's Heart . . .

2011-08-07T19:55:00.000-07:00

I know a couple who work in the ministry. They are the kindest and most good natured people I know. This couple is the sort of people who would give you anything you were in need of if they had it to give. They are helpful. kind, pleasant, loving and genuine. They are the type of people you expect to see in the ministry. It warms my heart when the kind of people who should be in the ministry follow their calling. They are aware that it is not about their own agenda, not about personality contests or about what the ministry can give to them, but about touching lives.

This family has been called to serve and they worry about nothing more than the youth that are under their ministry. They raise their own children to be kind, helpful and humble. They provide an awesome example to their youth of how a christian family should behave and I am proud to call them friends.

Holy Rage Batman . . .

2011-08-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

Dustin has had one heck of a day. He has threatened to run out about 8 times today. How is that different from any other day you ask? These were all done while we were out in public. He has only ran twice in public. Once years ago in the Big Lots parking lot and once at Kmart about a year ago. The one a Kmart was horrific and included a call to the police.

Each time today we were able to thwart his forward progress, but he knows I am disabled right now with one working leg and I think he is taking advantage of it. Boo. I also think he is becoming more excited about going back to school (he prefers it to staying home and likes the routine) and is testing some boundaries. We also kept the kids home from daycare today so we could register them for school. It was a perfect storm for Dustin and I hope it goes better this weekend. I cannot take much more running out!

On a good note, I was out for about 6 hours today and I did pretty good! I had been worried about my endurance since I have been laying around and sleeping off pain meds for 2 weeks, but I did okay. I came home, took pain meds and crashed for hours, but it was a good day as far as my leg was concerned.

Deeper Water . . .

2011-08-03T18:17:00.001-07:00

My step brother and his wife are embarking on a new journey. Doug left this past Monday with a large trailer packed the the brim with belongings to head down to Mexico. He crossed the border today and prayers were answered as it pretty much went off without a hitch although he still has 16 hours ahead of him. His wife, Kari, and their 3 kids are flying into Mexico on Friday. Their main focus is aiding and supporting orphans and pastors in Guadalajara, Mexico.

They are taking a huge step of faith and doing what they feel called to do. I admire them for selflessly going and working for the orphans in that area. I pray for their safety and their good health. I am proud to call them family♥

If you are the praying kind, please send a prayer for them. If not, good thought, kind words, good mojo, etc are always welcomed. You can follow their ministry here. Or follow them on facebook here.

Leg Update . . .

2011-08-03T17:49:00.000-07:00

I have been down for almost 2 weeks with my broken leg. No weight bearing and elevation 24/7 has been the only thing on my menu. I am not gonna lie, it has been rough. I am so sick of laying around that my computer and cable television no longer keeps me occupied. I will say that one of the first things I am going to do when I get up is to paint the ceiling in my living room!

(The bad picture brought to you by my cell phone and Vicodin)

Today I ventured outside to go to the doctor. I have been praying that I could get the hard splint cut off my leg. It has drive me absolutely batty! My leg is wrapped in a large gauze bandage and their is casting plaster running up the sides of my leg, allowing my leg to swell and contract. It is then wrapped with an ace bandage. It feels like a saggy sock that is scrunched down and you are unable to pull it up. I must admit I did unwrap it a couple times and re-situated it. I could. not. take. it. any. longer. As soon as I was taken into the "casting room" at the doctor's office I was thrilled to hear the splint was coming off.

My leg was thrilled to be free of that itchy, irritating splint. It felt great to rub my skin and feel the air! After 13 days it is the little things that make you happy!

Ugly bruising and swelling. Nice cankle eh?!

Stitches were also removed today and they added some surgical glue and steri-strips. Those can come off in a week. She said they will come off on their own, but if they are peeling and icky I can take them off. Little did she know that I am a picker!

The plate and screws are holding the ligament in place for healing. I was put in a ankle immobilizer boot and I am still not allowed to do any weight bearing for 4 more weeks. No driving for at least 2 months. I am supposed to take off the boot at least 3 times a day and work on my ankle mobility for 15 minutes each time. That sounds fabulous, the reality is that it hurts like a BOOOTY! The good news is that I can shower without the boot! Yay!

I am also allowed to go back to work with restricted duty next Monday. I am looking forward to getting back into a routine and getting my life back. I have been authorized to get one of those scooters that you place your knee on and walk, that will make my life oh-so-much easier.

While this has truly sucked and been very painful I am very lucky that I am this far into my recovery already. I am blessed to have a boss who is understanding, a husband and kids who are super helpful and a wonderful doctor and staff. Thanks for all the kind words on facebook, the food brought over by friends and all the kind texts and emails. I am blessed!

Happy Anniversary dear Robert . . .

2011-08-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Today is the 14th anniversary of my marriage to Robert. I have a wonderful husband. Do we argue? Yep. Do we say things we don't always mean? Yep. Are we committed to being married until we die? Yep.

I am a tough cookie to live with. And he is not exactly a perfect man. We are human. We do however love one another and our children more than anything else in this world. The stress of dealing with a child such as Dustin and the myriad of difficult issues that comes with that is tremendous. The stress of raising 2 bio kids in this environment and trying to make their lives as normal as possible is quite large. Sometimes it is easiest to take our stress out on the people whom we love the most and I know I am guilty of that. So many marriages who deal with special needs kids collapse under the pressure of daily living. I can totally understand that. I am proud that although we bicker and argue we can stick through this and make it work. It takes lots of compromise and lots of understanding.

I wrote this post last year for my anniversary and I want to share it again. Because every part of it rings true today . . .

Dearest Robert,

From our first date, I knew you were "the one". I love you with my whole heart. We have had our fair share of difficulties, but we have stuck through. We both came into this marriage knowing that divorce was not an option, so whatever it was we made it work. You have patience beyond measure and you have taught me that perseverance is a gift.

Thirteen years ago I married my best friend. We have survived my OCD diagnosis, your brain tumor diagnosis and surgery, foster care, adoption, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, 2 pregnancies and the daily care of 3 children. I wouldn't change one thing. Everything we have done has not only made us stronger individuals, but has made us a stronger pair. I love you beyond measure.

I love the way you make our children laugh. I love the pride I see in your eyes when you look at our children. I love the kindness and patience you show with Dustin. I love your humor. I love your passion for justice and peace. I love your kindness and your gentle spirit. I love your positive outlook. I love your never-give-up attitude. I love the way you love me through all my faults. I love you.

Beautiful reminder. . .

2011-07-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

Claudia wrote a beautiful post yesterday. Go on over and read it . . . trust me you won't be sorry. But if indeed you don't go over, I'm gonna share the best with you so that I can save it for myself also. I think this is something I need to read all. the. time.

She was talking about how one of her sons remembers when they used a door alarm on his door in order to know when he was coming and going. He had to use the bathroom several times a night and instead of having the alarm go on all night, they put a bucket in his room so he could use it and dump it in the morning. This was a very short lived solution to a long term problem and they soon stopped using it to deter the behavior.

He remembers this as a LONG term issue in her home and throws it at her. In her words, "Mike recalls this that he lived like this for his entire childhood -- locked in his room with a bucket to pee in. In reality, we tried it for about a month and realized it doesn't work, but with his mind working the way it does it is where he gets stuck. Obviously, we haven't tried it again and we wouldn't do it again. It wasn't the way he made it sound, but it probably wasn't a good choice either."

Her next sentence hit me in the gut. "For the rest of our lives he will bring this up -- as a definition of his childhood." This is so true of Dustin and how he perceives things also. Perhaps this similarity is due to their FAS diagnosis and the inability to connect cause and effect. Perhaps it is just the way their brain works. Dustin is a very concrete, black or white thinker. When it comes to what happened in the past it is all or nothing. I don't think Mike is exaggerating the situation to make himself feel better or simply to torment Claudia, but that is how he truly sees it. Dustin is the same way!

She goes on to say, "I guess my reminder to you is this: Ask yourself when you are parenting your kids if ten years from now you want to be reminded of what you are doing today. Look at it from the memory picture of a child -- when they look back -- if they only remember bad things -- what are they going to remember?"

Whoa. That is heavy.

"But the next time you come down really hard on your kid -- you may want to ask yourself if you want that defining their childhood. And then love the heck out of that kid. I confess openly that Mike spent a great deal more time in Bart's lap than he did mine because I could not make myself connect very well with a child who was being so rude and defiant to me all the time. And that was my bad.

I'm not saying that a child who has many great memories and spends time on your lap is going to necessarily turn out any differently than a child who is "locked up for their entire childhood." But my guess is that you will turn out differently after choosing the lease controlling option of the two."

This is so very true. I have been reading Claudia's blog for years and over the years I have realized our approach to things our kids do is very similar. I love her honesty. When she is wrong and got sucked into a power struggle she admits it. She wants other to learn from her mistakes. She loves those kids with her whole being. She has a difficult time with her controlling nature. I do too. Thanks Claudia for sharing!! I needed to hear this today.

Taking a break . . . literally. . .

2011-07-25T09:38:00.000-07:00

Friday I was on a daycare field trip at a place called Bounce Mania. It is full of those inflatable bounce houses. There was one that was an obstacle course. I had been going through them all week. I fell off a rung of the ladder going to the top of the slide which was about 5-6 feet in the air. I fell backwards onto a landing area feet first. Let's just say that the sound I heard I hope to never hear again. I knew immediately my leg was broken.

I was transported to the hospital in an EMS and was taken to Xray. My ankle was dislocated and I had an obvious fracture, but thankfully it was closed. The gave me some good meds and realigned it. More xrays showed that the main ligament was involved and surgery was necessary. I went home for surgery the next morning.

Saturday I had surgery to reattach the ligment so it would heal. I have what is called a maisonneuve fracture, meaning I have a fracture of the medial malleolus of the ankle and the fibula, just below the knee. Ugh! I have to be flat on my back for 2 weeks and then no weight bearing for another 6 weeks. The pins and plates will come out at about 6 months.

Right now, I am not even watching television. Anyone who knows me knows that is huge! I cannot focus on anything due to the pain, so likely the blog will be quiet for a while. If you are the praying kind, please send prayers, the kids are all wonky knowing that I am laid up and I cannot hardly take the drama right now!

Crazy week . . .

2011-07-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

This week was insane.

I had photos to edit from a family shoot, the 4th of July holiday, painting, repairs and new carpet for my duplex to get ready for our new renter, 7 field trips at work this week, a photo shoot with my parents and their grandkids, a wedding rehearsal (out of town) and the wedding for which I was the photographer, then today I painted my parents duplex for their new renter and mowed my lawn!

I am pooped.

The great part? Dustin has had a good week . . . for the most part.

My girl . . .

2011-07-01T05:32:00.000-07:00

Diagnosis . . .

2011-06-28T18:40:00.000-07:00

When Dustin came to us, he had a veritable alphabet behind his name. He had every possible diagnosis I could think of, except schizophrenia which oddly enough is one of only two now. Those letters dropped off as we changed psychiatrists (several times until we got our golden p-doc) and others dropped off with therapists, and if the wind blew just right they would change then too.

Did he remarkably get "healed" from Early On-Set BiPolar or did he suddenly stop having Sensory Integration Disorder? No, it just seemed that everyone had different opinions on "what was driving his bus".

When we first started seeing our wonderful p-doc he wiped everything clean. The only thing he labeled Dustin was Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Did this change any of his behaviors? No. Dr. R simply said (in his wonderful Pakistani accent) "It does not matter what we call it. We still have to deal with it just the same." I held to that. I liked that perspective.

Those letters behind his name did nothing to help me deal with the behavior. Those letters did nothing to change the behavior. Now, don't get me wrong, I think labeling a child's issues can be important in helping others understand what they are dealing with. They can help us find resources and they can help us tell others find information. But the child is the same regardless of the diagnosis and we have to deal with what is presenting itself.

I wrote this several years ago:

I have always struggled with diagnosing kids with psychiatric disorders. It has nothing to do with labeling. I know some people freak out about slapping a label on their kids, but who the heck cares. Who has to know? It's not like they are required to wear a Tshirt that says, "I have been diagnosed BiPolar" to the local community pool. The only reason it should be brought up is in school and then only if their are issues or if services are needed. Then, it's obvious there's a need for that label. You don't have to place an ad in the newspaper to make the town aware of a diagnosis.

The reason I struggle is "how do we really know"? I mean, okay, when Dustin came to us in foster care he had every label imaginable. A few I can name off the top of my head are: Sensory Integration Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Shaken Baby Syndrome, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Early On-set Bi-Polar Disorder, Aspergers Syndrome, blah blah blah. Basically the only label we never had was Reactive Attachment Disorder, even though this was mentioned more than once. Now we simply have a Fetal Alcohol Disorder and Schizophrenic Disorder label ONLY, with a Moderately Mentally Handicapped status thrown in for good measure. That's what's "driving the bus" in Dustin's brain and everything else is "sitting in the back seats along for the ride". Basically my child is psychotic due to prenatal alcohol exposure. Period.

Do those labels help me deal with him better. Nope. What they do is help others see his weaknesses and celebrate his differences. They don't give excuses for his behaviors but they do give reasons. Our psychiatrist once said to me, I don't really care what you call it, we still have to learn to deal with it whatever it is. Amen brother! Sometimes it helps to tell people he has traits of Aspergers Syndrome because that is what they are familiar with and it gives them something to work with. Does he have Aspergers? Who knows, he definitely exhibits some form of Pervasive Developmental Disorder, and it is definitely sitting in one of those back seats on Dustin's Brain Bus.

Okay, here's where it gets tricky for me. . . hold on to your panties. How dare people who don't know me or haven't seen my kid or spent time with them say he couldn't possibly have that. It does seem that there is a trend toward a specific diagnosis in the child's psychiatric community from time to time. A few years ago, everyone was ADD, then it seemed to be Autism, and now it seems to the leaning toward RAD. Now it may be one thing to say that a particular diagnosis is overused, it is quite another thing to say it doesn't exist. Excuse me? Are you a doctor? Just because you have adopted successfully and haven't had to deal with it doesn't mean other's don't. I am pleased that you are so wonderful that your child seems to love you at first sight, but seriously you don't know every child. And perhaps you don't know everything. *gasp*

My whole problem with RAD is that these children are damaged. Just as my child's brain is "broken" due to prenatal alcohol exposure these children are "broken" due to abuse, neglect, multiple placements etc. Who am I to say that doesn't happen? Who am I to say that can't happen? I guess my take on it is that we as a country and as a people are moving toward a mentality that says "me me me" all the time. "Screw my kids, screw their needs I need a drink, a fix, a night out. Who cares how it affects them!" It's obvious that these kids who have been taken from their homes are damaged by this trauma and "broken". How can they trust another adult just because you say you are safe? Especially when some of the trauma came from supposed "safe" foster families. Maybe as the trend continues children are becoming more and more traumatized and now we are seeing more and more and more RAD. Whether a child gets FAS depends on the strength of the baby, how much the mother drinks and how often as well as the time frame in which she drank during pregnancy. Couldn't this be a similar situation for RAD, some kids are simply tougher than others. You, missy, got lucky, and so did your kids! Saying that because you haven't dealt with it so it doesn't exist is like saying I've never had a broken arm so I don't believe bones can break. Ignorant.

I guess my entire frustration with this is that we are all in this together. Does your child mad pee? Let's talk about options and what you've tried. Does your child bang their head on walls? Hey, what works for you to get them to stop? That's why I blog. I don't blog to bash someone else's child's diagnosis. I certainly wouldn't say that you wish for a diagnosis just to bring attention to yourself and say, "Hey look how broken my child is! I am a saint for taking this on!" That makes me ill. Funny, I find you judgemental and abrasive. I have however prayed for a diagnosis to get help and services my child needed. I rejoiced when Dustin got a low IQ score so that he qualified for special education services 100% of the time, and mourned when Anna did not. I wrote a whole post about wishing people would see my child as "broken" and understand his behavior similar to seeing a child in a wheelchair and understanding he cannot walk.

Knock off . . .

2011-06-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

My brother moved into a new apartment yesterday and my mom and I helped. It is a cute apartment and made me long for being single again . . . not really hubs! *wink* He mentioned needing some art for the living room and I told him I would make something.
I love this canvas from World Market. I like the color and the vertical lines in it. I also love polka dots so this fill that bill too. With a price tag of $129 I figured it would be fairly simple to recreate for much, much cheaper. I like the progression in this one of the colors, but I decided to make mine consistent colors across the whole painting.

I started with 2 16x 20 canvases that I bought at the Mart of Wallls for only $7.97. I bought some acrylic paint because I wasn't quite sure what I had at home and I didn't want to make another trip to the store. The paints were $1.27 a piece. I also used some circular pouncers that cost $3.97. I already had a brown paint pen at home, but you could easily do them stems with brown paint and a brush.

Obviously the first thing I did was draw the stems. I simply drew them with the paint pen. When I was done I went back and added some bulk to the stems and added a bit of a triangle at the tips. You can see the original lines on the right and the finished stems on the left in the picture below.

I did not want the colors pristine. I wanted the colors to be combinations and have some depth, so I simply worked them together while I was working. You will see the original colors squirted out in the first picture below and then the mess after I was finished painting. I didn't even wash my pouncer out between colors, I just added and added and got a mixed effect for the spots.

Here is the finished project as it is drying. I am pretty sure I an going to add a bit of an antiquing effect to the canvas so it is not sao white, but that frightens me! I am afraid I am going to ruin it so who knows. It depends on how brave I feel later.

Okay, so I went for it and tried to tame it down a bit. I used a tan paint I had and dipped a paper towel in it. I ran the papertowel through the water and squeezed it out into a container then I just wiped the papertowel on the canvas. I then took a dry towel and wiped over it all adding a bit more paint on the corners and edges.

Here she is. I am not sure you can see the antiquing, but it helped a lot! Not bad for under $20!

Downtown Saturday night...

2011-06-25T16:10:00.001-07:00

Standing up for yourself . . .

2011-06-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

My daughter is exposed to a couple kids who aren't always kind. It is difficult to teach her how to be assertive yet kind at the same time. I don't want my child being made fun of or mocked, but I also don't want her being one to do the same to another child. I don't think 2 wrongs make a right. I also don't want my child being the one who always runs to the adult without attempting to solve the problem herself.

I hope to teach my child to be out spoken. I want her to feel free to say things like, "You know, the way you are acting is not very nice." I want her to be able to tell people that it's okay if you don't like what I am wearing, I do. I want her to know it is okay to be different. I want her to feel good about herself and confident in her decisions no matter what others may say. I want her to be kind and considerate, but able to stand up for herself. If not, she will end up being a doormat who has no idea how to handle herself when she is wronged.

When I was a PreK teacher I had a philosophy about kids who did not play well together. It would be easy to say, "Just stay away from him" but that solves nothing. I made certain those children were in a small group together. I made sure those kids were on the same team in a cooperative game. I made sure that they learned how to work together. Now, I always made sure it was times when I could be right there, near them, guiding them and helping work through anything that came up because I am not totally stupid. Those kids may have never been the best of friends, but they learned that when they had to work together they could. It not only gave them skills to do this, but confidence that even if you don't like someone, you can work together. That is a particularly important skill as a adult.

My daughter was not very fond of her teacher this past year. To be honest, I was not either. She was very good at imparting skills to the class and did have a knack for teaching, but she did not let kids be kids. She seemed to squelch fun in the classroom. She did not seem to value kids for kids. My son had her a few years back. It would've been really easy for me to go in and request a change before school started, but I knew that it would be a good learning experience for my child to learn to behave and thrive in an environment that she would exactly care for. It is good a good life skill to learn. We may not always like our boss or our co-workers, but graciousness and kindness get us far in this world. And who knows maybe we can even make a difference in the way they view the world.

Those are the skills I hope to impart to my kiddos. I want them to be assertive and stand up for themselves, but I want the to do it in such a way that honors other people. I want them to know that most conflicts can be resolved peacefully. I want them to know that you don't have to agree with someone to respect them and their opinion. I don't want to think that they can come crying to mommy and I will rip them out of the situation without trying to make it work first just because I can.

I want them to know that we are all in this together . . . and that takes work.

Blessed . . .

2011-06-20T16:44:00.000-07:00

I am pretty blessed. I need to remind myself of that today. How you ask? Let me tell you (and more importantly remind myself) . . .
Harrison has a fabulous sense of humor. I love that he can find just about anything funny. He loves to see people laugh and he likes to be the one to put a smile on your face. He is brilliant and never ceases to amaze me with his intuitiveness. He is my snuggly child and I love the way he melts into me in the mornings as he struggles to wake up.
McCartney is very loving and loves me tons. (and reminds me several thousand times a day) She is kind and thoughtful, thinking of other people most of the time. She loves to shop and loves to find a bargain just like her mommy and Nonnie. She loves to write letters to people she loves and she makes sure that people feel special to her. She is my velcro child and I don't know what I would do without her stuck to me the vast majority of the day.
Dustin is very helpful around the house. He will do anything he is asked to do if he feels like he is being helpful. He likes to feel necessary. He is kind hearted and loving. He wants people to like him and he is polite and has really good manners. He has developed a sense of humor and uses sarcasm well. He loves to please and will do so as long as his impulses don't get the best of him (or thinks you are not looking).
Robert is a wonderful daddy. He is kind to the children and very forgiving of their faults. He is patient and listens to them no matter how long the story. He "gets" Dustin and his issues and doesn't let it get to him (or if he does he knows when to "tag" me). He is well aware of his own limitations and makes certain he is not in over his head. He puts up with all my OCD issues and will help with all my crazy projects when he is needed. He has learned that when something gets in my head, much like a freight train, there is no stopping it and has come to embrace it. (for the most part *wink*) He revels in his children and their desire for knowledge and fun.

Nonnie (my mom) is my best friend. No matter how much we butt heads, she loves me no matter what. She understands that I am a MICROWAVE and she is a CROCKPOT and humors my need for fast resolution when she can and helps me work through it when there is no quick fix. She loves me no matter how crazy I can get and she understands that sometimes I just get nuts and need have a good cry or a crazy vent and then it is better. I love to watch her with my kids and see the pure joy on her face as she loves on them. She is giving and kind and I hope that I make her proud in everything I do.
My Step-dad is an amazing man. He understands my kids and all their various issues. He is the kind of man who sticks by family til the end. He has welcomed my brother and I (and my family) into his own family as if we were his own. He loves us and prays for us and I know he will always be there for us. He is kind and gentle and loving. He is an amazing man and a wonderful husband to my mother (no matter how crazy she is at times, she is my mother after all *wink*)

I have a job that I love. I have a bit of flexibility which is important in a family like mine and I am blessed to work in an environment that celebrates the importance of family. I get to touch the lives of children and their families every day. They put their trust in us to care for their children when they are away and that is pretty important. The fact that we get to share the gospel with them and be an example of Jesus' love is icing on the cake.

Sometimes it helps to remember how very blessed you are. I have a rotten headache and am in a really bad mood today. . . this helps more than ibuprofen. Give it a try, I bet you will smile.

Cycling . . .

2011-06-18T19:12:00.000-07:00

We are cycling around these parts. Dustin had 4 FANTASTIC days of really great behavior and now he is on a cycle of sleeping about 16 hours a day. He is tired and moody. I said something to my mom and she reminded me that he does this in summer. I think the change in routine makes him cycle more frequently and I am pretty sure he was manic last week so now we are onto the depressive side of his mood disorder.
He is pretty compliant once I get him awake enough to function so all is well. I suppose when he is super sleepy we have less of a a chance of him running out!

In other news, I am in an air cast for a month! I have a really stubborn case of plantar's fascitis in my right foot. The doc wants me to constantly keep my foot flexed for a month to give it a change to heal. He thinks there may be a tear of the tendon. If this does not work I have to have surgery. I have 78 field trips this summer for my job! 78! Lugging around this boot is not going to be fun. He did say that I can take it off to swim which is a blessing since I do 4 swim trips a week at work. The bad news is that this means no Couch to 5K while I get this resolved . . . boo!

Gymnastics . . .

2011-06-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

McCartney has started her first gymnastics class. She is thrilled and she did a really nice job. My kids have never done any sort of lessons so this is all new territory for us. They are doing really well. I hope they continue to enjoy it and maybe feel a little more "normal". We have spent so many years just trying to hold the family together with all of Dustin's issues we have not done too many typical things. Hopefully this is just the beginning.

Tennis and ice cream . . .

2011-06-14T18:19:00.001-07:00

Harrison is taking tennis lessons this summer. Tonight was his first lesson so the whole family went to cheer him on. He did great! One of his instructors said he was a natural. I am happy he enjoyed himself. He looked awfully cute.

i

McCartney hung around in some trees . . .

Then we all went for some ice cream. . .

We had loads of fun!

Rules . . .

2011-06-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

I am a very rule oriented person. I think it is partially related to my OCD, and partially because my dad was a stickler for rules. I was raised to respect rules and follow them always. I was the kid that was no fun. I was the kid who said, "You aren't supposed to be doing that!"

We have a situation in our town that has got some people up in arms. A local high school graduate finished school early and went into the Marines. She recently finished boot camp and came back for graduation. The school district's policy is that all students must wear a cap and gown to take part in their graduation ceremony. She wanted to wear her dress blues. They said no. She decided to wear her dress blues and sit in the stands.

Military protocol says that her dress blues are fit for this type of ceremony. The district has rules.

I think the rule is that you wear a cap and gown to graduation. If you want to participate, you wear the cap and gown. If we let her wear dress blues everyone would want to wear something different. I agree that what she is doing is honorable. I don't think that a high school rule is more important than military protocol, I just think that rules of the event she is partaking in should be followed.

I don't mean to sound argumentative at all, my husband is a veteran and I am proud of his service, but I guess that my question is that if it is a rule, why should it be allowed to be broken? I get that she was proud, I'm sure her school was proud of her. I know her fellow students were proud of her, but why does that entitle her to any different treatment. It is not that I am against her or her wearing her uniform, I am just saying a rule is a rule. If they begin to add exceptions, then it just snowballs.

This same situation happened in Pennsylvania last week. Congressman Jason Altmire says that the Marines have told Starr not to wear her uniform. Marine higher-ups told Starr to follow orders and wear the cap and gown, enjoy herself and prepare to serve her country. The school said Tuesday that she could wear the uniform and she chose to wear the cap and gown.

What do you think?

I may be on to something . . .

2011-06-13T04:48:00.001-07:00

Dustin is constantly messing with our animals. He is particularly obsessed with the dogs. Yesterday, I was upstairs doing a project in the bathroom and I sent him downstairs for something. The dogs were in the hall because they prefer to be by me when he is around since he torments them. When he came back up the steps, my back was turned. My quiet dog, who never barks and is particularly mellow let out a very alarming couple of barks. It was the kind of barking you expect when someone is breaking into your house. I whipped around to see Dustin cowering at the door to the bathroom.

I asked him if that shocked him. He said yes. I asked why Cayenne was barking like that and he said he was coming up the stairs making an angry face. when I asked him to make it for me I realized why she was barking. He was bearing his teeth to her and looking pretty menacing. The bark alarmed me because I could hear the fear in her "voice". While I don't think she would ever hurt him, I know she felt threatened and was telling me about it.

We have talked a lot of times about the dogs and why we don't mess with them. We have explained that dogs cannot tell you to leave them alone, so they bite. We have tried and tried to get through to Dustin. It has not worked. He is constantly calling them to him and holding them even when they are done. He hits and swats at them as they walk by. He swings his feet under the table and kicks them. He grabs their tails. I don't think he is trying to hurt them, I just think he likes the sense of control he gets. He has to be constantly watched around the dogs as well as the cat and the birds. Yesterday I had an idea.

I took him downstairs and googled images of dog bites. I showed him what could happen if he is bitten by a dog who is provoked. He was visibly shaken. Later he did try to grab the smaller dog, Wiki. I asked him if he wanted to see pictures and he said, "That's only for big dogs" so I googled small dog bites and he learned that even small dogs can do quite a bit of damage.

He did not touch an animals the rest of the day. He did not even call one over to him in his chair. That my friends is PROGRESS!

Will it hold through to today? Who knows? Perhaps the visual will last for awhile and he will remember there are consequences to his actions.

The lawn . . .

2011-06-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. That is Underwear Boy mowing the lawn for the first time. Now, I have to tell you that I LOVE to mow the lawn! I love looking back and seeing the finished product and feeling a sense of accomplishment. It is a true love. I also think I like it so much because I do not have to hear whining, crying and arguing while I am mowing.

Today, Dustin asked if he could mow. He had been having a wonderful day so I agreed. While I understand he looks perfectly "normal" to most people, allowing a child who has no impulse control and an IQ under 50 to wield a piece of equipment that could cut his toes off if not careful was a bit daunting. (And don't look too carefully as he does not have shoes on! My dad would have a fit!) I stood right with him and held the cord. When I backed up to take this picture he ran over the cord! D'oh! He got lucky and it did not cut through. He did finish (and even do the abandoned house next door) with me next to him and he did a great job!

It's funny how the things that so many families take for granted are such an accomplishment for us! He was very proud of himself. And so was I.

2011-06-09T05:47:00.001-07:00

I have overtime this week so far. I don't usually put Dustin on the bus, his dad does. Today I am because Robert is dropping the littles off for me. This has been what I have been hearing for about 20 minutes. This is just the last 4 minutes or so.

You made me miss my bus.
It's never going to come.
I have to go to school!
Can you call the bus place and tell them to come back.
Oh my gosh! The bus is never cooooming.
Mooooooooom, the bus isn't here.
Mom, is it almost time?
I told you we were going to miss the buuuuuuuuuus.
I haffffffffffffff to go to schoooooooooooool.
Come on buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus. Commmmmmme get me.
Mom, I am mad at you the bus isn't coming.
Where is the buuuuuus?
Will you drop me off at school?
Mom, Mom, MOM, I hate you!
Mom, I love you will you take me to school?
Oh my goooooodnesss! Where is my BUS!
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh, I want my bus!
Holy Cow! My bus is late.
Mom, you made me miss my bus. My teachers are going to be mad at you.
I'm telling on you! Do you hear me?
Mom, Mom, Mom, you're ignoring me!
I hate you! I missssssed my buuuuuuuuuuuuus!
Mom, I hafto go to school today. My friend's will miss me.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh Busssssssssssssssss! Where are you? Come get meeeeeeeeee!
Mom, I am mad at you. you are going to jail.
Mom, Mom, Mom, are you listening. I'm telling my teacher on you!

Oh there it is! Nevermind, I love you have a good day mom!

The entire time I was just sitting here typing. If I said anything at all he would get more agitated. Lord, I could barely control myself. Help me.

Random Monday . . .

2011-06-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

I am doing the Couch to 5K progam. I started week one over this week because my mom is doing it with me. We look ridiculous, but we are moving!

I went to see a friend's band perform Saturday. I took McCartney because it was in a restarurant. She started getting all starry eyed and said the words every mother dreads . . . "Mommy, I like boys with guitars". Ack!! (like mother like daughter!)

I went the same night to see another band from Nashville. Their front man is a local guy. IT was a fun time. I love me some rock-a-billy on a Saturday night! Of course I took my camera and I had a fun night out.

We had another power outaga in my area last night. No storm, so it must have been a fluke. We are on one of the city's oldest grids. A few yeas back we had an awful summer where we were without power quite a bit. I cannot handle it! I hope this summer is not bad, I may have to runaway (definitely not in my underwear)

Perspective . . .

2011-06-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

It's all about perspective. I have a friend who is going through some mighty difficult things right now. It puts all the running that "underwear boy" does in perspective. It's rough, life altering stuff. I just have to phone the police, be embarrassed and do some chasing. It's all about perspective.

I read a blog post today from a momma who has a medically fragile child who is on a ventilator. They were getting ice cream yesterday and someone asked her "What's wrong with her?". She was angry that someone could be that rude. Of course there is nothing "wrong" with her child, but this lady was asking about her difficulties and why she is in a wheelchair hooked up to tubes and wires. There should've been a better way to ask without being so blunt. It might be easy for me to tell this mom to CHILL and get over it she will likely get this more than once, but I am not in her position. It is all about perspective.

In the same frame, it would be easy for her to tell me to CHILL about the running out that "underwear boy" does because at least my child can run and play and breath on his own. It's all about perspective.

Funny thing is, I always thought I would prefer my child to have a visible disability so people would know something is "wrong" with him or different about him, but perhaps that would change my perspective and I would like a hidden one.

Who knows? We have to live with what we are dealt with. It does make it easier to read about other people perspectives and take a look at our own positives and negatives and how they fit into the world around us. This makes us better people, more compassionate and willing to help others. This is what blogging and reading other blogs does for me.

For that I am thankful.

New blog . . .

2011-06-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

When the last Orlando retreat was over and Christine made that map of all of us trauma mommas, Kathleen Benckendorf decided to create some closed groups on facebook for people in our same states to connect. Fabulous idea!

I met an awesome momma named Becky who lives in the southern part of my state. She has started a new blog and you really should go on over and visit. Head on over to The Radical Life and give her some love. I promise you will not be disappointed.

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlando . . .

2011-06-01T06:51:00.000-07:00

I am here to announce that I am going to Orlando 2012.

Yep, that's right, I will be attending the Third Annual Early Trauma and Attachment Annual Meeting.

I did not think this was something I would ever do. This past month has been extremely difficult and I have received some very kind and encouraging words from some momma's around the blogosphere. I really NEED to see these women. I NEED to spend time with women who have read my malarky, cried tears with me, thought of us in difficult times, prayed for my family, and given so very much to their own families each and every day.

I spoke to the hubby last week and he told me to go.

He told me to run.

He told me to enjoy.

And I plan to.

I am staying in Enchanted Suites with the incomparable GB's Mom as our house mom. I can't hardly wait.

Are you going?

Wooohooo . . .

2011-05-31T15:12:00.000-07:00

I decided yesterday that I was going to do the Couch to 5K program. Today I actually completed day 1 week1. This one was a 5 minute walk then 90 seconds of walking followed by 60 seconds of jogging for the remainder. The workout was 29.5 minutes.

It was easier than I thought it would be. I was amazed at myself. It is 90 degrees outside and I didn't even need my inhaler. I am certain it was not pretty to see, but I DID IT!

I'm taking you along for the ride so I need some lovin'! :)

Amazing . . .

2011-05-30T17:57:00.000-07:00

So, the hubs and I went out this past Saturday. We did not tell the kids and Dustin and McCartney were asleep and in bed before my mom got here. Harrison is our night owl so he was still awake. He is really struggling with the turmoil that Dustin's issues bring so it was nice that he got some one on one time with his nonnie.

She came over with her laptop and Frosty's for her and Harrison at about 9:00pm. We got her online, and showed her how the alarm system that alerts you to when Dustin leaves his bedroom worked and we headed out.

We had a great time watching a friend's band. I am trying to build some business for my photography so I asked if I could shoot some pictures. I am learning how to shoot in low light, but I was pleased with some of the pictures I shot. (tips and critiques are always appreciated)

We returned home shortly after midnight. Dustin had not gotten up one time, which lead me to an amazing plan. This was the first time my husband and I had been out together without children in well over a year. A year people! I have decided that since this worked so well we are going to try to go out once a month. I figured since we had such a great time seeing our friend's band we would try next weekend! Woot! Two times in two weeks . . . unheard of!

I posted a request on facebook today and a friend led me to a young man who is coming next weekend. We shall see if this is a good plan or not. We will only be about 10 minutes from home so if all hell breaks loose we will be fairly close.

Wish me luck!

Ssshhhhh . . . .

2011-05-28T16:38:00.000-07:00

Don't tell the kiddos, but I am having a date with the hubby tonight. I say Woooooo the the Hoooooo! You all know how much we desperately need this! We have not had a night out without the children in well over a year. I am thrilled.

We are going to see a friend's band play at a local bar and grill. Rumor has it, my hubby has been asked to sing a song or two. It will be awesome. I haven't seen my husband on stage in a long time! I know we will have a good time!

The storm . . .

2011-05-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

While I know it is all relative and many people are having hard times lately, whether it be financially, their trauma-kiddos, or the recent tornadoes across the nation, it's been pretty rough in my world. That is not a secret (because I do air my dirty laundry out for all to see . . . and one boy who shall remain nameless runs down the street in some of it!)

Today there were storms predicted all day. The storms were pretty intense this morning around these parts and I went out to run an errand at lunchtime. The storms had broken and there was a gorgeous sunny and warm day underneath. It was awesome. Had I not just stepped in a puddle that cleared the top of my sandal and soaked my feet, I may not have even known a rough storm just blew through.

They are saying that these storms will likely last through the evening and even have the possibility to spawn some tornadoes in our area. It could get ugly. It might be a rough night.

But right now . . . I choose to be thankful for the sunshine.

I think about how that mirrors the life we are living with a child with very specific needs like ours. He is organically affected by his mother's prenatal alcohol abuse. He is emotionally affected by the early trauma he experienced in his bio-home as well as with the many moves he experienced in foster care. Which one of us wouldn't be?

He has cycles of really rough behavior and then just when you think you cannot handle anymore . . .

Just when you think that the raging will destroy you, your family, and the life you live . . .

Just when you think that you are unable to maintain any sort of normalcy . . .

The sun breaks through.

It could be the behaviors diminish. It could be your way of thinking changes, his behaviors mellow due to your attitude shift, and you are better equipped to deal with the behaviors that linger. It could be that you talk to some heavenly women who are traveling this path with you and you get filled up to the point of overflowing with kind gestures, words and encouragement. It could be that you just put on your big girl panties and learn that this too shall pass and the storm will subside (even for a bit) and give you a chance to breath in the fresh air and soak in the sunshine.

Even though you know what COULD be around the corner. What could be blowing in from the west could have a horrendous impact on you and your family. But being able to have those few moments of sun can help fend off the worst of it. And perhaps it may just blow over altogether and you get a reprieve . . . until next time.

And you will deal with that when it comes.

Help me Lord . . .

2011-05-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

Dustin went back on his full dose of Abilify this morning. He is much happier. He is less impulsive.

The constant chatter is back FULL FORCE. He absolutely cannot control sounds from coming out of his ever-loving mouth. He is talking NON STOP, making no sense, making fart noises, saying "Did you hear me?" every fifteen seconds, repeating what everyone says.

Don't get me wrong. I will take this over the running out and hitting me anytime. But my ears are already tired and I have only been home one hour.

Anyone else notice this with Abilify? Or am I just lucky?

Just to clarify, I will welcome this with open arms if the underwear boy stops his daily trek out into the wide world.

Crispy . . .

2011-05-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

Just when you think that you cannot handle anymore, God tends to throw you what you need. I received several life preservers this morning in the form of emails and facebook messages.

I can keep doing this. So many are travelingthe same road. So many have gone before and paved the way. It may have been paved with blood, sweat and tears, but it is still paved.

It may be hard and ugly, but it is what I am called to do.

My new favorite motto is: I can do this... even if I get a lil singed on the edges! Afterall - it is the "crispy" ones that are the best

I should not say it . . .

2011-05-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have been blogging for nearly 6 years. I have gone through spurts where I blog numerous posts daily to only posting weekly. Sometimes I think no one is reading these and I should just stop and other times I don't care who is reading because I need this place to vent. Sometimes I worry about saying too much and other times I think I need to be honest for others who are going through the same thing. Sometimes I think what I am writing is falling on deaf ears, and then I get a fabulous comment that makes it all worth it.

Today is a day I really should not be blogging. I have a lot of things I really should not say.

I should not say that sometimes (especially after a weekend where he ran out 3 times) that I really don't want to be around my child. I should not say that it is hard. I should not say that I blame his birth mother for mucking up his whole existence and sometimes I hate her for it. I really should not say that although I love him to pieces and would not ever change the fact that we adopted him that I wonder what our life would've been like had we not.

I should not say that I hate my house. I hate plumbing issues. I hate the fact that we live paycheck to paycheck. I should not say that although I love my job and feel it is my calling that the pay rates SUCKS. I should not say that I envy those who do not have to worry about money and paying bills.

I should not say that I really want to crawl into bed and sleep for about 5 days straight. I should not say that I couldn't care less if my children eat chocolate cake for breakfast and wear the same clothes to school for 5 days if I could just sleep. I should not say that the husband should take care of things so I could just clock out for 5 days and do nothing. (mostly because then he would want a turn!)

What should you not say?

Again? Seriously . . .

2011-05-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

I am sure you are sick and tired of hearing about our trials with the running. Personally I am tired of living with it. I feel like I need to document it, so if you want you can totally skip this post, however, we did get a very big gift this morning in the shape of a possible "community" that I will talk about too.

I woke this morning with an awful migraine. I used to LIVE with migraines from the time I was 10 until about 10 years ago when I went on a preventative. I went from having 4-5 a week to having maybe one a month. I have been having them with much more frequency and I hope it is stress related or linked to my back injury. I really don't want to go back to having them so often. Anyway, I stayed in bed to try to sleep off the migraine and Robert and all the kids went downstairs.

About an hour later Robert burst into the room and said he had to chase Dustin because he took off again, in his underwear. I could hardly believe it. This was the third time in as many days. I got dressed and headed downstairs.

We have a new set of neighbors that live next door. Until now we have only seen glimpses of them since they moved in during the winter months. They have a boy who visits every other weekend who is super polite and a really good kid who comes over to our yard and plays with my littles. I knew that any parent who had a child this pleasant had to be "good people". The mom was standing at my door when I came downstairs.

She told me that he husband and son were helping Robert chase him. She said she could tell we were stressed and that she wanted to help. She asked if her son could help entertain Dustin some days. I told her that she needed to rest of the story and she said she understood. She said, "I can see he is not normal, honey, he is running in his underwear!" We laughed. She said, "Honey my son is 22 years old and has a passion for helping others. He works third shift and I know he would help you out by playing games with your boy." I nearly started crying. This family really knows nothing about us and they were concerned about us. She was concerned with our stress level. She kept saying, "we need to get YOU some help." It was sweet. They said to come get them every time he runs.

The best part is that this family is african american and Dustin has always been extra-respectful to african americans. When he came to us he was fearful of them due to his prior family's misconceptions, and we have worked hard to change that. I think his initial fear has turned to cautiousness.

They caught Dustin at the end of our block. Scarily, he was trying to walk off the path that heads directly to the riverbank. They hollered for me and I walked my underwear-clad child home.

This is tiring. This is embarrassing. Perhaps we have a community who is willing to help, we can hope.

Rough day . . .

2011-05-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

Today was not good. Dustin was off from the minute he got up in the morning. I tried loving on him for a bit this morning, but he was combative. I knew it was going to be ugly. When I left the house to go to the fabric store he took off. He was unseen for close to an hour. Usually when he runs he is easily spotted as he juts all over the neighborhood. Today he hid. We called the police after about 45 minutes. They had to chase him and tackle him again.

At least this time he had clothes on.

I don't know how we are going to make it through the summer.

Finishing the porch . . .

2011-05-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

I decided last week that I wanted to paint the trim on the porch. I chose a soft sage green and an even lighter color of the same swatch. What a pain! I have about 60 feet of railings. Ugh. I finished on Thursday evening and I had some touch up to do today.

I deiced our old table needed some love. I went and picked out some outside fabric and considered making a tablecloth. I knew it would drive me nuts if it was always hanging crooked. The kids play on the porch a lot and I knew it would be crooked a lot so I thought about making on that is fitted.
First, I brought the table inside. I laid the fabric out upside down and flipped the table upside down on top of the table, on top of the fabric. I cut about 4-6 inches from the edge of the table.
Then I pinned the fabric around the circle so that I could sew a channel in it.
I tucked as I went along so the channel was pretty uniform.

I put elastic in the channel and sewed the ends together making something that looks like a giant shower cap.
I used the remainder of the fabric to cover two outside pillows I had already. I simply sewed an envelope slip cover and tucked the old ones inside.

Cute huh?

Thoughts for Friday . . .

2011-05-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

What is with all this rain? I am about done with it and my grass is going to reach my armpits before I get to mow it.

Dustin ran out again yesterday. This time he was fully clothed. Robert chased him on our moped and he finally came over to him. Robert took him to Dairy Queen for complying. I hope we havn't started something, but he already runs out so maybe this will help. I have a feeling we are gonna need stock in ice cream.

I signed Harrison up for tennis lessons. We have never really done anything like this with the exception of a horrible experience with T-ball. We shall see if he likes it.

I signed McCartney up for gymnastic classes. She is the klutziest kid on the planet. This should be interesting. She will however rock the leotards and the hairbows!

I finished painting the trim on my front porch this week. What the heck was I thinking? That was a lot of work. It did however give me a break each night from the children and my porch looks great. Sorry hubby.

My crazy summer starts in a few weeks. I will be doing 2 field trips each day with the exception of Wednesday mornings. That means 9 field trips a week! Fun times. Busy, but still fun.

EPS . . .

2011-05-16T17:14:00.000-07:00

I was asked after the last post about EPS. EPS is extrapyramidal symptoms. It is a reaction to anti-psychotic medication. The first medication Dustin had a reaction to was trileptal. He broke out in a massive rash. He was fine in the morning when we sent him to school and within an hour or arriving he was covered in a rash from head to toe. The nurse said you could actually watch it grow. It was freaky. This was after about a week on the medication. It is unclear as to whether the reaction would've gotten worse and developed into EPS. We gave him Benadryl immediately and for about 5 days after and he never took it again.

The next reaction was to Trazadone. After he had been taking it about 4 weeks he began to have problems with him bottom jaw. I thought it was simply a tic and had become a habit. Within a few days he was slobbery and talking funny. He complained of a sore throat and he talked like he had strep throat. A cough started so we gave cough medicine. That Thursday at school (he was attending an alternative school on the campus where his former psychiatrist was) they called the psychiatrist over to the school because he was complaining of his neck hurting. At this time NO ONE told me this was a group of dangerous side effects called EPS. They just said he was having a reaction. The doc gave him Cogentin and said it would get better.

By Friday he was a bit better physically but he was very paranoid and very distracted. He kept looking up to the place where the ceiling meets the wall. He was not sleeping. The p-doc visited with him at school again and upped the Cogentin, still leaving him on the Trazadone.

By Saturday morning we were in deep. His neck was so wore he could not move his head downward. He was constantly looking up. He was displaying Dyskinesias, Akathisia and Dystonia.

Dyskinesias are movement disorders and can include any of a number of repetitive, involuntary, and purposeless body or facial movements like :

Tongue movements, such as "tongue thrusts" or "fly-catching" movements
Lip smacking
Finger movements
Eye blinking
Movements of the arms or legs

He was doing ALL of these. He had no idea he was doing them. He was clueless. You could tell him to stop and he would just say what and keep doing it.

Akathisia is an extreme form of internal or external restlessness. It may be a complete inability to sit still, with an urge to be moving constantly. I think this was why he was unable to sleep. I have been told that this can lead to suicide because it is so unbearable.

Dystonia is a muscle tension disorder involving very strong muscle contractions. These uncontrollable muscle contractions can cause unusual twisting of parts of the body, especially the neck. The condition can be extremely painful and can affect any part of the body, including the eyes. He would be totally okay then he would look like he was having a seizure. He would just start jerking his shoulder or his leg or his arm. It was frightening.

It was so bad, my mom came and took him to her house so we could have a break. While there he started have awful hallucinations. He was saying that "they" were coming from the ceiling. By about 9:00 at night he was screaming and running saying that the demons were coming to get him. He was pointing and screaming. At this point he had not slept in about 56 hours. My mom called scared. I came over and we took him to the ER. They admitted him and we removed him from the Trazadone. It took 3 days in the hospital and lots of shots of Geodon to dope him up while his body recovered.

He has had a few other instances of this reaction. The first time he had the reaction I called our current psychiatrist (who was new to us at the time) and told him that we had this happen before. He called it EPS and had me immediately remove him from the med. He told me that if we ignored the reaction it could be very dangerous. One time it happened in the psych hospital and I noticed it while visiting. Two other times we had recently had a dosage increase and reverting to the old dosage worked to stop the EPS. He has a very touchy system and dosage increases have to be done very small. I am thankful that our psychiatrist understands this and is super careful.

Scary stuff.

Thank Goodness for meds . . .

2011-05-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

Shortly after we came home from Florida we had to remove Abilify from Dustin's medication regimen. I have never thought that his Abilify was particularly helpful anyway so I was okay with it. Our state-sponsored insurance in Indiana is FABULOUS. I have very little to complain about in that area of our lives. The kicker is that a portion of psychotropic drugs need a prior authorization. Meaning that your doctor has to provide documentation that the meds your child needs once or twice a year is necessary. It is a tedious process for the psychchiatrists office who is already receiving payment at a reduced rate. They will not cover two meds that do the same thing without a bit of difficulty.

Dustin's system is very sensitive when to comes to upping dosages on medication. He develops EPS very quickly and it can be life threatening. For this reason, he is on Chlozaril and Abilify. Both are anti-psychotics for his schizophrenia. I did not think dropping the Abilify would make a huge difference.

Boy was I wrong.

Last week we went back on the Abilify at a half dosage. I had a bit leftover from a previous refill. I wanted to try going back on it since we were having such a HORRID time of it lately. I wanted to see if it was a typical cycle of rotteness or if it was truly the lack of Abilify. Within 2 days we knew the verdict. He was back to "normal". He basically stopped the UGLINESS we had been seeing and reverted back to the normal ugliness that we are used to dealing with. He has stopped yelling and has not had to be restrained since we restarted it. I couldn't be more pleased.

Robert took him to the doctor last week and they are going to begin the process to get it approved. I am thankful for a doctor who is willing to do this. I am pleased that his behavior is changed a bit for the better. I know this means he is feeling a bit better in his own skin too.

Just like chemo can cure a person's cancer, psychotropic medications can be lifesavers.

Bathroom redo . . .

2011-05-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

Wednesday afternoon I came home from work and walked toward the kitchen. I stopped in the dining room to talk to the hubby and I felt a "plunk" on my arm. I happened to be directly under our upstairs bathroom. We have had major issues with that bathroom over the years and have had to rip the ceiling out a couple times so now we have a panel up there covering the hole. I ran upstairs just to make sure the water had not been left on, but no such luck.

At this point there was just a small little drip forming on the panel, but I knew it was not good. I unscrewed the panel and it dumped a couple cups of water on the floor that had been storing up there. Oh no.

Thanks for the power of facebook, I had just found out that a friend was a plumber and has his own business. I messaged him and he said he would be out on Friday morning. I stuck a bucket under the drip and tried to forget about it. Since it was coming from a supply line it was pretty consistent, but it was not very heavy.

Here's where my OCD comes into play. I could not sleep. I kept thinking that the supply line would just let loose and flood the downstairs. So I laid in bed thinking of projects to do! When I was pregnant with Harrison we had some problems with that same bathroom. The floor around the toilet had rotted and had no DIY skills back then. I took a 3x3 foot piece of plywood and simply put it on the floor. I didn't cut out the bad stuff, I just went over the top of it. So there was a little step up to our toilet. It has bugged me for years, but I have never wanted to attempt fixing it. Until 5am on Thursday morning, then I could think of nothing else! (my mind is a scary place! LOL) When I get something in my head, it must be done and done NOW.

I decided that we (my husband loves me!) would take on this project Thursday after work. We would, remove the trim, remove the toilet, rip up the current floor, place the bad spot, re-vinyl the floor, and reset the toilet. Easy peasy! I figured if I screwed anything up I would have a plumber there the next morning to fix it for me.

I would've taken before pictures, but I just couldn't bring myself to show you the nastiness of my bathroom. This is bad enough. You must remember I live in a 120+ year old fixer upper.

This was after the trim and old floor was removed. I had already patched the floor (a huge piece of almost 2ftx3ft). I was about 1/2 way into the project at this point and just past the "What the heck was I thinking" part. I made a template of the entire floor with newspapers. I have neer done this, but I have seen it on HGTV (my old favorite show Decorating Cents) and filed it away in brain for future use. Note to self: next time don't skimp on the tape.

Then I took the template downstairs and laid out the vinyl remnant I got for half price (woot). I traced around my template with a marker and cut the vinyl with an exacto knife (scissors work too). I then took vinyl upstairs and simply laid it on the subfloor. I did have a cut some areas a bit more carefully upstairs, but all in all it only took about a half hour to install the vinyl. I love the no-glue Dupont vinyl they stock at lowes. This one was originally 11.28 a linear foot and the rolls are 12 foot long. Really inexpensive and super DIY friendly.

I had some white quarterround trim before, but I like it chunkier. I simply used 1x3's. I did not even miter them. I will caulk and paint them later. I need to refresh some wall paint in certain places too.

I still need to caulk around the tub, that lovely blue monster is my fabulous cast iron tub. It really needs resurfaced, but she is a beauty!

While I would love my bathroom to be perfect with awesome materials, that is not my life. For instance, that awful vanity really needs a home in the dump! I have realized that I can only do so much and I find ways to make do with what I have and what I can afford. In the end, I think it turned out fabulously!

On to the porch . . . the husband doesn't know it, but he's gonna help me paint . . .

Blow out . . .

2011-05-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a bad night. I came home from work and immediately started mowing the grass before it rained. Dustin had to go get his every-two-weeks blood work and he was in a foul mood. Robert took him and he came home in a worse mood.

I came in from the yard work and took a quick shower, then began to work on dinner. Robert started the dishes and asked Dustin to dry them (which is ALWAYS his job) he refused. He refused. He just stood there staring at Robert. He calmly said, "Come on. Grab your towel and dry the dishes bud." I came out of the shower and he was standing there with his arms crossed and a foul look on his face. I said, "It's okay, I will dry them for you since you are grumpy." I thought he could use a break and adjust his attitude. He flipped the heck out!

He began kicking at me and trying to run from me. We have a 2/3 door in the kitchen and I pulled the lock closed. I asked him to take of his clothes, which typically stops him from running. He started flailing and kicking me. I had my hand on the waist band of his pants because he was trying to run out the back door. He was twisting and hurting fingers. I asked him to stop. He was out of control. He was hitting and trying to hurt me. Typically he doesn't really try to hurt me, he just flails. He ran to where Robert was and started hitting and kicking him. I was trying to get him in a hold and I couldn't really get a grip on him. I got him to the floor and got him into a bit of control. I asked him to go sit on the stool and settle down and he tried to hid between the wall and fridge still screaming at me. He ran into the laundry room and was throwing his sister's shoes at me. I stood my ground and gave him the "stink eye" and he stopped. He is still pretty afraid of me, so I think I still have the upper hand. He settled down after about a total of 15 minutes from start to finish.

The whole time he was yelling, "You hate me" and "You don't want me to live here" and the ever present "I should've said no!" (talking about when he said he wanted to be adopted to the judge) All this because I decided to dry the dishes for him because he didn't want to.

I have dealt with lots of fits and many, many restraints of the course of life with Dustin, but this one was U-G-L-Y. It kinda scared me. I could still handle him because although he is as tall as I am, he is scrawny and I am a big girl! I don't really recoil when he hits me (except when he slammed his elbow in my boob! OUCH! which I think was accidental) I have worked in daycare for 21 years and I have had my fair share of being spit at, kicked, hit, etc. But he was actually trying to inflict harm tonight and that is new.

I am tired, and my boob hurts! My back hurts and my hand hurts where it got twisted in his waistband. The sucky part is that within about 5 minutes he is fine. Once he is calm he thinks all is well. He holds no grudges. He thinks that once he is over it everyone else should be too and that is disconcerting. I hate it.

He wanted to hug me about 6 minutes after he was hurting me. I struggle with telling him no and explaining that people don't want to be around people who act like that and understanding that is how his very childish mind works. Do I hug him and reaffirm that I still love him no matter what, or do I say "later" and explain why? Thoughts?

Our miracle . . .

2011-05-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

Harrison and my mom, his Nonnie.

We celebrated my baby boys NINTH birthday on Friday night with a trip to our local Japanese hibachi place. I was thrilled when he picked that particular restaurant because we hadn't been there for a while. I had had a rough day and it was perfect end to an otherwise craptastic day. He is a joy. He is our miracle child. I love my boy!

For those of you who don't know our story, I had tried to get pregnant for several years. The reason I have a son and a daughter today is due to an eye exam. You see, my husband went to get an eye exam since we had brand spankin' new insurance (which we had not had for many years). While there, the optometrist noticed a problem with his peripheral vision. She suggested we go see a neurologist. I thought she was crazy. A neurologist? We ignored her recommendation for several months. My husband began noticing that he really was struggling with his peripheral vision and thought we should schedule an appointment with an actual ophthalmologist. We did, and he said, "You need to see a neurologist right away. I think you may have a brain tumor."

We of course freaked out. It just so happens that ALL the neurologists in Fort Wayne are in the same group and they did not take our insurance. We scheduled an appointment in Kokomo (about an hour away) for the same week. He did some tests and said he thought that Robert had a tumor on his pituitary gland. An MRI confirmed it later that week.

The next week we were in Indianapolis meeting with a neuro-surgeon. It just so happened that he was the pioneer of the surgery for this particular problem that allowed them to remove the tumor without opening the skull. It was pretty amazing. Robert was his last patient. We had the man who pioneered the surgery AND his man who was taking over his practice as his doctors. We were blessed. The surgery was scheduled for the following week.

I remember standing in the doctor's office and telling him about our difficulty in getting pregnant. He said that since the pituitary gland regulates hormones it was likely that while Robert was creating "swimmers" they we probably not fertile. He said it that was our problem, I would be pregnant by Christmas. I was pregnant by August. The removed two tumors the size of walnuts off Robert's pituitary gland and he had a quick 4 week recovery.

It was a blessing that all this happened at the perfect time. We had new insurance which had awesome coverage. The surgery cost nearly $200,000 and we ended up paying $100 out of pocket. We were irritated with the neurologists in our city not being covered and we ended up with the best man in the country to perform the surgery. AND we got our babies out of the deal!

It matters to this one . . .

2011-05-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

I have to force myself to stay away from the post I spoke about earlier in the week that was posted on Babble about it being okay to drink while pregnant. I want to rip my own head off my shoulders. But the most wonderful things happened this morning.

I receieved a comment on that post from a mother who also respectfully disagreed with the author. She is an adopted mother. Here is part of the comment she left for me. . .

I was actually directed to your blog from Monica's post. I love reading her blog but I must respectfully disagree with putting the word out for others that it is OK to drink during pregnancy. The reason I am here is that I have an adopted son whom I have always thought had problems related to his birth mother's extreme use of crack cocaine during the first trimester (she was incarcerated during the final months--thank God!)
...

Apologies for the length of this post. I appreciate the knowledge that I know this blog will provide. I have been looking for something like this for a long time. So, although Monica has lost a reader, you have gained one! Thank you and I look forward to becoming a regular reader.

Absolutely made my day! Welcome Sue!

Yearly IEP . . .

2011-05-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I attended Dustin's yearly IEP meeting. I expected it to be fairly uneventful and for the most part it was.

There was one thing that disturbed me about the meeting. Dustin's para-professional ( his 1:1 aide) mentioned that she would like us to address the poking issue. Dustin tends to poke people when he wants their attention. He drives my mother nuts with it when he first sees her, but a couple firm redirections and it stops right away. He no longer pokes me because I don't allow it.

I turned to Dustin and addressed it. She said it was "real bad". I told her I knew what she meant and that he used to do that to me but I put a stop to it. She said, "How?" I wanted to say "Because I am the adult and I told him no in no uncertain terms to touch me like that." but I was kinder and told her I just put my foot down about it. Then she began to talk about all the ways he touches her. She said that he rubs her arm and her shoulder. She said he likes to put his arm around her when they walk down the hall and that he rests his head on her shoulder when he doesn't want to do work or when he is in trouble. She also told me that he tends to pet her shoulder when he is done eating and is waiting for the lunch hour to be over so much so that he gets food on her clothing everyday. This apparently has been going on for a LONG time and I was never made aware of it. The teacher had no idea how bad it was either.

I was appauled. I turned to Dustin and raised my voice giving him the business right there in the assistant principles office. I told him that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is he to touch her again. I said, "She is not your friend, your mother or in your family. You are her job. She is your boss and you may not EVER touch her." She began back-peddaling saying she was his friend. I said, "I understnd you care about him, but you are not friends. He needs to treat you with the respect of an authority figure." I was fuming angry.

I am not in any way insinuating that she was being inappropriate. She was frustrated with the behavior as well. But OH MY GOODNESS allowing that behavior to continue for all this time is just unacceptable. We have had many conversations with the staff about attachment issues and getting "too close" to others outside of the family, and she didn't think telling me this was a good idea? For all these years?

Seriously. Should I even have to have this conversation?

All I know is it better stop. No hugs. No "petting" no touching her period. The kid has to have limits. Boundaries have not been set and it will be difficult to fix that, but it better be done.

Anyone else think that this could be part of the problem we are seeing at home with some attachment issues? Him not wanting to "live in this house" and him always saying, "I wish you didn't adopt me" are coming from something and I am wondering if it is partially from the attachment he feels with her. Ya think?

You must be joking . . .

2011-05-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately she is not.
I was directed to a blog about a week ago by the lovely and talented Mamapundit and I have enjoyed reading Monica's posts. Today she posted an article for Babble in which she says drinking occasionally while pregnant is okay. The Girl Who has lost this reader forever! For all that is holy, spend one HOUR with my son and tell you you want to take that risk for your precious babies!

Her premise is you COULD drink a bit while pregnant and you COULD get a perfectly fine child. My premise is, you COULD stab yourself in your pregnant belly and your child COULD totally be fine, but why would you take that chance?

She says "Come give me The Business. Or save me from The Business I'm about to get from a lot of folks." I gave her the business. It was respectful too. (shocker I know!) Head on over and do so, of course if you have high blood pressure you may not want to read all the other commenters. I kinda threw up in my mouth a bit.

Just a thought. . .

2011-05-01T21:48:00.000-07:00

Probably not something that is of supreme interest to others who read this blog, but I feel like venting here so I will.

While I think that what the special forces troops accomplished in finally finding Osama Bin Laden and while I think he is a horrid man and really needs to stand and answer for his crimes, I find it distasteful that we as a country are rejoicing in his death.

I got into a conversation on a friend's facebook page about this. She had posted a quote from Pope John Paul II who was recently beautified. It said, "Forgiveness is above all a personal choice, a decision of the heart to go against the natural instinct to pay back evil with evil."

This actually puts into words what I was thinking tonight. While I am pleased that this part of our history has been concluded, I find it a bitter pill that we are rejoicing in a death. It is not sitting well with me, even within myself. I have no problem celebrating our troops and their accomplishment. Something within me just gives my spirit a check that we are celebrating a death. But I suppose it is also why I am anti-death penalty.

I was asked "What is odd about celebrating the death of a man who wants to kill you ALL and your children???" And I answered, "The celebrating part." I am not celebrating. I'm not mourning, but I am not celebrating.

"We can no longer afford to worship the god of hate or bow before the altar of retaliation. The oceans of history are made turbulent by the ever-rising tides of hate. And history is cluttered with the wreckage of nations and individuals that pursued this self-defeating path of hate." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Just a thought, I welcome your opinions, they will be respected.

Avoidance . . .

2011-04-30T19:08:00.000-07:00

When life gets hard I craft. I don't do anything in depth or fabulous, but I feel the need to create something. Life's been pretty rough and I needed a creative outlet today. I planted some more flowers, and got the garden planted after doing the entire front yard, the front bushes and the lawn of the vacant house next door last night.

We ran some errands tonight and Robert got a new mouse pad. He had been using a really crappy freebie from the National Guard that Dustin got when he was talked to by a recruiter from school. If you missed the rant that happened after that incident when my special needs child was told "He can aim good" you can find it here. I use my laptop on a cute little drop leaf end table I got out of someone's trash. I do not have a mousepad, I decided to give the old freebie a second life.
Here's the mousepad (you can tell it is thin, I am not certain a thicker one would work. I picked out a birdie fabric that I got in a fat quarter clearance pack.

I think that spray adhesive would work well, but I have a long history of bad luck with spray adhesive so I don't even have any on hand. I figured I would try to sew it on and see what happened. The presser feet fed the rubber backing through nicely.

Here was my first row. You can see I pinned the fabric at the edges.

I did 3 rows of stitches all the way around the edges and the fabric still moved around a bit in the middle so I did a row of stitches down and across the center. I then ran some fray check around the edges. I am not sure it was necessary, but I did it anyway.

There she is. Brand new mouse pad for Momma! (and an outlet for the crazies happening around here)

Ugly . . .

2011-04-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

I need some help. Since we have been home from Florida, Dustin has this immediate ugliness that rears it's head when he is asked anything. I not even talking about a chore. It can be something as simple as "Hey Buddy! How was your day?" He responds with a nasty, spit out comment. He is grouchy all. the. time. I have no idea how to deal with it.

Perhaps it is because he is on a "short leash" due to the Great Underwear Incident of April 2011 . Perhaps it is the bedroom switcheroo. Perhaps it is the medication change where we dropped a seemingly unnecessary medication. Perhaps it is the addition to his "family" with the fake baby at school. All of these things happened recently, but I am fairly certain this was happening prior to all this.

I think it could be the let-down after a particularly good vacation where he was separated from his siblings each night while they were at grandma's. He got pretty much full attention and got to do things he really enjoys daily. I think he may be bucking the system of normal. Hey, if I could live at the beach everyday I would too! I think this combined with be a TEENAGER is really messing with his hormones and his attitude. School has been particularly bad recently as well.

Yesterday we decided that playing with his Nintendo keeps him occupied and happy so we would allow him the break he needed to play it and keep busy. I don't know what else to do right now. He has to re-set himself somehow and get back into his routine. Lord knows I cannot do this through the summer.

I have to get past this ugliness somehow.

Burning Desire . . .

2011-04-27T16:24:00.000-07:00

I have a desire. Maybe lots . . .

A desire to sleep through the night without children's knees in my back.

A desire to not have to have my child 2 feet from me every moment he is home and awake.

A desire to sit down and enjoy a dinner without getting a new fork, another napkin, more drink, and without saying "Keep your hands out of your sister's ear please."

A desire to spend an evening at home without constant chatter.

A desire to sleep as late as I want and wake without people poking me in the forehead and asking me for food.

Just once.

:)

Choosing . . .

2011-04-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

Obviously it has been a little rough around these parts lately. Last night Harrison had a meltdown at the book fair at daycare. It was ugly. He was tired because he did not sleep well Sunday night. McCartney was grouchy and angry. I took a step back and realized the stress in the house is affecting us all.

I need to be the adult and pull on by big girl panties. I HAVE to make this change. This morning was good. The kids all slept well and they were pretty pleasant. I changed my attitude this morning and things went much more smoothly.

I know that sometimes it's hard to live with kids like ours. I know it gets to us. We have to cut ourselves some slack, but the time comes when it is our job to change it up. Today was my time.

Will tonight be good? Who knows.

Will I do my darnedest to make it better by changing ME? Yes. Because we all know I can't change him.

I can only control myself.

The GOOD does come with the BAD and the UGLY . . .

2011-04-23T10:19:00.001-07:00

I have been complaining a lot about Dustin and our life lately. I dawned on my this morning that I have not really been portraying him fairly. It is of course annoying to deal with these issues every day, but there are those positive times peppered in there as well.

Today is a gorgeous day. I got up early when I really wanted to sleep as long as possible. I took the littles to Lowes Build and Grow and found some lovely clearance annuals. I came home, planted them and power washed the front porch and siding. It has definitely lifted my mood having a springy, clean front porch.

While I was working, Dustin was fabulous. He is usually very good if given jobs constantly. As long as I can find something for him to do that he thinks is essential then he is happy. I can usually switch his mood by asking him to do something for me around the house even if it is picking something up off the floor. He helped me clear the porch and squeegie the windows, then we helped me put all the stuff back.

I am thankful for the GOOD today.

Oh hell no . . .

2011-04-22T17:31:00.000-07:00

Dustin was very off today. He was irritated that there was no school due to Good Friday. He hates having his schedule messed up and he hates missing school even more. Both of those things made him very on edge and looking for a fight.

He irritated everyone around him today trying to get a rise out of them. For instance, after seeing one of those annoying Aflac commercials on TV, he must have said "Aflac" 300 times while we were all trying to concentrate on something. Ignoring did not work. He kept it up for about 10 minutes. It sucked. Trying to keep a child like this on a "short leash" is not fun. I have a wicked headache from all the issues today and I hurt my lower back trying to restrain him twice today. (I hurt my back a few months ago getting out of the car. You know you are old when you hurt your back getting out of a car.) Needless to say, we did not make it to the Good Friday church service this afternoon.

At one point, he ran into the other room (which is connected by a large arch) and said, "Moooomm. Commmmme ooonnnnn." and when I looked at him he was holding a bat in one hand and hitting it in the the other. It would've looked pretty threatening if you didn't know that it was a collapsible, plastic bat and that he couldn't hit the side of a barn with a missile. He did take a swing at McCartney, but she just tried to grab it out of his hands. He went running into the kitchen, still holding the bat yelling, "Help me Mom! She's gonna hurt me!" I had to hear about how he "doesn't want to live here", that he wished he was "never adopted", and he wants to go to "kid jail" for about 30 minutes while I fixed dinner. The whole thing was ridiculous.

He got his pills early, maybe he just needs a good night's sleep.

Shut up.

I can hope can't I??

No news is good news . . .

2011-04-20T10:02:00.000-07:00

Nothing much to share here. Dustin has had a med change. Last week we had some issues with his state sponsored insurance all of the sudden not covering his very important anti-psychotic because he was on 2 anti-psychotics. The p-doc decided to take him off the Abilify to see if it is really necessary. I personally don't think it is so I was okay with that plan. Oddly enough he has been pretty darn good for the last 4 days. He is much more calm and less angry. I don't yet know if it is a fluke or it really is a good med change. We shall see . . .

The bedroom switch-up has gone well. Dustin is actually sleeping quite well and for longer periods of time. I think it was a good move. I know it has been better for everyone else involved, so I hope it holds out.

The biggest thing that has made an impact in or life lately is the security system. Ours is very similar to the one sold here. We ordered ours from Home Depot on-line as well. The best thing about it is that it rings at the base unit when the door is opened, not at the alarm sensor so we can take the unit downstairs and still hear when it goes off. The other plus is that it continues to go off once activated even if he re-shuts the door. He cannot fool us and he knows it. With the First Alert door sensors, the alarm goes off when the door is opened, but stops when the door is shut. He learned that he could open the door fast and the alarm would ring for a short period of time and if we did not wake up, he was home free! Also, this new system is activated and deactivated at the unit, not the sensor, so he is unable to turn it off. And trust me, it will wake the dead! I am a very hard sleeper and can sleep through anything and this thing wakes me up every time! I have a hard time entering the code to silence it because I am half asleep though!

Other than keeping Dustin right near us. things are pretty back to normal since the Great Underwear Incident of April 2011 . School has been having more difficulties and I received an email today telling me he was currently in ISS for spitting on another child. I have always said that our kids are only able to hold it together one place a day. Most times I would rather he hold it together at school and be a handful at home, but I need a break, so I am okay with school dealing with some crappy stuff lately! :) Their "Crappy stuff" usually pales in comparison to ours anyway, so I don't feel so guilty. ( I think this may be because I "outed" him to the school about the running. He was mortified to learn that I told his teachers about the incident and asked them to keep an eye out for any running behavior because he threatened he would run at school.)

The littles are doing okay. Harrison is doing great in school and it gearing up for the second half of standardized testing this next week. McCartney is struggling with coming back from a wonderfully hot Florida to a not so hot Indiana. She is mourning losing her sandals and sundress and has yet to lovingly embrace the winter coat. Hopefully it will start warming up around these parts next week, but I think we will still be battling the tank tops each morning for awhile.

Medication & Healing . . .

2011-04-18T10:00:00.001-07:00

While I would agree that far too many Americans are on medications for mental health issues I think that, as one of those "using" I am thankful for them.

There are a couple different issues here. Let's talk about kids like Dustin. Dustin's issues go beyond "traumatized kid". They are stemming from organic brain damage caused in-utero by alcohol consumed by his mother. We are also dealing with mental illness that has been passed through his birth family. Schizophrenia is nothing to scoff at. Both his Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and his Schizophrenia make him a danger to himself or those around him when un-medicated. It is fairly safe to say that people would not argue with giving psychotropic meds to a child like this. That's not to say that we do not have to be careful and walk a fine line between safe amounts of medication and drooling, overmedicated zombie. Dustin in particular is VERY VERY sensitive to med changes and dosages. He suffers from a particularly dangerous reaction to higher doses of theses meds calle EPS. It can be life threatening and is NOT fun to witness and sometimes hard for professionals to diagnose.

Whenever Dustin is placed on a new medication I ask these questions:

1. What is it used for?
2. What positive results should I be looking for?
3. What negative results should I be looking for?
4. How long before I should see a change? When should I call you if I don't see a change?
5. How long does it take for the medication to get out of his system?

The last 2 I find particularly important since I need to know if a medication should begin working right away, or if it will take 3 weeks before I see the wanted results. That way, I can see if this medication will be effective or a dud. For instance, medications like Adderall are "in and out" in one day, where Zoloft may take 3-4 weeks before you see if it is effective. I also like the last question, so that I know if the medication has a half-life in his body. That one is particularly important for me since he typically has EPS reactions to medications. I need to know how long after he stops taking it will it still be affecting him.

The other issue is kids like my youngest son Harrison. Harrison is 8 years old and brilliant. This child was talking in full sentences at one year old, and reading words at three. He was reading for comprehension and enjoyment by four. When he was a kindergartner, he really started struggling with keeping his body still at school. He didn't look at you when you were talking, yet he could tell you everything you said. He was full of energy and was ALWAYS moving. I chalked most of it up to immaturity, because he was young for his grade and he had always been a little extra emotional. He started getting frustrated about not being successful in the social and behavioral aspect of school. He began getting very emotional about it. We started him on meds for ADHD. It made him a wonderful student in ALL ways. It has given him his self esteem back. It has been a blessing. Could he have lived without this medication? Sure. But he would not be the happy kid that he is now. He would not have the friends or the self confidence he does now. He would be "that" kid in the classroom. We have him on a fairly low dose and I do not think it is effecting him negatively. I think of it as giving him tools to be productive and the ability to restrain himself. Perhaps he can learn this on his own later after he masters how to calm his own body down, perhaps not.

Then we have the issue of my medication. My OCD went undiagnosed until I was 28 and married. I am so very thankful for the meds that helped me get that part of my personality under control and allow me to live my life to the fullest. I could survive with and OCD diagnosis and not have medication, but I would not be "free" to have the life I have now. I would be a slave to the compulsions and the obsessions.

I know that not all meds prescribed by doctor's are necessary, but wow, who am I to judge whether or not a drug could be helpful to someone. Would anyone ever begrudge a diabetic their insulin? Or a heart patient their blood thinner? It would be a no brainer. That medication is needed for them to live! Why are psychotropic drugs looked at as options by so many people instead of necessities?

And don't even get me started on people who say things like, "If your depressed, don't count on medication to help you, you just need to rest in God." Please! I have no issue with the power of prayer, but when we are dealing with a chemical imbalance, medication can help. Most of those people would never say to a cancer patient, "If you have cancer, don't do chemo, you just need to pray more."

Life is hard. Our world moves faster and faster each year. We strive to be better people, to make more money, to provide for our children. We struggle to keep up the pace and to not get weary. Marriage is difficult. So many of us are raising kids with issues. Our lives are spinning out of control in our fast paced world. In my opinion, it is okay to acknowledge our faults and our issues and treat them just as we would an illness. I don't see the harm in that.

Perhaps it is because I have lived it. I can see the danger or not medicating children with difficult issues. I have lived as that child trapped inside my own struggles with OCD and am now living virtually free of those chains as an adult. I have seen both sides. I can see the benefit and, gosh darn it, if I can help my child live a better life I will!

Let me fill you in quickly on my beliefs. I believe that Jesus is the son of God. I believe that he was crucified and rose again to save me. I believe that it is my responsibility as a Christian to follow his teachings. I believe that I am not infallible. I sin daily. I ask for forgiveness when mistakes are made and try the next day to do better. I believe God is a God of healing. I believe I will go to heaven when I die. That's it in a nutshell.

In addition to that I believe God is a God of peace. I believe he tells us to love others. I believe we are supposed to show people love and understanding and have tolerance. I believe that people have free will and while I may not agree with their decisions, I cannot judge them for making them. I believe that they will not consider my view on things if I choose intolerance. It is my job to be the hands and feet of Jesus on Earth with kindness, charity, benevolence and love being of supreme importance. I also believe that God knows what is best for me. I believe that things are done in His timing and because He knows the big picture, it's always best. I believe it's not my job to question that.

All that being said, I would love for Dustin to be healed. I have no idea if that is in the cards or not, but I don't pray for that. He was born with organic brain damage. I don't look at him like he is ill. I see him for who he is and who God allowed him to be. I accept him and his disability. Do I pray that he will get better, yes! But I never have prayed that the FAS goes away in the same way I have never prayed that Harrison's ADD goes away. Could God do that? I believe he could. Does that mean I don't have faith that he will do it for Dustin? I don't think so. God doesn't need me to heal him if he wishes.

I have faith that our life will get easier. I have faith that things will work out. I have faith that while I continue to trust daily in God that life will go easier than if I didn't. I rely on therapy, medication, kind thoughtful doctors, and lots and lots of patience. I pray for guidance and direction. I pray for peaceful spirits and a hedge of protection around my family.

Does that make me less of a Christian. I don't think so. I think God gives us things like therapy and medication to facilitate what he has for us. I think refusing psychiatric medication, chucking away therapy and simply relying on God to fix things is just as dangerous as those religious zealots who refuse medical treatment for illnesses.

Switch-a-roo . . .

2011-04-18T07:08:00.001-07:00

I spent Saturday evening switching bedrooms. I am not sure yet if it was good idea. We tried to make a bedroom change a while back and it backfired, but so far this one is going well. Dustin moved to Harrison's room. Due to major anxiety, Dustin's psychologist suggested years ago that we create a corner for him in our bedroom. It was a god-send at the time. It was the only time in the many years that we had Dustin that he actually began sleeping thorugh out the night. Prior to that he would roam the house and get into numerous things. Once, I found him playing with matched in the living room. Scary.

We mixed things up a bit at home and now he is in his own room. With the new alarm system we have, we are immediately aware if he leaves his room. He is absolutely unable to fool his alarm system unlike others we have had in the past. He knows it. He hates it. But it works. He stays put because he knows he cannot get out without us knowing.

I am not sure if this is a good thing or I will be coming back here next week saying we failed and I spent another 8 hours moving rooms back like they were. The only way I would know is if I tried. Pray it works, it is a much better configuration.

This weekend went okay. He is never more than 2 feet away from an adult at all times. It is tiring, but oddly enough he was well behaved. He really didn't have too much of an attitude and he was mostly pleasant. It is as though he knows he has boundaries and he is comfortable in giving someone else the ability to control his actions. Subconsciously I think it makes him rest.

I took all three kids to church yesterday myself so Robert could rest. Lord have mercy! Our service is one hour. I am fairly certain Dustin asked me to go to the bathroom 1317 times! I just kept giving him the "mom eye" and lo and behold after church was over the urge passed. We met the entire family at a local Ice Cream Shop last night and one of the younger cousins who is a friend of mine on facebook said, "Dustin, glad to see you put some clothes on for us!" referencing the Great Underwear Incident of April 2011. Dustin was mortified. I think it was good for him to understand that people know what happens when you run out, acting the fool, in your drawers. He looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders and said, "This one is on you bud. Perhaps you shouldn't run out where people can see you." He was awfully quiet while we were there.

Will it change the behavior next time? Probably not, but it was nice to see some realization on his face.

Alexander's got nothin' on me . . .

2011-04-14T16:41:00.001-07:00

Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Well, afternoon.

I got a call from Robert just before I was leaving work. He had taken Dustin and McCartney to the doctor. I had Harrison with me at daycare. He told me he and McCartney had been following Dustin on foot for nearly an hour. Dustin had ran out of the house.

In. His. Underwear.

Yes. I said that.

He was wearing a shell necklace from Florida, navy underwear and white crew socks.

He is 16 and nearly 5'8" tall. He is handsome and looks completely "normal".

Obviously he is not.

I told Robert to call the police, he had not yet called. Dustin was being very difficult and he was afraid they would take him to juvenile detention or to the local psych hospital or the children's home that deals with difficult behavioral needs. Any of these places would not meet any of Dustin's needs (since he is moderately mentally handicapped) and is wholly inappropriate for him. He has major abandonment issues and has been sexually molested in the past. Not a good combo for "juvy".

I drove home worrying about whether he was okay or not. I got a call from Robert telling me he called 911 and that the police were already chasing him having received phone calls from other people. (Robert: my son is running away . . . 911: Is he in navy underwear and white socks, sir? . . . Robert: Yep, that'd be him.) Dustin was running from the officer who had abandoned his car and was throwing rocks and sticks at the officer. The officer was having a difficult time chasing him. The officer kept loosing sight of him as he ran through alleys and houses. To make things worse, this officer is new to our circumstances. We have a few core guys who have been here many times and are well aware of Dustin's complicated issues. This gentleman was not and he was less than thrilled. We have a trail system in our city that goes along the rivers and runs right through our neighborhood. Dustin was running along the trail that is on a hill about 25 feet above the street. The officer was being trailed by kids on bikes that were asking "What's wrong with that kid? Is he psycho?". Robert and McCartney were behind them by about a block. Finally the officer got to him, grabbed his arm and tackled him. It took him almost 30 minutes to get him.

Robert called me as I was only about 3 blocks away. When I got there, Dustin was sitting on the ground with his hands in his head. He was covered in dirt and was yelling, "I wanna go to jail!" along with the ever popular "I don't wanna live with you. You all hate me!"

Warms a mother's heart.

I trudged up the hill and spoke with the officer with Robert. He took a report and told us that if he ever hit anyone or was aggressive they could take him and book him and have him spend a night in juvy. Another officer came up from a car and was one of the "regulars". He gave Dustin a talking to and reminded him that officers who do not know him could very well pull a gun on him if he acts like that again. It was a good talk.

Will it matter?

Probably not.

I took him home and Robert and the littles walked the 3 blocks home. He is fine acting like nothing ever happened. He is on a 2 foot perimeter. He is not to leave an adult and go farther than 2 feet from us. He is unable to go ANYWHERE including the bathroom alone. Whenever we go near a door, we position ourselves between him and the door. I do not know how long this will last, but it is a necessity right now.

Sometimes I hate my life.

My life is never boring.

Realization . . .

2011-04-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

Dustin has started this thing. When I ask him to do something he just looks at me with his mouth hanging open. It makes me crazy. (I have been saying that a LOT lately) This happens even if it is something he wants to do, like "Dustin come eat dinner."

I have decided it is his only way of controlling the situation. He is playing me.

I ask. He stares. I ask again. He stares. I threaten. He does it. I am no longer doing that, that is simply letting him have more attention and he is "winning". Now, I am simply looking back at him and waiting. I told myself I would give him 30 seconds. Usually he will comply within a few seconds since he has figured out that I will not respond again.

Last night I asked him to turn of a light. He just stared at me slack-jawed. I waited and silently counted to 30. After 30 he was still staring me down and I got up, walked over to him and took his hand. I walked him to the light switch and used his hand to turn off the light. I then walked him back to the seat he was on and sat him down. No words, no pulling, no arguing. He was bewildered.

I win.

I did refrain from siticking my tongue out!

ARGH! . . .

2011-04-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

I hate insurance companies. You know the med my child has been on for YEARS that allow the "people" in his head to remain hidden? They will nto authorize it today. You know, the med we only get enough for the exact amount of days until bloodwork is done? That one? They will pay for the bloodwork that is necessary every two weeks, but not the med. Really?? Seriously??

We rarely have trouble with our state sponsored medical care, so this one throws me for a loop.

I think I will drop him off at their office and they can live with the possibly dangerous and delusional child who's "friends" tell him to do stuff to other people. I betcha they would authorize it then!

Gravy . . .

2011-04-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

Last night was awful. Dustin was difficult, non compliant and a pain in the arse. If you read the prior post you recognize that he was willfully disobedient. He continued to say things like "I am not a child! I am an adult!" He was still obsessed over the flour baby. Constantly worried whether she was being cared for at her partner's house. Worried something would happen to her. It was tiring and crazy-making.

I lost it at bedtime with the hubby. I felt like I had been pelted with bee-bees all night and poked with toothpicks and I was IRRITATED. Poor hubby took the brunt of it. Thankfully he gets it and it will be my turn soon enough. . .

This morning I had a glint of what was actually going on. When I asked him to get back in bed so the kids could finish getting ready and he could be out of their way, he shouted, "I am an adult! I can get up when I want!" I said, "No you are not." He replied, "Ms M says I am a father now! I am an adult!"

It clicked.

His paraprofessional has been "selling" this baby thing. She has been pretending it is real. She is telling him he is a father and he has to care for the baby. Holy Lord! This is a concrete thinker. This child now believes he is an adult and is obsessed over this sack of flour. It is not working. He swears this is real. I cannot fathom the thought process and how this seems okay.

I am beyond frustrated. I understand most kids would be fine with this, but he is not. I understand the process and I think it is a positive thing, but not for kids like Dustin. We are making these special needs kids, kids with low IQs, obsessed with caring for babies. These are flour sacks, they are easy to care for. All you have to do is keep them dry and not drop them . . . their FLOUR for goodness sake! They don't cry, they don't need food, they don't need changed. Are we sending the wrong message? Kids with the mentally capacity of 4 and the hormones of a 16 year old. Well able to make a baby, but babies cannot be tossed on the bed and pretend fed once a night.

And babies CANNOT make gravy!

I still have some humor left in me!

Seriously . . .

2011-04-12T18:02:00.000-07:00

The last hour in my house has been horrid. The littles are sleeping. I am in my PJs. I made my rocking Chicken and Dumplings tonight. The dishes are done from dinner. We are watching DVR programs that were recorded while we were on our wonderful vacation.

So why has it been horrid?

Dustin is sitting in the chair across from my spot on the couch. He is driving me nuts!

D: "Mom, can I have a snack?"
M: "You just ate. No more tonight."
D: slapping his hands on the chair arms in a crazy rhythm.
M: "Please stop. You know that bothers me."
D: looks directly in my eyes and does it twice more.
M: staring at him
D: "Sorry Mom" followed immediately by hitting his heels on the floor in the same rhythm.
M: staring
D: "Sorry, I'll stop."
M: looking away at the TV
D:patting his chest for the dog to come to him (he is not allowed to have the animals)
M: "I hear you"
D: "What?? I didn't do anything" begins staring at me and still patting for the dog
M: "Seriously?"
D: "I'm hungry and you won't let me eat!"
M: ignoring
D: "You hate me!" begins playing rhythm on the chair louder and harder
M: "Nope, don't like your behavior."
D: 30 seconds pass. "Mom I love you. You're the best mom ever"
M: "I love you too. Please stop being difficult"
D: Staring in my face and banging his head on the back of the chair.
M: ignoring
D: Making fart noises while smacking his elbows.
M: ignoring
D: "Why won't you let me eat??"

This was rapid fire. This is the reason I nearly lose my cool every now and then. I can hardly take it! ARGHHHHHHHH!!

Okay, I feel better now! :)

Oil . . .

2011-04-12T07:37:00.000-07:00

Lord have mercy! I wrote a bit ago about Dustin doing a project in school about taking care of babies. That in itself is dangerous territory for a concrete thinking, low IQ, FAS child who was abused. Trudging up feelings of abuse, abandonment, and all that by taking care of a "fake" infant is not my idea of a fun day!

His class is a classroom of Moderately Mentally Handicapped kids. They vary in abilities. Some of them are pretty darn close to acting like typical 16 year olds, they just have lower IQs. Dustin is of course on the other spectrum and acts like a 4 year old most of the time. They wanted to do a unit on caring for babies. I knew it was a bad plan for Dustin the minute I heard it. I thought it would be quick and we could brush it off. I had no idea they would be making flour sack babies and partner up to take care of their young'ins.

Last time I mentioned this I told you his baby was named "Oil". Swear. to. goodness. When I asked him about it he said it was named after the baby in Popeye. It took me a while to realize he meant Olive Oil and then I reminded him the baby was named "SweePea". He said, "oh, yeah." Robert and I have been quietly referring to the baby as "Gravy" (get it, oil and flour make gravy?!) It cracks me up, and sometimes laughter is by far the best medicine.

Anyway, ~~Gravy~~ Oil came home yesterday for Dustin's turn at caring for her. It was not pretty.

Let me back up. Dustin has issues with believing things are real that are not. He also has issues caring for things that he feels needs protected. A few examples: we once got him one of the Fur-real pets. The ones that you feed and they make noise and you have to put them to sleep. I thought it might help him with the nurturing issues. I was so very wrong! He became absolutely OBSESSED. The thing was ALIVE in his mind. He had to protect it constantly. He was always fretting about whether it was hungry, sleepy or needed him. He was a momma bear. That lasted all of 3 days until I could take no more. I put it in the attic. He kept trying to get in the attic, it was ugly! When he was really off-kilter and stressed he would always pretend he was a momma dinosaur who was protecting her eggs. He would "spit venom" at people who came near him. He would actually spit on people and lash out at them with his "talons" scratching anyone who walked by him. This one went on for well over a year.

So Oil? Not such a good idea. My other fear is that he is schizophrenic and I worry that when he begins talking to things that are not alive and pretending they are I think he can kind of slip into a psychotic state. I can see it. You can see it in his eyes. He kind of leaves reality. I really is frightening. Not frightening in the sense that he would hurt us, but frightening in the sense that he is not really "here" with us.

So Oil came home. Robert was wise and told him she needed to stay in our bedroom. He would run upstairs and feed her and burp her. I tried to keep him occupied so he would forget about her. As soon the kids fell asleep he began obsessing over bringing her down and being near her. I told him no firmly and he started yelling at me that she would die without being fed. I told him in no uncertain terms that a flour sack would be fine without fake formula. HE began to argue that I he was going to tell his teacher on me. He started to freak out that his baby needed a car seat for the bus and demanded I go buy one right then. Lord have mercy! Bedtime could not come soon enough.

This morning McCartney came into my room and Dustin began screaming. At first he was obsessed with always being near the baby. Then he began hollering at the littles about being near her. They couldn't even look in her direction without being screamed at. He would say things like "I am keeping her safe" and "You are not allowed to hurt her, she's mine". It was ugly. He kept talking to the baby and telling her "I will keep you safe. You are okay with me." It was a bit creepy.

The bus could not come soon enough and Dustin and Oil were out the door. (without a carseat! Gasp!) I sent an email off to his teacher. I understand if he has to do this project, but the baby will be put away when it is home. I wanted to let him know that if Dustin says I wouldn't let him do anything that there was a very good reason.

I am too young to be a grandma!

Lemon Cream Pasta with Capers . . .

2011-04-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

Pasta With Lemon Cream and Capers

4 servings

PASTA

1 tablespoon table salt

2 1/2 cups penne pasta, uncooked

1 teaspoon canola oil

LEMON CREAM SAUCE

2 tablespoons butter

1 tablespoon all-purpose flour

1 cup heavy cream

3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

1 tablespoon chicken base (see note)

1 1/2 teaspoons grated lemon zest

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper

2 tablespoons capers

For the pasta: In a pot, bring 6 cups water and 1 tablespoon salt to a full boil. Add pasta and cook for about 10 minutes, until al dente. Immediately drain pasta and cool in cold water. Drain water completely. Coat pasta with canola oil to prevent sticking.

For the Lemon Cream Sauce: In a stock pot, make a roux by melting the butter and stirring in the flour. Cook for 5 minutes on medium heat, stirring often to prevent burning.

To the stock pot, add the heavy cream, lemon juice, chicken base, lemon zest, kosher salt and black pepper. Whisk or blend to dissolve the roux. Heat to 200 degrees and simmer 15 minutes, or until thickened. Stir often to prevent burning.

Combine cooked penne with Lemon Cream Sauce and capers. Eat way too much!!!

(Adapted from Souplantation)

cross posted at Supper Slackers Therapy, my highly neglected recipe blog.

Three in two . . .

2011-04-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with a mom I have never met face to face. She has a little one that has been diagnosed with FAS. This is ALL NEW territory for her. She needed someone to talk to who gets it. Someone who lives it. It was a joy talking to her.

This is the third mom that I have spoken to in two weeks time that needed a connection. This is a hard life!

She needed to here that we are not alone.

It is amazing how similar her child is to mine. He is a little guy. He is showing the same behaviors that Dustin did when he came to our home. After we talked for a bit, she said, "We have a long road ahead of us don't we." I said, "Yes. Yes you do." That is a sad thing. But us Trauma Momma's have one another as long as we use each other as a resource we will get through. I tried to share some strategies and some ideas with her. I explained that what works today may not work tomorrow.

We also talked a bit about how our perceptions of others has changed. It is amazing that once you live with a child that has a hidden disability how you change that judgmental attitude that you may have had for other parents in the past.

What advice would you have for a mom that recently got the FAS diagnosis?